Well, My H moved home last Sunday night. I did not know what to exoect because he did't tell me if he was coming home to work on our marriage or because his mom kicked him out. That first night was soooo nice. And the rest of the week has been pretty good too. He just walked in and started playing happy family man. Now of course there is a little uncertainty, because we don't know where this is going, and I don't know what his intentions are, but it feels very comfortable. And OW came back in town last week as well! <P>We had a joint counseling session on Tuesday and H said he was home to find out if this is where he wants to be. (I know Plan A, my [censored] off!) The subject came up about him working with OW. Right after D-Day my H said that if he and I could work things out he understood that he could not work with OW. I asked if he would get a new job, he said he thought OW would probably transfer somewhere else. So I brought this up in counseling and my H said "Well, nothing was set in stone." I said I know, and I understand that he cannot just tell this OW that she has to move. But I honestly cannot live with him working with her. The counselor said "men and women can be friends", I said "some can, but this man and woman cannot!" (What is up with these counselors supporting the H to work with OW???) The counselor also brought up the trust issue, and I agree that I will need to trust him eventually...just don't know if my H can trust himself. My H even told the counselor, "A lot of the books we have been reading compare this to an addiction and say it is best to remove yourself from what you are addicted too." (HELLOO???? My H is telling the counselor this!!???!!!) <P>I know that some couples on this forum have been able to get past working with the OP, and I appreciate their advice. But the department my H and the OW work in is very small, they lunch together almost every day and spend many, many, many hours together. My H knows I wanted him to get a different job even before all of this happened. But he loves his job, has been there almost 11 years and it is very stable work, would never get laid off. He has also told me he feels like he lives 2 lives, one at work and one at home. I feel like he needs to give up this other life and this job, or give up me. Or, at the least, she needs to find a new job. I know the Harley's feel it is wrong to issue ultimatums about finding a new job, but I don't know what else to do here. I don't think my H is giving our marriage a fair chance if he continues to work with his "addiction". (And yes he told me it felt like an addiction right after D-Day, before we started reading all the books.)<P>Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Heck

Gal - i had this long reply typed up and then the lightning caused a power pause and I lost it. We're having a real toad floater.<P>Take small steps.<P>Maybe an ultimatum on the work situation is a bit soon. It's terrific that he sees the "addiction" analogy, so maybe he'll figure out on his own about the work situation. Don't push.<P>Does your counselor need a copy of SAA? Or do you need another counselor?<P>Consider posting your question on the Recovery board.<P>WAT

Not that I have any experience in this department yet but IMO yes plan A plan A plan A! The more you make a big isssue out of your H working with the OW the more you're going to lose focus on what's important saving your marriage. I whole heartedly agree that if they are working together the temptation is going to be there. Just ease up a bit if things are going great for the two of you he won't want to be bothered with her. Best of luck!!!<BR>cybil

It's just so hard because he will be spending soooo much time with her EVERY day. And yes, I know I need to meet his EN's and no LB, but there is a certain amount of stress involved in running a household and raising 2 kids. I just feel we need to talk about these things instead of ignoring them. How do you communicate without LBing? When can I expect some of my EN's to be met?<P>I was thinking about visiting OW and having a little chat with her. Just wanted to see what my H said to her (about working on our marriage) and to see what her intentions are. I want to let her know that I am not comfortable with them working together and to see if she has any intentions on leaving. What do you all think???<P><BR>Heck<p>[This message has been edited by heckofagal (edited August 12, 2001).]

Dear Heck,<P>Do you really think that the OW is a reasonable person? Able to deal with you? Or does she see you as the enemy? Will your H see this as an LB? <P>Your response may help you determine whether that stress of talking with the OW will bring the desired results. These foggy minds have a way of making the worst of the best of intentions. I don't want to see you hurt. <P>Be careful!!!<BR>L.

OK, so I will hold off contacting OW for now. I've told my H I would like to have "communication night" every Wed after we put the kids to bed to cover issues and just talk more. So we'll see how tonight goes.<P>Any suggestions on how to get through this tough phase?<P>Heck<BR>

OK, never mind...it does not matter anymore. Long talk with my H last night and it looks like he would rather give up his family than give up his precious job. Or as he says, "That's where I'm at right now." It looks like I'm losing this battle and at this point I'm getting tired of fighting it. He will never come out of the fog seeing her everyday!!! I'm not moving to Plan B...will let him stay and go thru the motions. He's only been back for 11 days and I thought things were going pretty well, but he says he's not comfortable at home. Part of me wishes he had not come home because now I'm at the ugly phase again realizing my dreams are being crushed. And I think technically I'm supposed to go to Plan B now to "save my love for him"... but I think it's time to see him for what he really is - <BR>* unable to put his family first in his life<BR>* lazy<BR>* no desire to live life to the fullest<BR>* not willing to be the husband I need him to be<BR>I don't even know how much I will actually Plan A anymore. I'm tired of kissing @ss! I deserve more and if my H can't appreciate what I have to offer I'm sure someone else will! We will just live day to day, I guess preparing for the day he decides to leave for good.<BR>Thanks, Heck<P>