Just checking in... I'm still in D.. Lots to discuss at a later time.. weekend deteriorated quickly... no sleep.. lots of stress.. So I LB'd.. heck everyone here did this weekend..<BR>I guess I'm going back to Houston tonight... I really don't want to... I mean I REALLY REALLY don't want to. Its getting harder and harder on me and I'm not really sure what the hell I'm doing. I'm in such a state of confusion and denial right now. <P>I really really really need your prayers again, that God keep me safe and that I don't do anything completely wrong. Those thoughts about planning the OM's demise are creeping back in and I found myself this morning planning something horrible mentally. I really need to remove myself from this somehow. Everything was going my way and all the sudden I lose it. I was almost to the point of going over there and doing something last night... My W had to sit in my lap and hold me down and talk me back into sanity.. <P>Now I sit here and wonder if I'm going to be stable mentally and competent to even hold these jobs when and IF I get them. <P>Please keep me safe. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

I replied on your other thread. <P>Traffic seems slow on here today.

H2Y...<P>A prayer just went out...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

you are in my prayers, There is nothing wrong with your thoughts they are normal under the circumstances it is the why you respond to these thoughts that can hurt you.<P>

H2U, WE all have weekends like that and weekdays too. Remember. The serenity Prayer. I am not a religious person (lapsed catholic), but I do think that if we all keep in mind that we can only change what is in our control and believe through those actions we will be OK, we will. I know that's simplistic, but I am becoming somewhat of a fatalist since all this began. You are what's most important, You have and are doing the right things. The love you have for your W may not always be appreciated by her right now, but keep hope that one day it will, and if that day never comes, there will be someone who does appreciate it. If you learn nothing else from all of this, please try and learn that. My thoughts are with you.

Faith..Cali..Jabbre..and Mark,<P>Thank you for praying.. I wrote the most disturbing letter to her ever... I have been in tears ALL day long from everything that has happened this weekend. I finally broke down and had to bury my head in a pillow today. I haven't given her the letter, but I told her I can't do this anymore. I told her she could have the boys. I told her in the letter that the OM won and he could have my LIFE, my BOYS and my WIFE. I told her I can't go another day thinking about her and him in bed with one another. I can't get those images out of my mind. They are there and burnt into my soul. Everyday that this goes on, just burns them deeper and deeper into the wounds that I already have. I'm stuck here in Dallas another day. I have no money to get home. I will visit the pawn shop tomorrow and give up one of the last prize possesions that I have. I'm pulling the HiFi stereo out of my last prize possession.. my sports car. The car is next to go... and then I will have N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Nothing buy me and my boys. I can't be there for them right now. I am not being a good father or caretaker in this condition. I will get enough gas money from the stereo to put gas in the car and drive the 300 miles home. To an house that is empty, filled with dirty dishes and clothes pilled to the ceiling. The refrigerator is bare and I can't honestly take care of the boys right now. <P>She got home from work and knew exactly what I was doing before I said anything to her.. She told me she was going to slap some sense into me if I didn't pull myself together. She told me that I can't leave the boys with her. She told me that I can't do that to them. Here not 24 hours later.. she wanted them.. and now.. she doesn't want me to walk away from them. All I guess I want right now is 48 hours with her, alone. I want it to only be hers and mine, time. Nothing else. I can't ever have any peace with her because of the situation, the distance, the kids, and the OM. <P>I know that if we had this time to spend together that I could win an ounce of dignity back for myself and some self worth. I feel like I am the lousiest piece of a$$ in the world. I need her validation that that is not true. I need to feel loved and wanted emotionally, physically and sexually. I don't want this for sexual fulfillment, but for the affection that I only get from her during SF. <P>I can't tolerate the hickies anymore. I can't tolerate his inferences to me that I am not worthy of her bed. I can not be told any longer that I can't have a wife that doesn't want to have sex with me. That is the only issue that surfaced over and over again this weekend. Its all about SEX. <P>I am tempted to destroy my sexual organs. I feel that they are the cause of all my pain. I am a man whether or not I have anything there and I want her to know that. If I'm not good enough for her.. I don't want to be SF ever again. I want affection. I am dying for it. I can't and won't run out and sleep with someone again.. just so I can have the affection that I need. That destroyed me last month when I did that. I really just want to roll over and someone shoot me in the back of the head. <P>My heart is split into two pieces, holding by a thread and I can't put it back together now. I am destroyed from head to toe. I want to die. I told her that my 14 year old can have the sports car. I told her that she can have the boys. To tell them that I love them. To tell them all that I am sorry.<P>I am so alone. What do I do now. I can't go on. I want to turn and run as far away where no one will find me and die in solsistic peace, under a nice tree somewhere in some flowered covered valley admist beautiful hills. <P>I told her to display my Casket Flag proudley, for everyone to see. So the boys would know that I had dignity and honor and love for my wife and them, and that I left this place as her husband in peace.<P>My life is gone. Everything I based my life on is lost.<P>Thank you for being my friends and praying for my soul. Thank you for the doves prayers and angels. You are good people.<P>Empty

