Dear All,<BR>I need to vent tonight, I never have before and I do not normally have angry outbursts, but today I just feel very down. I had a really positive weekend despite the current situation (I'm BS and wife has moved out - we only meet when she decids, my suggestions normally do not get a response). Today at work however during the afternoon the whole thing (4 months worth) has started to get a bit much. <P>My BS rarely agrees to meet (was every 2 weeks, more often than not is now 4 weeks) and when I do send a text to her, I am rarely getting a reply. I realise and have admitted my mistakes in the marriage by not meeting her needs etc, and am working on both meeting these needs and improving myself. However what is really getting to me is the lack of response from her to my messages, or the infrequent times we meet up. I actually feel like I am being treated like a criminal, as I say realise my faults and am willing to work on these, but I honestly do not feel I should be treated the way I am being.<P>Does anyone else feel like this?, and if so how do you cope with it?<P>mands

What a great thread...my H is so angry most of the time that he treats me with very little respect or dignity. It's actually very difficult to Plan A with his behaviour but from what I've gathered from this forum, this is fairly "typical" of withdrawal.

I had some of those feelings, I stopped trying to contact her and I stopped waiting for her I went on with my life. You can not make amends or reconcile with someone who doesn't want it, I suggest you stop writing and meeting her, wait for her to initiate contact and then you can respond to her, let her wonder what you are thinking and doing if she contacts you good if not that can be good also it will cause you less grief in the long run. Take care of yourself<P>

You can vent here anytime. better here than to your W.<P>Yes, I think it is classic WS behavior - from everything I've read here and in the books. Sounds like my H. And Lupolady hasn't heard a WORD from her H in 13 weeks. <P>Just like the others have said though, you will only frustrate yourself trying to anaylyze it or expect to see immediate results. Yes, it hurts, and doesn't seem fair. But if you want your marriage to work out, you need to stick with Plan A for now. YOu may feel like you are doing all the giving. My H says he did all the giving for the past 2 years. i disagree, but that it his perspective, and he has a reason for feeling that way. I am doing everything I can to change the things he didn't like, and I'm willing to do ALL the giving and NO receiving for a while. I figure its' the least I can do, if I didn't give enough for 7 years. I wasn't a terrible wife. And I don't feel like a doormat, but I am trying to be reasonable and give everything I can to make things right. I don't want to be right - I want to be married. I may disagree with him about the past - but I'm trying to respect his viewpoint and learn about myself to see what CAUSES him to feel that way.

Hi'<P>I usually post on D/D but I read your post and thought I'd respond. <P>Faith1 has it all together here, but do not think it will be easy. I'm sitting here today cursing my H, but I have to Plan A around him. And yes, sometimes I feel like I'm the one who had the A and did all the bad stuff and lied through my teeth. But having been here a short time, I can see that it is how we are all made to feel by WS's, because it eases their guilt. We have to overlook that, and get on with the real work if we want our marriages and relationships to come together again, though there are no guarantees. At least we'll know we did our best.<P>Nina.

