My husband uses YAHOO messenger everyday at work. He tries to tell me that he uses it for work purposes (I don't believe him). His profiles state "no answer" under the marital status section. What do I do now? I don't like him using it at all. It looks to me anyway that he is chatting all day long at work. This concerns me not just from the obvious online infidelity issues but also from the he's not working and could get in big trouble issues. All of this really bothers me. I've told him so but he hasn't changed the profiles or his messenger use at work. How do I address this with him? <P>Bluebird<BR> <A HREF="http://www.bustedyouonline.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bustedyouonline.com</A>

Bluebird,<BR>Your husband's profile should bother you as it should bother him. Have you asked him why he filled out his profile as he did?<BR>There is nothing you can do to make him change it, but maybe you can express your concern over the way he filled things out without sounding angry or upset, so he can understand why you feel the way you do.<BR>Good luck.<BR>Debbie<P>------------------<BR>"I find the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it ---- but we must sail, not drift nor lie at anchor." Oliver Wendall Holmes

It should bother you. When my husband was involved in his internet affairs he did the same thing. Actually, one of his profiles said that he was single - he did not change it when we got engaged and then married. I did notice that he was updating other things on it, just not his marital status.<P>One thing you could do is to get your own yahoo account under a user name he does not know. Then start chatting with him as someone other then you. See where he takes it. Just don't tell him right off that it's you. Give it some time - days, weeks (if you can take it that long) and see what he's up to. <P>I did this with my H when I realized that he had not updated his profile. I im'ed him saying that I though he was a friend of mine. The we kept chatting. I asked if he was married he said no. Within a few minutes he was flirting with me. Not good. I was not able to contain myself as I got furios and confronted him immediately. (He was downstairs on he computer in his office, I was upstairs on my computer.) If I had kept quiet about it and kept the relationship up for a while I'm sure I would have found out more about what he was up to earlier. <P>I know that this may seem sneaky but you have the right to know what is going on in your life.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Zor! You just gave me one wicked idea! My wife chats ALL day while I am at work. I am tempted to install AOL on my computer at work and flirt with her, to see how she reacts. hahah<P><BR>NO! I am not going to do it, so don't all of you go getting worried. I already know about all her flirtatiousness online, and she hasn't changed, even though I've asked her to stop, so this wouldn't help anyway.<P>She used to have nothing under Marital Status on her AOL profile, too, but now it just says "married"

Godlyman,<P>You hit on exactly the point about snooping. There is no need to know every detail. The details can hurt very very much. When I did this I had no idea of what my H was up to. But I was starting to notice that he was online, in chat all the time. When I entered his office he was hiding chat windows and email from me. He told me that nothing was going on but I no longer believed him. That is why I did it. What I found out from the one time that I did this is that he was acting online in a way that I did not think was appropriate for a married man... especially my husband.<P>Within the month after I did this I was able to get far more detailed information on what was going on in a more direct fashion.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

I can definately understand this worry. The only reason that I am not a mumbling idiot over this is because the only computer use that my husband could possibly engage in is here at the house. He works in a building where classified material is handled, and if he were to look at innapropriate material on an unclass system, the system administrator would know quickly. Which is not to say that he couldn't read any e-mails sent to him by ladies that he already had contact with, but he probably doesn't. They could be read by others if they were opened. It would be his job if that happened.<P>I agree with the others about talking to him--again--and asking him why he choses not to be truthful about his marital status on his profile. And ask him if he would care to come to an agreement with you about this.<P>I guess some people justify on-line tomfoolery by thinking that it is not really "cheating" per say, it is just fantasy life. I know how absolutely addicting it can be, and harmful. You have the right to be unhappy about this situation.

Here's an update...I confronted him again about changing his profiles and deleting the screen names I know about. He said that I was right, he should change them. This was 2 days ago. He has not changed them but he has time to be on messenger every day.<P>I have tried to contact him via YAHOO messenger under an alias profile. He hasn't taken a bite yet.<P>I don't want to keep nagging him but this is really nagging me! Suggestion on where to go from here?<P>Bluebird <A HREF="http://www.bustedyouonline.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bustedyouonline.com</A> <P><BR>