My H took a new job last Dec. He is a boat captain and would be gone for 3 months.The boat was in the shipyard for 2 1/2 months in Singapore. He was put up in a hotel for the duration of the work. His emails home were strange not like him and after a few weeks started commenting on how beautiful the women that were hanging around the guys were and if he were to stay there much longer he was not sure he could be good.Then he started talking about one in particular via eamil and on the phone. He said she was stunning and again stated that he was not sure he could stay faithful if he did not leave soon (always jokingly).When I picked him up at the airport, before he could walk down the gate to me I got that feeling of danger. You know "that feeling". Plus he had lost 20 lbs.Later at home he showed me pictures of the area and a bachelor party and went on and on about this girl(prostitute) who was there(8 pictures of her) I dont think he even realized he told me 5 times how stunning she was and blah,blah blah. I was having "that feeeling again" so I asked if he had slept with her, of course he denied it. A few days later after he recovered from trip home we made love and boy was I suprised, I thought I was having an affair because I had never made love to this man.(married 14yrs)Everything was different and he was quite comfortable in this new style.I asked where he found his new bag of tricks, he told me I just had suddenly became more responsive,yeah right.He was home for 3 months and we had a good time considering. After he went back to work for 3 months again, I had myself tested for STD's and found I have herpes now, but the doc said I could have had it for years in spite of 2 negative tests in the last 3 yrs. Then I find that he had taken $1400 in cash advances on his pay while in Singapore without telling me anything about it but swears he had no money while there. I have tried to discuss my feeling about 5 tmies ,he just tells me it is all in my head and I am imagineing the whole thing. That and he acted strange the whole time home. He had gained back 5 lbs while home and starved the last week to take it off before he left, sounds like mid life crisis to me. I do not wish to end the marriage, but need honesty and a willing partner to work on this. Everything in my gut tells me he has cheated, what do you guys think ,can i trust my gut? And if so how do I get him to tell the truth and work on a new beginning?

I'm no expert, but I would think that your gut feeling is at least telling you something is wrong. H may have not actually had an affair yet, but he sounds like he's on that path. I'm here and willing to listen. I'm new around here also so I don't know how much help I can offer. Wishing you luck.<P>Anna

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumplin:<BR><B>I'm no expert, but I would think that your gut feeling is at least telling you something is wrong. H may have not actually had an affair yet, but he sounds like he's on that path. I'm here and willing to listen. I'm new around here also so I don't know how much help I can offer. Wishing you luck.<P>Anna</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Thanks Anna,there are just so many things from the sex to herpes that I cannot let go of,and having him gone for another 3 months with out some closeure is driving me crazy. That and my feelings were so strong and immediate when I picked him up, I just cannot ignore that. And now he is back at sea and I don't know whether to protect myself sexually when he gets back from another sexually transmitted disease or believe him and take another chance. Only that could one day cost me my life. I am scared and don't know what to do. Do not want to accuse him of something if he has done nothing, but I don't know where the herpes came from and if he is seeing prostitutes in the ports he travels i.e. Singapore ,korea, africa my risks go way up. I am not ready to die for love.Dee<P>

Hi SW. Did you discuss the herpes with your H? If so what was his response? I know what you mean by that gut feeling. It's s hard when your heart and your head are telling you one thing and your gut says something else. IMO it's hard to say whether he's having an affair or not but the STD and his unusual behavior and the weight loss would be an indication that something isn't right. Kep posting! Hang in there.<BR>cybil

Trust your instincts. I ignored mine for 10 years. I would confront him and ask him if he was sleeping with someone else. He would always talk his way out of it. Deep down, I knew something was going on and I just wouldn't listen to myself. After I came up with the proof and he could no longer deny anything, I started putting the pieces together from the previous 10 years. I was amazed at how many times the evidence was right in front of my nose, and I wouldn't believe what I was seeing.<P>Instead of asking, and giving him a chance to deny, maybe you could approach him in a more factual way. "I know you have been with someone else because I now have an STD which I didn't have before. What are we going to do from this point on?"<P>Good luck. Listen to your gut; sometimes the gut knows more than the brain.