Dear All,<BR>Thanks for your replies, I guess realistically I thought that I couldn't be on my own feeling like this. I'm sure like alot of you there are few people that know our "situation", two to be precise, excluding ourselves - one other is Steve H, and I guess when you are feeling like I have been today you need to talk to people who understand, and I know everyone on here does.<P>I agree with everything that has been written, and believe me I am doing everything I can to Plan A, and stay on track (I've written a list of points I need to concentrate on and put it in the bathroom mirror - that way I'll see it every morning as I'm getting ready), however I guess like Faith1 has stated you feel like you are doing all the giving, AND not receiving anything back.<P>The big question I have pondered over since all this started to happen (WS having A and moving out), do you let them have the space they need - to sort things out etc, or do you remind them every so many days or weekly that you are still there and won't be forgotten. I've tried doing the former, but I think I have started to feel that if there is no reminder that I'm still here, she will forget, and then it will be even easier to walk away from the whole situation...<P>Thanks for your support<P>mands<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mands:<BR><B>the whole thing (4 months worth) has started to get a bit much. <P>when I do send a text to her, I am rarely getting a reply. <BR>Does anyone else feel like this?, and if so how do you cope with it?<P>mands</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OK, Mands, I was just getting ready to jump in, but Faith1 did it for me!! YES!! I know exactly how you feel....my WH has been gone for (almost) 13 weeks. It'll be 13 weeks (12 with NO CONTACT AT ALL) this coming Friday. HOW do I do it? Well, at first, I was incredibly sad, lonely, depressed, etc. I prayed a lot. I read my Bible. I didn't know what to do.<P>But the more I read on here, and the more I learned, the more I realized that others have done it with NO CONTACT and I could too! You have had some contact. Not much more than I, but SOME. At least if you call, your W will SOMETIMES agree to see you. I know my WH will NOT even do that. <P>Sooooo, what to do?? I write letters! Lor and Lostva taught me this. I write letters to him. I tell him all about stuff around here.....I don't know if he wants to know or not, BUT it's still his life (and mine!), so I do it. If the time comes that I actually get served w/div. papers, I might change my tune. But that hasn't happened yet, so I keep Plan A'ing, long distance (he lives 150 miles away) I KNOW Lostva did this for what? 10months? Something like that, and IT WORKED!!<P>The secret, Dear Mands, is EXPECT NOTHING. That is what you will likely get for a long time. NOTHING. They are in the fog. I prefer to tell people that my H has been "abducted by aliens." This sounds weird, but to most UNbelievers (of MB) it sounds a lot better than, "He's got a g/f and moved out and I never hear from him, but OUR M WILL BE RESTORED!" NO ONE believes that one!! (Except for those of us here, of course!!)<P>Jabber, I understand what you are saying, BUT the danger in total NON-contact from YOu is that it could be misunderstood as uncaring. This is what I got from my WH, in our ONE AND ONLY COMMUNICATION. He "thought" I "wouldn't care" if he wanted a d. He "thought" I "wouldn't be upset" that he left(?!?!?!?!?!) By writing, and keeping him up on things "at home" and by telling him all the things I know I did wrong, and how I am changing, and how I miss him, wish he knew how sorry I was for this mess, etc., I think he's starting to think about it. <P>I just keep laying down a solid Plan A "long distance." You can do this. Others have, I am trying. I can too!<P><BR>Good Luck and know we are praying for your success, too!<BR>Lupo<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mands:<BR><B>The big question I have pondered over since all this started to happen (WS having A and moving out), do you let them have the space they need - to sort things out etc, or do you remind them every so many days or weekly that you are still there and won't be forgotten. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Mands, I guess we were both posting at the same time....I saw this second post of your and I want to add something to what I wrote, based on something you asked here:<P>Yes, you DO have to "let them have their space..." BUT by the same token, you have to keep reminding them that you are THERE, so that they don't get "too comfortable" in their other world (I think). Having said that, let me add that TOO MUCH contact by you can be miscontrued as "smothering" or "not giving them breathing room." In other words, total LB'ing! Be careful of LB. Keep it light, keep it casual, keep it infrequent, maybe NOT even on a set schedule?<P>Lupo<BR>Hope this helps!

Lupo,<BR>Many thanks for your contributions. I should be grateful for the small contact I do have, and I'm sorry if I appear ungrateful, its just so hard after you've loved someone for all this time and then they go...<P>As you mention, I picked up from someone on here (forget who exactly) about writing cards / letters, and this I have done 2 / 3 times over the last couple of months. I've always been able to express myself in a card , I only hope she actually reads them - shes never mentions them at all.<P>I think you have summarised the dielemma I feel I face very well regarding how often to contact, I have probably upped it recently, but possibly need to back off a little for now.<P>Thanks again Lupo for your thoughts and ideas.<P>mands