There was a thread that started long ago but my friend (the only one that knows) just sent me an email telling me to let go, it's over, there's no hope, she sees my H as being dead when he's around me and my daughter. She thinks he's void of emotion and basically, he will never resurface with any love. She's probably right but I've politely told her that I intend to hold on for as long as I can. <P>What does everyone think?

Your friends, family and anybody else can tell you what THEY think you should do.....but are they you?<BR>No....you must do what you feel you should do.<P>I've told do many people over and over again that it is so easy for them to tell me what they would do.....but that they really don't know that they would be able to unless they were put in my position. <BR>Just politely tell them that you respect their opinion....but until they are faced with what you are faced with.....to not condem you for your feelings and to not treat you like you are doing something wrong.<P>They do not know HOW you feel and they do not know WHAT is going on with your WS....so to them....it's so easy to say you should do this or that.<P>Just simply tell it how it is....or just ignore the comment and go on your way.

I explined to my family and close friends that know, WHY i'm holding on. I explain that I am taking responsibility for my less than perfect contribution to the marriage. I am making positive changes in myself (which they can all see and congratulate me on), and that I am willing to wait for a reasonable amount of time for H to take responsibility. That I have 11 years invested into this relationship, and I can't give up on him after 13 weeks. I will have to let go eventually if he doesn't come around, and I am prepared to do so if I have to.<P>This all seems quite logical - how can friends and family argue with this - and shows strength. I think family and friends don't like to see us miserable, whiny, dependent, like we're "hanging on", afraid to let go. They don't want to see us hurt anymore. Show them your strenth and explain your plan to them

Thanks for your responses. It's the hardest thing to explain to people because no matter what they think you're "stupid", a "fool", a "doormat", "needy", etc. They don't believe there's a chance in hell he'll ever love you again. My mother strictly believes that once love is lost, it never comes back. She tells me weekly, "How can you stay with someone that has loved someone else and no longer loves you? Are you a fool? He'll never love you again!" That's when I retreat and say, I believe that he will. <P>Everytime I hear their words, it's just much harder to truly believe that recovery is possible.

I had to tell my Dad (he's very negative about everything - especially this - he doesn't even know about the A - I won't dare tell him). So you might try something like this: Please don't bury my marriage yet. It's not over yet. I know you love me and worry about me, but I am fine. I am doing what I think is best right now. please quit telling me to give up. I will let you know when I am ready to give up. I cannot quit right now. I have to give this my best shot, and forgive and love him. We all make mistakes. you may end up being right, Mom, but it's not hurting anything right now doing the things I am doing. Yes, it hurts, but if I gave up and divorced him, I would hurt just as much, plus regret giving up too soon.<P>Just an idea... <P>huggggssssss... I know this is hard. We're here for ya'.

Terrified,<BR>I agree with you, it does become difficult when people basically tell you "You should get on with your life now", but I know that I didn't enter this marriage as a short term commitment, or to bail out at the first sign of trouble, yes I am loyal, but at the end of the day I also love my wife.<P>Faith1's point of view is very logical, and I guess the other perspective is that we can all see on here the BS's who have been successful (if this is the right word) in going into recovery with their partners. Although very hard at times, I think we all need to focus on this as a goal that we all want to succeed at.<P>mands

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Terrified:<BR><B>It's the hardest thing to explain to people because no matter what they think you're "stupid", a "fool", a "doormat", "needy", etc. They don't believe there's a chance in hell he'll ever love you again. My mother strictly believes that once love is lost, it never comes back. She tells me weekly, "How can you stay with someone that has loved someone else and no longer loves you? Are you a fool? He'll never love you again</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>T,<BR>This is funny, cause this is EXACTLY what my StepSon said when I talked to him about his Dad! He (and his W)told me all this same stuff, plus, their take: "If my W (or H) did this TO ME, I would NEVER take them back!! That would be the end of it!!" <P>Now, 12 weeks later, after I've had the opportunity to explain to SS exactly what I am doing, what I take responsibility for in the breakdown of our M, how I feel it IS fixable, and I want to fix it; he sees, understands, and can't wait for me to tell H all about it!! Of course, he still doesn't understand the part about how it's all "Plan A" and it'll take time, etc.....<P>He wants me to tell his dad RIGHT NOW how it is, how I've changed, how it'll get fixed, to come home, etc. <P>BTW, he sees my H every week, twice a week since they now shoot pool together, so I figure it'll slip out little by little from SS to his dad in time! He's become my biggest ally.<P>Lupo<BR>

It's almost universal that friends or family say, "Throw the b**** out!!!!" These are probably well intentioned feelings, but come from those who haven't experienced an affair firsthand and/or don't realize that recovery is quite possible, if not likely. <P>Don't let them sway you.<P>WAT

I am glad to see this issue discussed. Does it seem to you that most (non-Marriage Builder) people don't understand the MB concepts? They can't see that in addition to trying to save the marriage, the BS is also trying to become a better person. The idea of loving forgiveness seems too hard for many people to grasp. They think only in terms of anger, resentment, and revenge. Maybe they don't understand the true dynamics of infidelity either. I am really impressed with everybody here and what they are trying to accomplish. <P>

