Hi all,<P>I'm pretty new to Plan A/Plan B - though I have read through the site and been lurking/occasionally posting in the forum since last weekend. <P>I'm still not too sure about how to implement Plan A. And I have a big issue (right now of course!)<P>to make a long story short:<BR>My H and I are living separately - sharing custody of our 11 year old son. My son is supposed to stay with my H until tomorrow evening. H left a message earlier asking if he can bring our son over at 1. He is a musician - will be playing at a party tomorrow evening and he is supposed to leave at 1:30.<BR>These are my issues:<P>1. I feel sick taking my son earlier so that my H can spend extra time with the OW (I'm not sure if she is accompanying him or not.)<P>2. Since I heard about this gig earlier this week - I was <BR> hoping my H would ask me if I wanted to come. I missed<BR> the only live show this relatively new band has put on <BR> earlier in April when I was out of town. My H reassured <BR> they would play again and I could see them then. This is <BR> the next show - but now we are separated and it doesnt<BR> look too good. This hurts.<P>I will speak with my H soon. I am trying to stick to plan A.<BR>what is appropriate?<P>Do I tell him about either of these issues? (In a nice way of course) or do I keep them to myself so he doesnt feel any more guilt/remorse and just drink a lot tomorrow night to get me through the evening? (I will probably stick to this website also)<P>Please - any advise from some one experience would help so much.... thank you<p>[This message has been edited by runningonfaith (edited August 11, 2001).]

okay... now I am feeling pretty pathetic here. <P>I had to call H back, couldnt not wait for an reply. I think I complied to Plan A but would truly appreciate any input - its amazing how much thinking of posting my response here helped me to control my reaction.<P>I was absolutely honest with H. I've told him about this website - he has visited - I explained what I believed plan A to be and told him that I was trying to adhere to the plan. I then told him about my posting & that I wasnt sure what I should do. I explained there had not been enough time for a reply and that I was going to wing it. I thought I should tell him my issues. So I did. He was absolutely silent, then said "maybe we should stick to our schedule from now on and not try to make any adjustments".<P>I said I thought we should remain flexible, but that I thought it was fair for me to know what I was doing when I agreed to help him out.<P>Finally, after much encouragement, he told me the details of tomorrow.<P>He is driving two band mates to a party & joining them. He asked the OW if she would like to 'tag' along - she said yes. They are basically going away to a party for the weekend and he wanted me to take our son early so he could have extra time with the OW. (I am taking a moment here to appreciate the fact that he is not exposing our son to her face to face yet - thank you H)<P>I told him I appreciated his honesty. But that I didnt feel right about this. That I loved my son and enjoyed all the time I spent with him and felt no need to stick to a schedule. That I loved him and would adjust our schedule at any time to help him. But. That I could not at this time adjust our schedule to facilitate him spending extra time with OW. <P>I again told him I appreciated his honesty and hoped that he would remain honest with me in the future even though it may make his plans with OW more difficult. <P>As we spoke I think I may have come to a clearer understanding of Plan A. I discussed this with my H as we wrapped up our conversation. I thought that although plan A focused on reducing conflict that it should still allow respect for ourselves and each other. I thought that his honesty showed respect for me. That my not being able to accomodate his desire to spend extra time with OW was me showing respect to me. <P>I may have gone off track a bit then when I suggested that him asking me to accomodate his desire to spend extra time with OW was not really showing respect towards me. ????<P>I'm not sure about any of this.<P>But I am sure feeling very very needy right now. And although I think our honest conversations and my maintaining an even keel over my emotions was very good - I am so so sad that I was not invited to this party and that she was.<P>Please respond!! I am so in need of hugs. thank you xxx<BR><p>[This message has been edited by runningonfaith (edited August 11, 2001).]

after 1 1/2 bottles of wine and a 4 am freaked out call to H I am now at his house (our old house) at his computer cause I am so afraid of being alone and losing it all.<P>This, I know is a love buster but am at a bit of a loss. Tonight's earlier conversation got us through some difficult conversation - but despite honesty and attempt at self esteem - I'm still left with so much pain that I dont know what to do with myself.<P>H called me into his bed, wrapped his arms around me, but I couldnt even stay there. Got up to have more wine and check this website!<P>Not sure if I can get through all of this. I feel so incredibly alone and wonder, after almost 20 years, why did I go through so much just to be here alone????<P>not much point going on that I can see.<P>I thought it was almost some kind of insurance plan - you put others needs first for a long time - then you have the rest of your life set up for you.<P>But it turns out not to the be truth!!!!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by runningonfaith (edited August 11, 2001).]

Running,<BR>I'm sorry you had such a wretched night. I had a few of those myself. Drinking to get through it probably isn't a good idea, it really is a depressant and too much makes you feel like crap, in every sense of the word. And if you keep at it, you end up with an alcohol problem on top of the rest of the problems.<P>It sounds like you handled a lot of your conversation with your H pretty well. He wasn't showing you respect, he wasn't being a good dad. Keeping the schedule regular is a good idea. We didn't do that for a long time, and my H didn't have an appropriate place to take our daughters, so many times he just came over to the house.<P>Calls in the middle of the night, even though your H responded very kindly, may make him view you primarily with pity and guilt. Those aren't love-building emotions. It's hard, it's unfair, but you don't want your H to heave a sigh of relief when you leave because seeing you makes him feel so BAD a reminder of how horridly he is failing you. Remember, probably part of the reason he is with the OW is because she makes him feel GREAT.<P>You can make it through this.<P>I was lucky enough to even get my marriage back after 2 years, but even if I hadn't, I had reached the point where I knew I would be ok without my H.<P>You have a child, so there is definitely one reason to go on. And there are many others.<P>If you aren't in counseling, find one. Steve Harley does phone counseling through this site.<P>Some people have found that anti-depressants help get a grip on the whirling emotions. I took them for 6 months, no longer need them.<P>Eat right, don't drink too much, exercise...those things will help with the sleep.<P>I'm sorry you were so alone last night.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

I'm pretty new to all this too. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I know the feeling. I've read about being on the emotional roller coaster of your life and boy is it true. I thought though if your H was still seeing OW and was out of the house you should move onto plan B. With no contact what so ever and a mutual friend contacts with issues or whatever. I know what you mean about feeling alone. I feel like that a lot also. Keep your head up and remember that there are no quick fixes for all this and it is going to take time, time, time. Take care and I'll be thinking about you.-KID

KID,<BR>Plan A is generally done for about 6 months if possible, whether separated or not. Some here have gone much longer. At times I though Plan A might be slightly easier when separated (as long as there is some contact) because I could keep my emotions under control for a couple hours, but when he was living at home, a full evening into morning was difficult for me. Contact is supposed to be without lovebusters.<P>You move to Plan B with no contact when your lovebank is draining, nearly empty, to safeguard the remaining love feelings, and can last 18 months.<P>These 2 plans together allow for the likelihood of reality to overcome the fantasy of the affair, and the possibility of reconciliation at that point.