My husband has had 2 affairs.That I know of anyway.Lately he has been doing some things that have me very suspicious of another one.<P>1.He has been buying new clothes which he has never done before.Usually he will go around with stained up clothes that look like he has slept in them and could care less.All of a sudden he is coming in with new clothes and shoes.He doesnt bring them in and show me.I just notice them when he is wearing them.He is also a guy that just wears regular fruit of the loom plain white underwear.All of a sudden now he bought colored boxer briefs.<P>2.He has been shaving more often.Usually he has a 5 o'clock shadow.If he does shave its just with a pair of trimmers and is not clean shaven.Lately he has been actually shaving in the shower witha real razor.<P>3.He is spending more and more time away from home and less with his family.Every weekend he is out having a drink with friends,or he has to go shopping,or something.When he does go out with his buddies its usually to a go-go bar.But yet he can never make time to do anything with me.The last time we did something together was for my birthday which was almost 2 months ago.Other people including my son have even commented how he is never home anymore.<P>4.Last but not least.I have had 2 friends of his all but tell me he is messing around with the girl from his last affair again.He says they are lying,but I dont know why they would.<P>If anyone has any advice please help me out here.Am I just being paranoid or do I have reason to worry?He has been under a lot of stress at work.But it sure would feel nice if he could work out his stress with me instead of with his buddies or at the go-go bars.In my opinion if a man has a wife at home thats in shape,is ready willing and able for sex at anytime,then he has no need to go look at other women.It hurts.<P>Thanks for any advice.<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

Tammy, you already know the answer. I think that perhaps the Peggy Vaughan method of confrontation might be in order. Maybe you should cite the things you've just told us, then say, "Now, if you've taken up with OW again -- or someone else -- it doesn't necessarily mean our marriage is over. But if you do not tell me the truth, and I find out later that you're lying, THAT would cause more damage than anything you might be involved with."<P>Before you do this, though, let's see what others think.

HI Tammy,<BR>I am sorry to read your post (((hugs)))<BR>Back to the basics. What dose h doe when confronted about the time spent away from home? The go-go outings? <BR>Seems he has fallen off the wagon as far as working on the marriage. <BR>Go back to what you already know. You need to establish the communication again so he will talk. Just as d&c stated, make sure not to attack or accuse when addressing the possible infidelity. If he is not with an OW, then why the behavior? He needs to account for his actions. <BR>POJA Tammy. Get him talking, plan a, and pray.<BR>aloha cl

Swttmy,<BR>I hate to say this too but I also think you know the answer. My H did some similar things. He is currently living with OW. A started when they worked together. He started spending less time with us, would get home later in the mornings (worked nights), and started taking better care of his appearance. He didn't buy new clothes but started shaving more regularly and making sure he tucked in shirts and wore a belt. Started wearing best clothes to work where before he didn't care what he looked like for work (worked in warehouse). <P>I didn't acknowledge the signs out of fear. He eventually told me of A. I wish I had though...things might have worked out better and my children and I might not have gone thru as much pain and anguish as we have.<P>Good luck to you.<P>MS

I have actually confronted him with my fears.The last time I remember him going out and buying new clothes and taking better care of himself was when he moved in with OW.I get the usual excuses.Nothing is going on.I just needed some new clothes because all of mine are stained or ruined.Im tired of walking around looking like a bum.Or that he is trying to take better care of his appearance for me.He wouldnotmit to another affair.I would have to actually catch him in the act and he would still probably try to deny it.<BR>As far as him being gone so much,he doesnt agree.I have sat on the couch by myself more in the last month than I can remember.A neighbor of ours comes over sometimes and hangs out and my H said......"people are going to start saying you 2 are sleeping together."Maybe if he was around more I wouldnt be sitting around talking to my neighbor.Its better than being alone all the time.It seems like everytime I walk in the door from work,or anywhere else for that matter there he goes out the door.He just now did it.I walked in from the store and out he went.My son asked if he could could go with him and he said no and out he went.But yet everywhere I go I have at least 1 of our children with me.<P>Last night he went out with a friend{again}so as usual me and my kids went somewhere together.On the way back I passed by this stip club I know he hasbeen to.I was almost positive I saw him and his friend standing in the parking lot.So I asked where he went when he got home and he didnt mention the strip club.So I told him I saw him and he went off into a tangent.Even went as far as to take off again out the door at 1 am.I am 99.9% sure it was him I saw.He is telling me that it definitely was not and is still angry with me today.Have I lost my mind?I told him I saw him when he came in and tried to have sex with me and I didnt want to after he had been there.I guess there is the posibility that it was not him I saw.He already told the guy he went out with that I accused him of being there.I guess I look like the [censored] once again.<BR>My gut feelings are getting stronger and stronger.Everytime he walks out the door I get a sick feeling in my stomach.Im am almost ready to give up whether I have proof or not.All the fears and the anxiety are whats killing me right now.<BR>