Suspicious Wife,<P>I know exactly what you're talking about when you say that "feeling".<P>When my H started his affair, I had no idea. I walked into his bathroom and it just hit me, I felt an overwhelming feeling something was very wrong, a BAD feeling. Before that day there was no reason I should feel suspicious.<P>To this day I still don't know why I felt that feeling on that particular day and when I walked into his bathroom. <P>But my instincts were right on. He was cheating.<P>I'd say you need to tell your H of the herpes, if you haven't already. Tell him your fears of contracting more STDs or something worse that could be life threatening.<P>This is no time to mince words if he is engaging in sexual relations with prostitutes. There is a great risk involved, and it's his responsibility to come clean.<P>Sorry if I sound harsh or rigid. I don't mean to. I'm just concerned for you and your health. <P>Lv,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 11, 2001).]

I agree with fighting. You don't need anymore proof, you got all you need. I would proceed with the certainty an affair has occured, and what are we going to do about it.

Hi Cybil, no I have not talked to him about the herpes as I was tested after he left and our only commuincation is email that goes through the boat computer no privacy. When he left this time he thought that he had pulled it off and I knew nothing other than my suspicions. Since he would not talk to me,just kept telling me it was all in my head, without any proof other than your gut feeling how do you accuse. It was after he left back to work I found out about the herpes and the money.He even commented in an email that he was down another 5 pounds? now I find that they are going to be putting the ship in another yard in africa for 3 weeks, I wonder since he thought he got away with it before will he now be braver in Africa? I have also found out that the guys on many ships chip in and buy a prostitute for a trip and then fly her back to her port. Another guy who works in the field says it is common practice, needless to say I was just thrilled to hear it is common practice,Dee<BR>

suspicious wife:<P>I believe your gut feeling is trying to tell you something. If it smells like a skunk...and it looks like a skunk....it's a skunk. Every time I get one of those gut feelings and don't listen to my instincts....it ends up stinking. So I think you really need to listen to your little voice inside. <P>There is that little voice in the human soul that screams something is wrong....although some of us try to to stuff a fist in its mouth. If we try to ignore it, it sometimes won't let go without a struggle inside...I think it's saying "Hey, I'm trying to tell you something.....LISTEN".<P>Sometimes...it's easier to try to stuff that gut feeling away, to shut it up, with trying to rationalize it....or deny it. That way we don't have to deal with it, but it doesn't make it go away... it just delays confronting the issue and inevitably it will grow. Not that I'm good at this myself...but it's easier to express to someone else.<P>I don't know what else to tell you....but to read everything you can on the MB site...and everywhere so you can educate yourself. It helps in dealing with these issues the more knowledge you can obtained. What to do...and not to do...the way you should handle things. I didn't find this information until 9 months after my H moved out. I was so clueless, had no idea of what was going on. There were no evident signs...my little voice inside didn't tell me either. My H was very irritable, but I contributed this to financial issues, etc...because this is what he displayed as to what was bothering him. Apparently he was irritable because of the conflict going on within himself. The irritability is a classic sign. Also, lying and denial of an A is normal (not that we view this as normal behavior)....they certainly don't want to admit it. <P>But, you do need to face this as a REAL possibility...and probably a fact...the signs are there. Therefore..you also need to protect yourself. <P>Take Care. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited August 11, 2001).]

