Hello everyone, I have been out of commission for awhile and things have gotten so very weird, I really do not know what to do. Well this week was about as bad as it's been in awhile. Told wife about confrontation of Dr. on Tues. I think she already knew, I'm almost certain she knew. I told her that she was not the first person he had had an A with and that if he could lie to his W and kids he could sure lie to her. We got into big fight and I wrote long email telling her I'm sorry for everything, she wrote back stating that she was documenting that I should not contact her at work any more and that she was documenting such, she used words that I did not think she even knew. The next day she came over and said that she would be getting some things this weekend and I asked what things? She said the bed, couch and computer, I told her she could not have the computer and she got real mad and asked if I would be willing to sign legal separtion papers. I told her that I am not going to make it easy on her to leave me and that she needed to know that. She asked what I wanted and told her to work out my marriage. Then we sat down and she for the first time confessed the A said she was sorry and that there was no justification or excuse for what she did and that she could not imagine the pain she has put me through. <BR>Shand I cried for a long time and hugged. We then went through the entire house and itemized things down to pictures and everything. We made a list with some ? beside the things like the house, dog, car. I told her that I think I deserved the house because of what she did and that I would be willing to destroy the video in exchange for the house. She said that she might do that. I guess the whole night lasted 4 hours and it was very emotional we hugged and cried very much. I really thought it might be over. She called me late that night to make sure I was ok. The next day, I called her and she said that she had talked to her attorney and that she was not going to file for separation right now because we were communicating and b/c it was going to be $1500 and that if we could not settle this on our own, it would get expensive. i told her I thought that was a good idea and maybe we could work things out on our own. I told her that I wanted to be friends at least and she was receptive. She then called me back later that afternoon and asked if she could bath the dog and if I wanted some sushi I told her yea so we ate together and talked about going to the dog show together in the am. We agreed to go together and I followed her to her hometown 30 miles away and we drove another 50 miles to the show then back. We then had lunch and went shopping. The whole time we got along great, we laughed and the conversation was good and not about 'us'. She dropped me off and we agreed to go again to the show together tomarrow. This was very weird and it's more time we have spent together in a long time. Is she playing me? Did the attorney tell her to act this way? Is she just feeling better no that things are out on the open? How should I act and what should I do? Do I trust her?<P>GC

GC - hard to say what's she's thinking. Try to concentrate on your Plan A demonstrations when you get quality time like this.<P>A couple of thoughts. I reacted negatively to your offer to be "friends." Can you be a friend to somebody that lies to you? If she's really come clean, then maybe this stance is unnecessary. It seems that often the divorcing spouse wants to remain friends, which is a cover for their guilt.<P>What do you think is the status of the affair? Does Mrs. Dr. know yet?<P>Maybe don't be so quick to trade away the video for the house. It should be traded perhaps for a good faith effort for reconciliation after she ends the affair.<P>WAT

WAT, <P>Good questions about the friends part. I suggested that we be friends right now if we can't be anything more. Do you think she wants to be friends b/c she wants a D?<P>She wants 1/2 the house and doesn't care about the video so she says. She also says that right now she doesn't see the marriage as reconciable. She feels a though I can't forgive her and that I will always hold the video and A over her head. Everytime she is here she gets emotional and cries. Now it seems as though she is more emotoinal than me. I can't understand it. She is moving out stuf tonight, bed, couch and stuff priro to marriage. She says she wants to legally seperate within the next motnh or so. I am thinking that when she serves me papers, I do not sign unless she agrees to go to counseling with me once a week for the next 10 months. And if she decides not to go, then I will just wait her out until she files for D? What does everyone think about this?<P>I'm also asking this questions as a seperate post WAT.<P>GC

gdc glad to hear that things went well this weekend for you and your W. I'm no expert here but maybe her coming clean about the A was such a relief that it made her realize that you truly will forgive her and still want to save your marriage. You probably scared the H*** out of Dr. when you confronted him and he may be looking at things differently as well. Give her some time. At least you are getting along and you are spending quality time together which gives you more of an opportunity to fill her EN's. As far as the stipulation about her going to counseling if she agrees to go that doesn't necessarily mean she will be a willing participant as long as she shows up for the appointment she's held up her end of the agreement. I recently spoke to my atty. about this regarding my H and counseling. Good luck I'll be praying for you.<BR>cybil