{{{{{{{{{{{{Swttmy}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>You know, I'm not one to like to jump the gun, but I wouldn't tolerate it for a moment longer myself. He has put you through not one but two affairs and is acting like this? I think you know the answer. Mine would be don't let the door hit you on the a** on your way out myself. Sorry, not real MB, but Plan B I guess is the MB answer. Hang in there, you'll be ok.

Thank you all for the advice!I knew I hadn't lost my mind.<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

well first thing is this is tammy's husband<BR>then we go on to explain the other side of the story <BR>1)yes i bought new clothes 3 pairs of shorts 1 shirt and 2 whole pairs of underwear last summer i bought these almost exactly same clothes and the summer before as well yes most of my clothes are stained i am a roofer they get stained i quit that job to start my own business i believe i need to look at least a bit profesional for that<BR>2)shaving i shaved with a razor 2x in 2 months 1 time for a wedding and one x for no reason she is correct i like to "shave" with the trimmers and that is how i usually do it but 2x in a 2 month span is like me<BR>3)going to the go go bar where she "saw" me i didnt go that time ....have i been in the past ...yes will i go again .......yes but i didnt go that time yes i did get infuriated by the acusation because she has lied to me in the past about phone calls seeing me places and so on ...she has admitted to these lies and as far as im concerned this was just another one<BR>4) have i been going "out" with my friends more yes i have i have been hurt when i needed her to celebrte in my joy she pissed on my parade when i needed her support in going in to business for my self she pissed again people say on these boards that the "cheater" needs to be understanding well i have been but when does the understanding end when do we get to be happy again i have been there to pick her up when she was down i was there to praise her when she was up so why when i am accused of a horrific event that devasted me (not the cheating) why when it is found that i didnt do anything cant she celebrate in my joy instead of being unhappy that it didnt go as she wanted why when a company has cost me thousands of dollars after i made them a half a million and i decide to leave and make that money for us why cant i get some support or at least "i hope you can do it honey i know that would make you happy" so i go out with my male friends to get that support that i am not getting from her<BR>lastly am i cheating NO have i thought long and hard about leaving this marriage YES i will not cheat again it has caused toooo much damage to me her and our kids cheating is not about sex it is about filling a void that is left empty by the one you are suposed to love sex is a by product of filling the void to much emphasis is placed on the sex in this forum not enough is placed on solving the underlying problems Tammy i know you are reading this WE have problems i would like to fix them but hollering pack your stuff and leave isnt the solution and neither is me storming out mad everytime we get in a disagreement ....i am sorry for the long post my name is james and i do love tammy

James:<P>I am sorry that you & Tammy are still not communicating. You both say you love each other...well, show it !!<BR>Money does not buy you the love, happiness or respect that Tammy needs. She wants you. What a wonderful thing. This woman who has taken you back after doing such a terrible thing and all she wants is YOU. Can you take her out ??<BR>Get a sitter..show her you care & understand her fears. Don't expect her to believe you. You've lied before. Give her credit for still being in your life and being your wife and still loving you. Can't you see by her post that she is scared to death that it's happening all over again. You said You didn't want to go thru it again..Do you really think she does?? Only you can calm her fears. Show your love by being respectful...don't run away when things get hectic....TALK>>TALK>>TALK.......& don't forget to LISTEN !!<P>Go to each other...discuss what's been on your minds (Mars/Venus book really helps with the communication barriers)...Think positive.<P>Don't mean to preach, but I'm going through the same exact thing right now.