I would advise that you trust your instincts. I am now married to a man with which I IGNORED my instincts during dating and engagement and it turns out that EVERY ONE of my instincts were right! The only problem now is that I am MARRIED to this guy! Had I pursued what my instincts were telling me, I could have broken the engagement and forgone an enormous load of pain and suffering that I could barely afford. <P>I don't know how you can get him to a point where he is truthful, but I would certainly confront him with the evidence you have and insist you know something is going on. And don't let him try to BS you into thinking that nothing is going on, you know better.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by fighting_spirit:<BR><B>Trust your instincts. I ignored mine for 10 years. I would confront him and ask him if he was sleeping with someone else. He would always talk his way out of it. Deep down, I knew something was going on and I just wouldn't listen to myself</B>[QUOTE]<P>FS.....are you inside my head????? This is me, me, me to a tee I, too, suspected my H of cheating years before he admitted the same. He responded in kind that nothing was going on and that he and the OW were "friends." So, instead of dealing with the pain of being betrayed wayyyyy back then, I'm dealing with it now. Better late than never, eh?<P>SW, trust your instincts! After talking with many women over the past few years about troubled lives and marriage, I find that the female instincts are rarely wrong. Instincts are for survival and animals heed to their's very well. Everyone should be more in-tune to their personal instincts. It would sure help in eliminating hardship and pain.<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Hurtwife, thanks there in lies the problem. How to start using protection before you can discuss things with him.As he will want to know why, I would not like things to blow up right there. Then he feels accused and war starts not open discussion which is what is needed. When he gets home the routine is for him so lounge and sleep for a few days to get back to normal then usually we can play sexually. I need some time to do a little brain picking to confirm the things I have found are I feel they may be and that the money was actually money he used or was he reimbursed by company etc. The company refuses to let me know anything, so I must talk to him.What a mess! SW<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by suspicious wife:<BR><B>My H took a new job last Dec. He is a boat captain and would be gone for 3 months.The boat was in the shipyard for 2 1/2 months in Singapore. He was put up in a hotel for the duration of the work. His emails home were strange not like him and after a few weeks started commenting on how beautiful the women that were hanging around the guys were and if he were to stay there much longer he was not sure he could be good.Then he started talking about one in particular via eamil and on the phone. He said she was stunning and again stated that he was not sure he could stay faithful if he did not leave soon (always jokingly).When I picked him up at the airport, before he could walk down the gate to me I got that feeling of danger. You know "that feeling". Plus he had lost 20 lbs.Later at home he showed me pictures of the area and a bachelor party and went on and on about this girl(prostitute) who was there(8 pictures of her) I dont think he even realized he told me 5 times how stunning she was and blah,blah blah. I was having "that feeeling again" so I asked if he had slept with her, of course he denied it. A few days later after he recovered from trip home we made love and boy was I suprised, I thought I was having an affair because I had never made love to this man.(married 14yrs)Everything was different and he was quite comfortable in this new style.I asked where he found his new bag of tricks, he told me I just had suddenly became more responsive,yeah right.He was home for 3 months and we had a good time considering. After he went back to work for 3 months again, I had myself tested for STD's and found I have herpes now, but the doc said I could have had it for years in spite of 2 negative tests in the last 3 yrs. Then I find that he had taken $1400 in cash advances on his pay while in Singapore without telling me anything about it but swears he had no money while there. I have tried to discuss my feeling about 5 tmies ,he just tells me it is all in my head and I am imagineing the whole thing. That and he acted strange the whole time home. He had gained back 5 lbs while home and starved the last week to take it off before he left, sounds like mid life crisis to me. I do not wish to end the marriage, but need honesty and a willing partner to work on this. Everything in my gut tells me he has cheated, what do you guys think ,can i trust my gut? And if so how do I get him to tell the truth and work on a new beginning?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm new to the site. I am sorry you are going through all this. My H's multiple affairs have shown me so many signs of an affair. I have 10 years of it. His whole attitude changed, his style of dressing, his confidence, his frequent nights away from home, his spending habits, his weight, etc...My stomach gets queezy just thinking about it. My husband is in the military. Whenever I got that feeling, he would just tell me I am crazy or paranoid. Come to find out he had been cheating on me for years. <P>Trust your feelings. My husband never told me about them as they were going on. I found out through letters from the women or e-mails. I became a detective, you can say. I knew that he would make a mistake somewhere and he did. I found the proof and then he came clean with them all. He only told me about them all when he thought the marriage was over with and he had fallen in love with the latest one at the time. The story goes on, but just trust yourself. Only you can decide for yourself you next step. Do you want it to end(the dishonesty)? If H doesn't, he will never come clean. As long as he is getting the best of both worlds he will never tell you the truth. Find the proof somehow. Does he use the computer at home? There are ways you can view his activity on the computer if he does. <P>Please hang in there. I know it is hard. Just know you are not the crazy one and you are not alone.