I finally got through SAA and I had a question. It might seem weird but if anyone has an idea let me know.<P>In the book there is a case study where a wife leaves her husband for another man. Eventually the relationship falls apart and she returns to her husband. It seemed to me like she returned just in time, as her husband was losing his love for her. I have tons of love for my wife, so I've got lots of time.<P>I'm wondering based on that case about the resolution to situations like this. Walk Away Spouses in affairs.<P>Would the consensus be that if a divorce happens in situations like this that its because the person left behind has just finally given up and all their love for the spouse is gone? Or is it more likely that its the spouse who left that just decides the divorce is the right answer? Do they all eventually come out of the fog?<P>I'm in it for the long haul because I want my wife back. I'm just curious about the thought process.

In my case, my H is so in love with the OW---he can't see past that. He filed for a divorce and didn't even talk to me about it. Pretty sad.

Hi Sad ~<P>It's my understanding that the conventional wisdom about affairs (not just the Harleys) believe that given the opportunity, most WS's will attempt to come home at least once.<P>But in many cases, the reality is that the BS has lost their love, given up, regardless of who filed, and moved on to someone else by the time the WS is ready to come back.<P>The idea behind Plan A and Plan B is that as a BS, you work on your own part of your marriage by becoming the best YOU that YOu can be - and attempting to meet your spouse's ENs if possible, and at the least, avoid love busting.<P>Once your love bank starts to run dry, then it's time for Plan B, to preserve that love so that if the spouse does make a decision to come home, that you will still be interested in recovering the marriage.<P>Plan A and Plan B take patience and perserverance! But it can work, just look at all those recoverying folks on the "In Recovery" board <P>Just so you know - I am the BS and I filed for divorce. I put it on hold to try reconciliation, to find that my H was not sincere. I went the divorce route a second time with Steve Harley's recommendation.<P>The night before our first court date, my H asked for another chance. This time he meant it.<P>I'm glad you are in it for the long haul. It takes time. My H and I were separated 18 months. I do think what is going on now with us comes close to miraculous.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by miserynmissouri:<BR><B>In my case, my H is so in love with the OW---he can't see past that. He filed for a divorce and didn't even talk to me about it. Pretty sad.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is sad. <P>I at least have time on my side. My wife moved to a new state, so she has to be there a minimum of 6 months to be a resident to file, I don't know about doing it in my state now that she's moved. And I honestly think she isn't capable of filing herself. She just isn't "there" right now. I'm not going to file to make it easy on her either. As bad as this sounds I want her to feel some pain of loss, so she can file herself.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by BrambleRose:<BR><B>I'm glad you are in it for the long haul. It takes time. My H and I were separated 18 months. I do think what is going on now with us comes close to miraculous</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sounds like it! Good for you!<P>I'm just new to a lot of this, even though I've read 9 books with another 5 or so to go. I just don't understand the thought process of my wife right now. She HAD to leave, needs time and space to think, is telling her parents that she doesn't want to work on it all without one word to me or her family about WHY. I can look back now and see some of the things I did and can work from there to make changes, but I just need to know that at some point the fog will lift and she'll figure something out.<P>Thanks!<P>

I don't know the precise statistics, but I think in the vast majority of cases where an affair is present, discovered, and not stopped, divorce is initiated quickly by one of the parties. MB is a unique population and Harley is admittedly radical in his approach, which differs greatly from many others. More typically, a variant of the ultimatum is presented at or shortly after discovery, and if the affair is not ended then, it's over.<P>Personally, I'm three years into it and I haven't seen any remorse or second thoughts from my husband, despite Plan A for two years and pretty much no contact afterwards. My love is gone and we are nearly divorced. I don't think you can attribute this situation to me "losing my love". It's more appropriate to say that my husband "left without looking back". I think this is the case far more often than Harley's books would have you believe. Most of these situations do NOT work out if the affair isn't stopped at discovery and the wayward shows virtually no empathy toward the betrayed. I can site about a dozen success stories in the forum since 1998, and probably two hundred or more that are either divorced now, or the betrayed continues to attempt to wait out the affair, occasionally for multiple years.<P>The question I interpret you asking relates to the one that kept me working it for so long. "Do the vast majority of waywards come out of the fog if you give them enough time?". No one knows the answer, but I think there's a very good reason the Harley's suggest a two year time period and not longer. Our marriages are important, but not worth giving up our entire lives for. My strong opinion is two years is plenty. <P>There's no answer to the question you ask, but there is a practical approach that balances our desire to give the chance for marital recovery a full effort, with a need to rebuild our lives and find new love. It's the Harley plan for two years.

Hi, sbt!<BR>I agree with the others, that there's no way to predict human behavior as an "all or nothing". I've read enough posts on this site to know that some WS's come out of the fog, and some don't. And the length of time depends on SO many variables. (There's a similar thread going by Wounded One - asking about the length of fog time).<P>In addition to the Harley principles, 3 of my most respected friends - all of which have much experience in people's lives (ministry, teaching, counseling, etc.) - all told me when I first sought advice, that marriages can SURVIVE affairs. SO yes, the WS can face reality, take responsibility, and return to the marriage. Yes, the BS must find the balance of how long to give the WS. 2 years??? 3 months??? 1 week??? depending on what they think the marraige is "worth", the strength of the BS, the amount of love, kids, counseling/support, religious beliefs, etc. I've heard of many WS's that wake up much later - perhaps too late - after the divorce - or even after re-marrying.<P>my 2 cents...

Oh no. Just when I was feeling better. In my case, H knows how much pain he's caused me and wishes I would treat him like the dirt he knows he is. A textbook MLC. My timeline for divorce is never. (Strong Roman Catholic) I guess I'll have to discuss that with my buddy Steve. I'm still nuts about my H. Weird!<P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

Hey Distressed ~<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Most of these situations do NOT work out if the affair isn't stopped at discovery and the wayward shows virtually no empathy toward the betrayed.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I guess I could be counted as unique? What you stated above was the case in my situation, and yet we are now 6 weeks into a genuine recovery - and both of us are MUCH happier than we've been in years. I filed for divorce, put it on hold last Dec to try to reconcile, and went forward with it again when Steve Harley told me that we weren't in recovery. The difference btwn our first failed recovery and now is like night and day.<P>But a year ago, my H was telling me that I was "fat, ugly, disgusting" and that he hated me. That our marriage was over, the OW was the only woman that had ever made him happy, and that our marriage was the biggest mistake of his life. <P>We've got recovery now though!<P>It was Plan A that made all the difference in the world for us. I think without MBs, we'd be yet another divorce statistic.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>