James and Tammy:<BR>This is so much better when both of you are on here together. I think much more insight is gained about your situation than if only one is here, and the story is one-sided.<P>James, I think if you will read your W's posts, you will see her fear that "old habits" are starting up again. YOU say you don't want that devastation in your M again. Do you think she does? Of course not. Have the two of you done an ENQ? If you don't have SAA, or haven't read HNHN, then that is the place to start. <P>You two really need to TALK, really, REALLY talk about your future, your needs, your fears, everything.<P>Tammy, your H has opened himself up here for us all to see. We don't know everything that goes on in your home. He is telling us that there are reasons for his going out alone. Why DON"T you get a sitter and go too, sometimes? It sounds to me like he would like that. Has he ever told you this? Or asked you to go with him? Try it! <P>Please, please, both of you, DO THE MB CONCEPTS. they can help you fix what is wrong. It is obvious that both of you know things are wrong. And it is also obvious that both of you are hurting and don't want to stay the way you are. Please, call the Harleys or get the books and start working TOGETHER on your M. Steve Harley has advised others that if you don't have a solid plan in place to fix what is wrong, IT WON"T GET FIXED. Just wanting to do it won't work. YOU have to plan it out together.<P>Please stay and get help. We are all here to help each other SAVE Marriages!<P>Lupo<BR>

The sad thing here really is that we truly cannot talk anymore.Everytime we talk latley it turns into an argument.My H either resorts to namecalling,putting me down,or saying "you ALWAYS do this,or "you NEVER do that."I try really hard to communicate things but I cannot discuss anything with somebody who talks to me like this.When he does this it in turn makes me start talking to him the same way and we accomplish nothing.When I offer my own opinion about things its "your right and I'm wrong","you dont want to see me happy" or "ok fine you get your way."We had stopped that and were communicating well for a while,but it's bak to thesame old thing now.<P>As far as me "pissing on his parade" about things.When I tell him how I feel on something that involves both of us and it's not the way he feels or thinks then it's wrong.I try to support him in all ways ,but I will not always agree with him.My H has a way of shooting from the hip about things.I am the type of person who is a little more cautious and thinks things through.Because of that he says I brain f*** everything.In my opinion I am not wrong in doing this,I am just different than he is about that.I notice he says I pissed on his parade about him starting his won business.He neglected to mention he did this 2 years ago and the whole family greatly suffered.It did not work out at all and it caused great starin on all of us and our finances.I was trying to convey to him the pros and the cons and tell him the fact that I was scared.But because I am not totally with him on this idea I am not supporting him and I dont want him to be happy.Thats the furthest from the truth.<BR>He also neglegted to mention that last month I saw a detailed cell phone bill of his.The OW's phone number was all over it.Sometimes several times in 1 day.He called her # more than he did me or anyone else.They ranged from length from 1 minute up to 30 minutes.When I confronted him,and yes I was angry as hell,he said he was calling to harrass her because she ahs been doing it to me.Yes,she has harrassed me since the day we reconciled.He said he was doing the same to her by calling and hanging up or calling and threatening her.I said ok then make one of these calls while I am standing here.Call and threaten or harass her with me present.He said he would but everytime I suggested it,it wasnt a good time or he was in the middle of something else.Needless to say I have been worried sick over it.After this he ahs since changed his password so I cannot view the detailed bill online.Oh yea,nothing to hide huh?This was after 2 friends of his had told me he was with OW again.<BR>I also love James very much.<BR><P>------------------<BR>

The last post was actually me,Tammy.I accidentally posted under my H's name.Sorry.<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

well since as tammy said we cant speak and since we are having the who can piss the furthest contest i just say that i love you i have heard what you have said and i am attempting to change what you want changed <BR>you broke me this time and my will to fight has left me you win

As I have said before,this is not a competition and there is no winner or loser.We both lose if there is no COMMUNICATION!I dont undertstand how this is a who can piss the furthest contest when I have only expressed my feelings.If I didnt love my H and want things to work I wouldnt be trying so hard.I wouldnt be on these boards trying to get advice.I have won nothing.In fact I have lost yet again in trying to reach compromises and communicate with my H.There is nothing more in this world that I want than to see my marrigage work.if this is the road we keep traveling though I see a dead end here.<BR>If there is another way to communicate my feelings without being a threat,please someone on here tell me how!I am pretty broken myself here and mentally exausted.<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

I apologize that this forum has become a heated debate between my H and me.But maybe if everyone sees how we have been handling things with each other we can get some helpful advice.We went to a marriage counselor a while back and it really helped.That is not possible right now so I guess we can rely on you great MBer's.Thanks all for your help and understanding.<P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love something set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

Hi Tammy & James,<BR>You guys should both read this together, I'm sure it would help! Get a babysitter, go out to dessert & coffee--it's hard to argue when there is something sweet in your mouths, and take turns reading:<P>Harley's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Policy of Joint Agreement</A><P>My prayers are with you...