To JustPlainCali, Nerlycrazy, and NSR- Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post and for your kind words <P>To all the others here – I’m new here and have only posted once (Thursday) and haven’t even begun to share my story, just needed to get some general info about how to post. But I really need to share this with you all !!! I have been lurking here, on & off, for about 2 years and have read so many posts of heartbreak & betrayal and hope & inspiration. My post here was a cry for help during the darkest time of my life – but something has happened to me that has shown me a light in that darkness. I hope it will do the same for someone else. <P>First. let me start by saying that I am not a deeply religious man – but I have always, and continue to believe in God. I haven’t been to a church in probably 5- 6 years. Partly because my wife and I do not belong to one (I do occasionally pray for help & guidance) – Mostly because I don’t know where I fit in. I do not believe that any one individual, group or faith has all the answers and a lot of the world’s strife has been caused by one group telling another you have to believe my way or you will be damned!! Please don’t get me wrong – I am respectful of all other faiths and feel that the world would be a nicer place if everyone would just stick to the basic “Thou shalt not’s” of each of them. However I have great disdain for those groups that hide behind the cloak of faith and divine right to promote the hurting and exclusion of others. I don’t really think this is what God had in mind!!!<BR>I believe in one infinite God of love, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, and wisdom.<P>Sorry for rambling…… Now the rest of the story.<P>My life has been sliding down a slippery slope for the better part of 4 years. My marriage and my business have been spinning out of control in a vicious cycle the entire time (it is a long and complicated story that I will go into another time). On Thursday (8/9) I had finally decided to come her and post – I had hit rock bottom and decided to start climbing out. I have been feeling like a complete and utter failure as a husband, father, son, and businessman and thought this would be a good place to start because of the anonymity, shared experiences, and compassionate understanding and support I have seen expressed here. I could talk to my mother (pretty close), my sister (very close), father (distant), friends (some close some not so) but I didn’t want to involve them because I don’t want them taking sides and building up animosity towards my wife. What really sucks is that I couldn’t talk to my wife without it blowing up into a big fight and without the insults, put downs, and I told you so’s (moron, stupidest man I’ve ever known, I oughta throw you’re a** outa here kind of stuff) being thrown my way like a thousand daggers.<P>So anyway, I finished writing my post and ended it with - “ I feel so lost and so alone- God help me, please, and show me Your way.” <P>I was trying to get my post submitted but having trouble (typing my password incorrectly with no caps) when I get bumped off line (connection interrupted). I’m thinking what’s up with this – I have only one phone line to my office and have disabled call waiting while on line in my options, and I have never been bumped off since I changed the settings. My phone rings and it’s a Fax – I’m thinking great some telemarketing speed-dial machine sending me more junk I’m pi**ed off and thinking – great I probably lost everything I wrote and will have to start again from scratch. Can it get any worse!!??<P>It does. The fax is a memo from my insurance agents office informing me that the Co. I have all my business policies with is canceling my policy because my payment is 7 days late, unless I overnight the payment to them today!! I call the office and ask to speak to the agent who is a longtime and very close friend. He’s not in so I call his cell phone- no answer. I call back to the office and talk to one of the girls and ask them to call the Co. and see if there is anything we can do to stop this. She says she will but Co’s offices are closed for the day. She tells me she will call in the a.m. and to call her first thing. I tell her that I will get on the phone and get a hold of the people we are currently working for<BR>and see if they can get a check to me for work completed less the remaining work & retainage.<BR> <BR>I hang up the phone and break down in tears. I regain my composure and head home in dread. My wife and I had been arguing about money at lunch time (I usually go home for it everyday – spend time with her & kids and to save money) and she had caught me in another lie about money (how much) coming in to the business. She is not involved in the business and takes the position that everything that comes in goes home first and anything that’s left stays in the business as we are in pretty high personal debt. Well the business is in pretty high debt because I have tried to do this for her as best I could. I have been performing this immense “juggling act” to try and keep everyone happy and failing miserably, however when money comes in some always goes home. I always end up feeling that she is trying to kill the goose that laid the copper egg – not yet golden as my line of work is pretty much always in demand and is somewhat of a necessity and the potential is there. Besides I really don’t see a way out of this personal and business debt, other than working our way out of it , short of filing for bankruptcy (which she has said she feels like doing, sans me, and starting out fresh). So I go home and ask her “ what do you want to know that I haven’t told you?” (trying radical honesty). We talk. She pretty much knows the overall big picture as I have not been completely dishonest but little lies beget bigger ones. I don’t tell her about the cancellation notice. The conversation turns to my snooping, my irrational suspicions, how I always believe the worst (what does that say about what I think of her), my insecurity, and how she feels that everything she does is under constant scrutiny. She tells me that she will talk to whoever she wants, do whatever she wants, come and go as she pleases, and that she will no longer defend her actions to me. She asks when I snooped last, I say this week She asks if I found her list of questions for the attorney (Big, Big surprise!!) while I was snooping and I told her that I hadn’t. She then says that I mustn’t have been looking very hard and asked if I found the email address on a napkin that she had been holding for a friend. She also tells me that her counselor has told her that she would probably be happier if she divorced and even gave her the names of attorneys she would recommend. Whoa!! This is a major surprise<BR>as we had stopped seeing this counselor together almost 2 years ago and I had no idea at all that she was still seeing her (Counselor is W’s – she had been seeing her when we first met and had been for some time). I go to bed in a state of numbness and hope that I will wake up to a better day.