Everyone is so willing to put their 2 cents in but until they are in this situation they have no idea what they would do. I use to think if I was ever in this situation that would be it I would never want my H back. Talk is cheap. People love to give advice when it pretains to someone else business. I know who my true friends are and I have a great family I could care less what anyone else thinks!!<BR>cybil

This is a commom theme from the ones that care about you and your feelings. They do not want to see you hurt any<BR>longer. The problem is that most of them have never been through it. My dad wants me to be done and get it over with b/c he is bitter from the same thing happening ot him 25 yrs ago. My mom hates to see me hurt and calls everyday. Her first cousin committed suicide after his wife left him for another man, mom is scared of that although she has no reason to be. Most all my friends who know think it's over too . The people that do not believe it's over are you all here, my brother and my counselor and ME. So as long as I think there is a chance I will hang on. What is 12 months in life to wait on something that you love? Like Faith 1, I too contirbuted to the problems we are having now and I want to be able to show her that I have and can correct those problems. <P>Just hang in there and don not let others get you down, stay in here and around positive people that want to see your amrriage work out.<P>GC

I have a little bit different twist. My MIL, who by the way is my biggest supporter, continues to tell me that I am making it too easy on her daughter. I give her $500/every two weeks, pay all the bills, make payments on her suburban, and still give her money when she can't make ends meet. My MIL said that her daughter has no reason to make up her mind because she gets the best of everything. My MIL even called me a sugar daddy It does appear that my effort is beginning to pay off, however. Only time will tell.<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited August 14, 2001).]

I know the feeling. My H had an affair with my ex best friend almost 6 years ago. At the time, they both lied and said it was EA only. It still tore our marriage apart and we were separated for 9 months. We went to counseling, started dating and finally got back together. Now that I just found out the truth, that it was very physical, I realize I took him back much too quickly. During all of this, many friends and family members also looked at it in black and white and said "you can do better. Why chase after somebody who doesn't love you.,etc." <P>It was very hurtful when one of our closest friends said "But you have to admit, her smile does light up a room." Like I EVER needed to hear that! I know people mean well, but they can never imagine what it really feels like.<P>I just found out a month ago the ugly truth. And even though it's years later, it feels like it just happened. I really hate all of their lies for so long. He lied to protect their butts and HER marriage. She made him promise to never tell so he took that promise more seriously than our vows. <P>I have told a few friends and my counselor. I have not told my sister. I don't think she could forgive him and I'm afraid she'd treat him differently. I am NOT ALLOWED to tell his family or the H of the OW, who is still my H's best friend. (don't even ask about that, makes no sense to me at all). The counselor said I can just pray that he will decide to tell them. What a mixed up mess.<P>I give you credit for hanging on. It's hard in the beginning, but it's definitely worth it. I always used to think if he cheated, I'd throw all of his stuff out in the driveway and change the locks. It's funny how different you look at things when it does happen. Good luck, I hope things work out for your marriage.

I know what you mean. It's hard enough to get through this without all the negative comments. "You can do better"...this coming from a 30 yr old bachelor who has never been in a relationship longer than 6 months. "I'd never settle for being 2nd best"...this coming from an older divorced lady who spent 5 years dating a married man!!!<P>And I've gone to my neighbors for advice becauses they have been through this years ago and now have a wonderful marriage. They both say "Throw him out on his [censored]..that's what he needs to wake up!" I have had some chats with my neighbor (WH) and have tried to explain MB principles and have also pointed out that he had many chances before he was thrown out...and now he understands where I am coming from.<P>I try not to be too judgemental or offended by these comments....these people just don't know what we are going through and hopefully they never will. Heck

It happened to my brother several years ago and my mom wished her dead. I told her that she can't help me unless she supported me in what I'm doing. So now she listens and prays, for him and me. My sister said she'll do whatever I want. If I want her to be nice to him, she'll be nice to him. If i want her to kill him, she'll kill him, whatever. The thing is, divorce would be even more painful than this; especially for the kids. <BR> BTW, Steve H said studies show that infidelity is more traumatic for the betrayed than rape or incest. So is this the worst hell we can imagine? Meanwhile, I'll keep my eyes on the prize.<BR>LMH<P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

This is a great topic! So many of us are dealing with outside interference as well as trying to save our marriages.<P>I have to admit, most of my friends have been great. Although they don't understand, they will support me with whatever I decide. It is usually the ones i'm not as close with who chime in with all the negativety. "It's better it happened now then years down w/kids". "You can do better". "He wasn't 'the one'". "Move on and start over". All sound familiar? It must come from the same script writer that provides the lines for the WS.<P>As for my family, my brother thinks he should be dead. My father doesn't talk about it (he doesn't talk about much), my sister told me that he totally struck out with her, and because of that I should find someone new. She and my mother have been looking for jobs for me and assuming that i'm going ahead with the divorce. They can't understand why i'm not angry at him and why i'd want to be with him. My H never had an A, he just couldn't handle being married (depression, stress, among others...). So in their eyes, he could never be with me because he would never be able to handle it.<P>His family wishes we were still together. They loved me, and told me that it was all his fault. He has the problem. As of now, they have resigned themselves to it being over, and that I should get on with my life. <P>So, my only support is from a few good friends and this BB. It has been a godsend.<P>Thanks,<BR>Kathy