<B>OMG.....H2Y.....don't you DARE give up.</B> You are a wonderful man with good intentions and you cannot get down on yourself in this way. Please, please, please don't let this ordeal defeat your spirit. Have your cry and pull yourself up by the boot straps and carry forward. This is life and YES, it isn't easy. Don't make it any harder on yourself. You are a survivor and will make it through another day even if it's one day at a time. Hang tough, soldier.....tomorrow is another day. You'll get through this come hell or high water <P>You are on the top of my prayer list. Keep the board updated on your disposition. Take care.....ya' hear?<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

H2U...<P>Please calm down. You are in the midst of a terribly difficult time. However, this time will pass...it is just a matter of getting thru it.<P>You talk about wanting to die. I believe what you mean is that you do not want to live your {current}life, i.e., the way it is <B>right now</B>. There IS a big difference, trust me...there was a time in my life when that little bit of difference is all that kept me here (that and the fact that I did not want to hurt my child). And, I got thru that awful, horrible time that I did not think I could live thru...and things got better.<P>Hang in there. Call a friend or a crisis hotline tonite...<BR>Have you talked to a doc abt antidepressants? <P>You are in my prayers...<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{H2U}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Kathi<BR>

I can't call a crisis line. I have been staying at my wifes house while the OM has been there. I don't know if I should even go back over there tonight. I don't have anywhere else to go to night.. again. In doing so good on Friday on that test.. and then to let her down over the last 3 days by finacially not being able to leave or take care of the boys and I is also really hard. Her sister and the OM are upset that my W is helping me out to much right now. I never made it to the pawn shop today to take care of the stereo/gas problem. Now I am afraid to go to her tonight with no cash for gas for me to go home AND no money to give back to her so she has gas to get to work.<P>I really want to just sleep right now and forget about everything.<P>Empty

H2U,<P>Where are you? Please respond. Who has ICQ that used to talk with him??????? Can you try to hail him? <P>Don't leave us like this. Your life and that of your family is worth more than this. What you W is doing it not worthy of your love and affection at this time. <P>You are a valuable person who needs his family and his family needs him. Please respond. <P>This board is waiting for your response. If you need to talk, let us know. <P>You have access to crisis hotlines. You are in the business of saving lives, don't give up on your own. Come on now focus...... hard as it is, we need you to focus. Vent and yell at us. .....<P>Please.....<BR>L.

Jeez h2y find a western union send the address to jbz999@hotmail.com and I will wire you the money for 300 miles of gas [what is your mileage ]..... and btw trooper, keep your eye on the mission, cut and run and I will have to shoot you in the back, know what I mean?<P>ps... and a motel 6 or something, it is 9pm here, but I can maybe do that tonight, or maybe over the phone with cc if you tell me which CHEAP motel you can find (sorry the sheraton is out).<p>[This message has been edited by sad_n_lonely (edited August 13, 2001).]