<P>I really apologize for getting so far of track…..again<P>Friday morning my agents office calls and the woman who handles the work with my insurance Co. tells me that they will wait till Monday for payment. I tell her that I will be in contact with customer later and that I am sure I will be able to get the money. Whew! A little breathing room.<P>I finally get a hold of this customer and I am transferred to the project engineer. I ask him if he could expedite payment on the last invoice as I was in a bind with cash flow and really needed to get it in. He starts informing me of all these little minor “issues” that have come up (nice to let me know when I am 95% completed with this job and have had 0% complaints or concerns raised to me). I ask him about this and he just tells that they need to be addressed and that no check will be issued. I tell him that they will be and that some of them have been corrected already and those that weren’t have already been taken into account. ( I take a great deal of pride in my work and that of my employees and work very hard to keep my customers happy – even at my expense. I may not be a great manager but I am excellent at my trade!!) I thank him for letting me know and hang up.<P>I have now come to the end of the line. I will not beg or whine – I have made my bed and now I have to sleep in it. I will try my best to keep my dignity. I have not been able to save any money and have nothing to fall back on. I don’t have a line of credit with the bank and already owe money to my parents (for the business). I have nowhere to turn. I know that this is the straw that is going to break the camels back My marriage, my family, my business, and my life are about to go down the tubes as my wifes #1,#2,#3,#4,and #5 ENs are financial support (I think). It’s all over.<P>I call my friend to inform him that I will not be able to come up with premium and I understand what that means. His cell phone is breaking up and he tells me that he will call right back.<P>My phone rings, I answer it – it is my friend and the first words out of his mouth are” Don’t worry, the check is on it’s way”. I ask, confused, what do you mean? He tells me that he sent the check to them and it was taken care of. I tell him that he can’t do that, that he shouldn’t have, that it’s not right, and that I could not accept what he had done. I tell him that I in no way expect this kind of help from him and that it was something he didn’t have to do. He insisted, would not take no for an answer, and said “ I know all of that but I also know you and know that you are good for it”. Fighting back tears, I tell him thank you, you are a true friend, and that I will always be grateful for what he has done. I tell him that as soon as I receive payment his will be the very first check I write.<BR>I tell him that he has absolutely no idea how much this means to me ( as in today you are my savior and believed in me even when I did not!), thanked him again, and wished him a good weekend. I hope to tell him in the future how he saved me that day but have a feeling he already knows.<P>I don’t know what any of this means- but I have renewed hope and know that no matter what else happens He is near!! I have a long and difficult journey ahead of me that only I can undertake, but I will always look back to this when I need that little or big push to go the extra mile!!<P>This all reminds me of a joke I once heard…………..<BR>A very religious & devout man was stranded on his roof during a raging flood. He prayed to God and asked Him to save him from the rising waters.<P>A boat came to his home and the occupants urged him to climb aboard. “No”, he said, “that’s alright, I don’t need your help.I have prayed to God and he will save me”!<P>The waters continued to rise and another boat came by. His response was the same.<P>The waters continued to rise until his home was about to break free from the foundation. A helicopter came and a man dropped down on a line and urged him to buckle up and be pulled to safety. The man refused and assured his rescuer that he would be fine because he had prayed and he was sure that the Lord would save his life!<P>The helicopter flew away and the man was washed away with his home and he drowned<P>Upon reaching heaven he came before God and asked Him- “ Lord what have I done to upset You? I have always tried to live my life right and yet when I prayed for Your help in my hour of need you ignored my plea!!<P>The Lord responded “ My dear man, I did not fail you, I sent two boats and a helocopter. What were you expecting?”<P>Thank You all for listening and I’m sorry this was so long<P>Never forget that God is in the details. Dig a little deeper and you will find Him!!! <P>Godspeed to all!!

seekr,<P>Great! At least the business end is looking up! Somehow, someway, it all seems to work out, huh. Just about the time you figure you can't go through one more door, a window opens. <BR> <BR>How about with the W? Where you able to sit down and talk with her at all? I suppose with all this business chaos going on, you haven't had time to do all the suggested reading. Please take that time. It's very important to your relationship with your W.<P>Hang in there with us. We are survivors. Keep posting and stay strong.

<B>WOW,</B> what a great post! Your words drew me in like a moth to the light. I certainly can relate to your feelings concerning the struggle within your business. My H and I owned a construction company at one time which fell to the wayside due to cash flow problems. There wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't worried about meeting payroll for the week. Therefore, I feel your acute pain.<P>Can I ask why your W is being so unsupportive? What is the history behind her animosity? <P>Your insurance agent is indeed a saint. Friends like that are a rarity. Treasure his friendship for it's irreplacable. <P>Hang in there, Seekr <P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Being touched by the hand of God is what is keeping me on this journey...I know of what you speak...<P>Something made me put marriage into the search engine of an Internet site and brought me here...<P>Something made me ask my H to go to a church on Mother's Day where the messages these past few weeks have been so strong...including one on the Prayer of Jabez which led me to read "Secrets of the Vine."<P>Something made me reach down to the bottom shelf of the romance book and find an out-of-place book, "The Four Agreements." <P>Something has put people and words and thoughtfulness into my path and to that of my H...<P>so I keep on keepin' on...<P>Today's message was from the book of James...I took time to read the whole thing...James is all about 'faithfulness.' and on that note, I will end...I have a separate post for that...<P>Keep the faith, seekr and others...that's all that God asks...Believe in Him...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Yes, seekr. I believe in angels, and I believe GOd sends us all kinds of helicopters, boats, jet-ski's, life-jackets, etc. Thank you for your story! <P>Hang in there. We're here for ya' to vent or ask questions, or share your thoughts ANYTIME!<BR>