Cybil,<P>What did your atty. say about the counseling?<P>GC

gdc:<P>You and your wife have taken a first step.<P>Now the burden is on you. (1) To maintain a good, solid Plan A; and (2) to get her to realize that you <I>won't</I> hold the affair/video over her head.<P>Doing so would violate the rules of protection and care. Let her honestly know that all you are interested in is in healing your marriage so that the two of you can get on with you life.<P>It is marathon you are in, not a sprint. But the burden will be on you to prove to her that you can provide that safe haven and provide love despite the past.<P>Good that she doesn't have the $1500 and wants to work things out with you (vis a vis the separation). Here is your golden opportunity to turn Plan A up a notch, and perhaps steer "working out the separation" into outright reconciliation. Stranger things have happened in the fog zone <smile>.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Gdc a couple weeks ago I went to see my atty. and we were talking about a seperation agreement anyway in my state before a divorce is granted the courts say you must attend 3 MC sessions unless both parties agree not to. He said he has seen cses where the parties agree to go and one spouse will either sit there read a book or twiddle their thumbs. As long as you show up for the appt. you are holding up your end of the agreement. Hope this helps you in some way.<BR>cybil

Sunday, we got along good, did some talking about us and our counselors and went shopping again. We talked about us and I asked her flat out, does she think this can be worked out. Her reply was "I don't see this marriage being reconcilable right now"<P>Is this a bad sign? Has anyone heard this one before?<P><BR>I asked her why she was still talking to me if she thought it was not reconcilable? <P>She said nothing. When she was at the house getting stuff, she started crying and said she had to do this right now. She seemed very sincere about being upset. She also left a note saying. <P>"Please know that I do I love you and I just don't know what else to do... I keep saying also - one day at a time."<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gdc:<BR><B>Her reply was "I don't see this marriage being reconcilable right now"<P>Is this a bad sign?</B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>GDC,<BR>I think this is excellent!! I hear the "RIGHT NOW" as a sign from her that she is waffling....and unsure. Completely understandable. Continue Plan A. As long as she is waffling, and unsure, Plan A can show her a "new you" and swing her more to your side.<P><B>"Please know that I do I love you and I just don't know what else to do... I keep saying also - one day at a time."<BR></B>[/QUOTE]<BR>This is also a great sign!! She is telling you she is unsure from day to day. I say Plan A your BUTT off, and show her that YOU are the better option. She now knows Dr. is a Class A JERK. BUt she is "in the fog" and confused. Confusion is a GOOD THING....Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Keep asking her to go out and do things, too. As long as she agrees to it, you can meet her needs and show her a new you. I think you are in very good shape to turn things around. <P>BUT, DON"T EXPECT anything!! Just Plan A. Plan A. Plan A.<P>My .02 <BR>Lupo<P>

GDC,<P>Do what everyone is telling you, but in addition don't talk about the relationship with her right now. Try thinking of it this way. Your marriage vows have been broken, so the old marriage is over.<P>What has to be determined by the both of you is whether or not you want to have this woman as your W. She has to determine if she wants you as her H. You are in fact dating.<P>Now usually on a date people don't spend time talking about adultery, affairs, lying, and other things in the past. Not until things reach a much deeper level.<P>So Plan A, but view it as dating. If you enjoy being with her and have fun continue to date. If she enjoys being with you she will probably continue to date you. <P>Right now asking her if there is a chance is like asking someone to marry you on the first date. She hasn't a clue what the future holds, but it is unlikely she would marry you on the first date.<P>Does this make sense?? I hope so.<P>Hang in there.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Lupo and JL,<P>Your responses are encouraging to say the least. I can see your point loud and clear. I will PLANAPLANAPLANAPLANA until I can't do it anymore. Say nothing about the relationship and hope she does not file for seperation. If she does, I will then probably tell her that I will sign anything she wants if she activley participates in marriage counsleing with me. What do you think of that?? LB or not.<BR>what do I have to lose other than my W and 1/2 of everything.<BR>