Orchid,<P>I am here.. I am afraid right now. I'm okay... You know me.. Just really stressed right now sweetie. I'm at a library right now. Its getting ready to close, so I won't be able to check back in until the morning.<P>Orchid.. I'm just so hurt and alone right now. I have to go in a few min.. okay..?<P>Empty

Hey, don't even consider hurting yourself in anyway.<P>I have felt the very way that you are feeling, right down to the idea of getting myself "spayed" because I had no use for my own sexuality and I couldn't ever fathom being with a man again. Numerous opportunities came up for me to have meaningless, "quick-fix" sex, but I could not and would not do it. I even had the opportunity for a peaceful, loving relationship with another man while my husband and I were separated (with no hope, at the time, of reuniting) but I would not engage in this either. I was emotionally crippled and empty, too. That is a horrible, void, black feeling.<P>I used to think about my husband in bed with another woman--see, I read my husband's ICQ log and I had a blow-by-blow account of what he and Miss Kitty did in bed together. She had pet names for his penis and she went on in mock indignation about the hickies on her boobs and how all of her skanky friends were jealous because she had landed such a handsome man--MY HUSBAND!<P>No, I didn't really sit around and ponder and obsess about this stuff--it was automatic, it was subconcious, it was on my mind all of the time. At work, at home, even in sleep. And yes, it did effect my job. I was scatterbrained, and when I wasn't, I was in a deep dark depression.<P>And like you, I entertained fantasies of beating the piss out of that evil woman. Not killing her, she aint worth going to jail over. And I aint exactly a Jerry Springer show guest contestant, either--I would like to think that I have some class and am a lady who does not engage in bar room brawls and cat fights. But to this day, I fantasize about catching them in bed together and busting her one, hard. Yanking some of her frizzy hair out and making her loose some teeth. And throwing her out on the street naked. I still catch myself thinking like this, to this day. I will be out running with not a whole else lot to think about, and I think about her and how much I hate her. Instead of giving more adrenaline energy, I have found, it drags me down and makes me feel weak.<P>And I realize that these thoughts are horrible, violent, terrible. And that's not me, or so I would think. I was talking about this to a friend the other day who was very kind--she told me that it would suprise you what dark evil thoughts can come to mind, (even to the minds of good people) when you are hurting, and you just have to pray them away before they consume you. You have to do this.<P>You are a good, intelligent man and you have a lot in life right now, your children and your career and your abilities. I know you feel like giving up now, but don't do this.<P>Really, these feelings will pass with time and the future will be bright for you--it's already looking brighter for me, and believe me, I was right where you are six months ago.<P>E-mail us if you want--no, please do. It would not even bother to call from Japan if you need someone to talk to, okley? mary579@hotmail.com<P>Mary

H2U, <P>What about your MIL's home? Can you go there? Forget about what others may say. Can you leave the boys with her and go to a man's shelter in the area? Will that give you some solice for the night?<P>Can you call your parents for some cash to tie you over? Let's explore your options. It is way to early to give up. You have made it this far and we are with you. <P>Do you need to talk to someone?<P>L.<BR>

SnL,<P>I can't do that to you. I'll be okay on the money until the morning. I really appreciate the offer though.<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

H2Y....you are sleep deprived and need to rest on your feelings. You are between a rock and a hard place but have to try to make the best of a bad situation. SLEEP, as well as you can and things may look less bleak in the morning.<P>Take care my friend and catch a few thousand ZZZZZZZ's.<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

Hi, <P>Anyone in the Dallas area? <P>Checking..... I am at work and will be leaving soon. I will check back after I get home.<P>Thanks,<BR>L.

Okay.. I'm am doing better ... just in knowing that you all are here is helping me. I promise that I am going to be okay. I appreciate the help and I'm not going to do anything drastic. I guess I have at boiling level all week. I will check back in in the morning. I really do have to go.. the library is closing. I have like 5 minutes left. <P>I'll check on the MIL's... will do that.<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

Please, please don't talk like this. It WILL get better. YOu have to believe this because it is so. You are not alone. Please hang in there. You are overwhelmed and rightfully so. But try to take one little thing at a time and know that it will be ok.

Hey, seriously, I am not much of a conversationalist (not one of my top 5 emotional needs, ha ha, I am a different woman) but really I am here if you would like to talk. My husband is here, too. He's a nice guy, kind of a knucklehead sometimes, but he is understanding. If you are hurting so bad that you can't stand it, we would keep you company. Don't be afraid to e-mail, my husband knows he can read anything in my account, so don't let the fact that I am a wife stop you from talking to us, OK? <P>mary579@hotmail.com<P>If you really need and can: 011-81-6117-22-8447, reverse the charges. Oh, yeah, ask for Joseph or Mary. (We have a little boy, yes, but he aint exactly Jesus, expecially at the video arcade.)<P><p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited August 13, 2001).]