Help. I am in desperate need of advice. My H confessed to me that when he sees OW he feels attracted to her. And during these conversations with her he kisses her. He says he has tried to stop the atrraction , yet it sounds like an addiction. He also said that if given the opportunity he would probably sleep with her again. He was really downing himself, said that I deserve better, and that he is an a$$ for doing this to me. He decided to move out a while, in hopes that he will open his eyes. I think he is really trying. He is being open and honest with me. I know he is attracted to me and loves me. What can I do to help him over come these feelings for OW? HELP!!!!

I am sick reading your post....I'VE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES...all last year.<P>NO CONTACT...NO CONTACT...NO CONTACT...<P>NOTHING else is acceptable. Nothing else works...read about the "fog".<P>Read about the MB principles...NO CONTACT<P>D2k

I've tried to encourage that but it becomes an LB. I know it is difficult for him too, because when he walks out our front door she is there. And how do I convince him of trying NO-CONTACT when he still has feelings for her?

>>. I know he is attracted to me and loves me. What can I do to help him over come these feelings for OW? HELP!!!! >><P>The question here is, does he love you ENOUGH? Does he love you enough to care about hurting your feelings, or to care about what this is doing to you? <P>I got a similar response from my H many moons ago (Like Discovery2000, it's been a year for me, too) and when he said he still loved me, I said, 'Oh, Really?' I let him know that hurtful behavior is NOT a sign of love and I wasn't buying into it. This is not an LB--it's called radical honesty, and unless our spouses know how we feel on issues, how can there ever be any real progress??<P>The bare truth is that we do not hurt someone we love like this. We can think of it as their being in the fog, but I think that the "fog" is another way of saying "totally ingrossed with my own feelings and to hell with anyone else's right now." <P>Am I understanding you right when you said 'he walks out the door and she is there'? Is she truly right THERE, on the sidewalk in front of your house? Or, do you mean she is just THERE, period, as in alive and well and still hoping to snag your H? If she is really right outside your house, I'd go tell her to move on and to go find an unattached man of her own. If she is just 'there' and is actively pursuing a relationship w/your H, then don't fall for that "If I don't contact her first, then it's NO CONTACT" business. Baloney! He's big boy and no one is twisting his arm! <P>Guess what? When I started doing Plan A and combining it with honesty on my part (spoken gently, without disrespectful judgement to my H's feelings, but honest just the same)we started to really rebuild our relationship. It's been 5 months now since the start of Plan A, and we are doing very well. BUT...it all started with the two of us being truthful with each other, even though the truth sometimes hurt like crazy.<P>Talk to your H about this, M&J.It's good that he 'confessed' his feelings for the OW to you. It's better than you being in the dark, even though you feel devastated right now. He was honest with YOU, so now you should be truthful with HIM, and tell him how you feel, how his actions make you feel.<P> "You owe it to yourself and to your marriage to be as honest with him and you want him to be honest with you," and that is a good opening sentence to start your conversation on this topic with him.<P>Good luck and sending prayers your way,<BR>Winny<P><p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited August 13, 2001).]

OW does stand out on the street in front of our house, a lot. Thank GOD she works second shift! My H sometimes comes home early from work. His schedule works that way. And she'll approach him about something. <BR>I said to H after he told me about the kissing and etc., you know you're hurting me. He said "Iknow, but that is why I told you. You want me to tell the truth." He kept telling me "I love you" ,but I wouldn't respond, with the usual 'I love you ,too.' Instead I said, "I know you do." I felt as though he was looking for reassurance. I think he has been beating himself up with this secret for awhile. Am I going in the right direction?

BUMP

Oh Honey...My heart bleeds for you.<BR>It has been 8 mos since my "H" stopped "seeing" the OW. They did see each other once since then he was in Phone contact w/her regularly. Until i told him I wanted a man who would step up to the plate and protect me. <P>I asked him if I were in "grave danger" would he protect me stand up for me? He said "Ofcoarse I would!" Then I lowered the boom. I said "the next time OW calls you. Tell her to take a hike! Tell her you do not want her to contact you!" He did do this a few weeks later. That's a good thing. <P>You asked about telling him you love him? I have not heard those words in over a year! But I told myself...that as long as I knew "I Loved Him" I would always let him know that. I do say I love you...daily...I never hear it back from him. my heart breaks and longs for him to EXPRESS those sentiments. I have learned here that actions speak louder than words...his actions DO say he loves me.<P>I don't know what else to say to you...keep up the fine fight...We are all in this together.<P>D2k