Dave,<P>Thinking about you, your W & son today. This the 2nd anv, right? I don't know how you do it.<P>Gina

Thanks, Gina - Yes, two years ago today. I have no choice but to do it. To be honest, my wife's betrayal was far worse than my son's death. That may sound backwards, but I have a logical explanation - logical for me, anyway.<P>I understand why my son died. It will always hurt, but I understand. We didn't cause his disease and we did everything we could to save him. As a result, I have no guilt and I am at peace with it. <P>I did most of my grieving while he was still alive. My wife has yet to grieve.<P>In contrast, I didn't fully understand my wife's behavior in the early stages of the affair, and because I was being blamed by her for her lack of love, I had a lot of guilt. I went into severe depression bcause I didn't understand and felt responsible. However, through MB and friends like you, I have come to better understand her behavior and my guilt is much lessened.<P>Nonetheless, we have not done everything we can to cure this disease. Thus, I am not at peace with it and I continue to do everything I can to cure it. If/when my love finally dies, I will be able to be at peace because I will know I have done everything I could to recover our family. Yes, I will have regrets for not knowing what to do to prevent the disease, but my solitary efforts to cure it will sustain me.<P>I will have done most of my grieving while our marriage was still alive. My wife may never grieve.<P>Dave (WAT)

WAT, I can't imagine your pain and the strength you must have...my prayers are with you.

Dave,<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers today. <P>Your friend,<BR>Jo

Thanks, ladies, your compassion is working because I'm doing fine. What a difference a year makes.<P>A few minutes ago, I took a card to my wife's apartment complex and put it under the windshield wiper on her car. In it I wrote that I'm thinking of her and <son> today (he's with her), just like always, and I thanked her for calling and visiting me last year on this day when I hit rock bottom. I offered to talk with her if she needs do.<P>I hope she understands.<P>Dave

Thoughts coming from me, too....

Dave,<P>Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you as well on this 2nd anniversary of such a tragic loss.

Hi Dave,<P>I don't know your story but it sounds like you lost your son and your wife. My heart goes out to you today - it is the most horrible thing in the world to lose a child. My boy was killed a few months after my husband left so I also lost my family like you did. [this was in 1999] The first year anniversary of my son's death was harder for me to handle than the time of his death. I think I was just in a daze when he died and the daze had worn off in a year's time. My son died 2 days before his 19th birthday in a car accident. God Bless you, Dave

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Your's must have been more tragic than mine because we had time to prepare. <BR>May God continue to give you strength.<P>Dave

<B>Dave</B>,<P>I'm sorry that you have such a sad anniversary to think of, but glad that you have some closure.<P>The grief process is absolutely necessary, as I learned in mourning the death of my brother almost 2 years ago. Likewise, there is a very intense grief process involved with the sort of marital problems that many of us have endured. We never separated, but I can tell you that the grief over my wife's affair was longer, and perhaps even more painful than my grief over losing my brother, so I understand your statement about the grief over your wife's betrayal.<P>The difficult thing is that when people are physically sick, they usually aren't in such deep denial that they reject the need for treatment. With mental/emotional issues the patient is much more likely to reject the need for treatment. A lack of grieving on your wife's part doesn't mean that she isn't hurting, she'll be affected even if she doesn't realize it. The problem is that if you don't grieve you can continue to be hurt for the rest of your life, never getting better.<P>So, you can do the MB principles, which are the best hope for your marriage. What you can't control is how her lack of resolving these other issues (which I would guess goes back before the death of your son to FOO issues) affects her ability to respond to your MB behaviors.<P>It looks to me like you're doing well in your modified Plan B. I don't think you should give up hope, but just don't know if/when she'll come around, and I suspect that all the analysis in the world won't allow you to predict it either. I'm still hoping for the best, but I'm glad that either way you'll know that you, at least, did all that you could.<P><B>Gina</B>,<P>Does the sudden appearance of Gina, formerly known only as either "sing" or briefly as a certain metallic tree, mean that you're out of the closet? That is, are you now openly an MBer .<P>Seriously, you were formerly concerned with anonymity, although I think that your sons pretty well know the score about your H's A. How are things on the home front?<P>BTW, I don't know what flavor of church you prefer, but if you're uncomfortable with the old one due to your previous shared history then I might have a suggestion. We've gone to the "brand" of church we go to now in several places around the country and like them well; I know of a large one of this type near your location. If you're thinking of checking out other churches, send me an email (I'm in the email exchange post) and I'll send you the link to their web site, which you can check out to see if you're interested.<P>Be careful of the sun while hanging around that pool. I've managed to get burned in spots that I missed with the sunscreen today, but mine was from 1-1/2 hours biking in the noonday sun.<P>Steve

Dave.<P>love your attitude. <P>so how was the barbie, <P>

Dave,<P>I didn't know that today was the anniversary date. Your family will be in my prayers also.<P>cleo