Sorry, this is my first post after visiting the site for the last couple weeks and it may be long but I have to explain the situation for you. I have read alot of the info on this site and I am still kind of lost as to what I should be feeling. And I thought this would be the best place to start instead of a friend or family.<P>I have this gut feeling that my wife had an affair but I'm not sure she did because I can't prove it and there seemed to be circumstances that could explain alot of it.<P>My wife and I have been married 9 years and I believe it's been a pretty good nine years Only I have this overwhelming feeling that my wife had an affair with a guy at her work.<P>My wife and BOB first met years ago working at another company. He was her supervisor and he was dating a woman at the time. Nothing seemed amiss and she worked there about a year. <P>Over that time they became friends and every so often we would go play cards or hang with them and another couple that worked there so nothing ever bothered me about it (I recently found out that BOB had sex several times with the wife of the other couple while calling the husband one of his best friends). After quiting that job she bounced between a few others for a couple of years then got a job at a dry cleaners near us. During this time we occasionaly saw BOB but not much.<P>During that time BOB and his girlfriend broke upand he moved out. He needed a new job moving to a different area in town. My wife heard and helped him get hired where she works - no big deal, I've gotten friends jobs before and he had done dry cleaning before - so I wasn't worried. They worked together for about 6 - 8 months and during that time my wife fixed BOB up with a fellow employee whom she thought would be a good match for him. A short time later my wife quite the job to take another so they had worked together again and I never sensed any problems - no reason too that I saw - she fixed him up.<P>At the end of 1999 we decided to move and we needed more money. The dry cleaners had offered to hire her back at more money so she went back there. This is when things start getting a little wierd!<P>We moved just after my wife started back at the job where BOB supervises now. It seemed moving was difficult transition for us. We had always lived in the city and now we had a house in the country miles from work. It seemed to take us a while to get back into any kind of routine. <P>Shortly after we moved my wife started working more hours. She would work till 5 or 6 PM then come home and pretty much not do anything. Many of the boxes from moving hadn't been unpacked but she wanted to do it and the house was always trashed since the laundry and dishes, etc. were stacking up. I worked full time also so it made it difficult for me to take care of these things (that and being a man) but I tried.I just figured it was a rough move for her and she needed time to catch up and the longer hours were making it hard for her so I didn't think much ofit. Only after a few months did I start to say something about it. We did'nt seem to talk much anyway but now were starting to argue.<P>That wasn't the only thing affected either. My wife had been losing weight and so she started buying new clothes and dressing sexy.This wouldn't have been a big deal to me but we were having sex about a fourth of what we used too and it was driving me nuts. She also said she "wanted to have some fun and party and make friends this summer". We hadn't done much with people for a while and she missed it -I guess I can understand that.<P>Now my wife had been back at this job for about 6 months again but this time seemed different. Pretty much every night she would come home and talk about work for an hour or two. She always seemed to talk about BOB or something that involved BOB. I mean daily it was this same thing for a couple of months. After a while I'm like what's the deal with you talking about him so much because frankly it was getting old. We weren't getting along as well as usual and they talked about everything and got along better. I just didn't think much about it because his girlfriend works there too inn the office so how could something happen? She said they knew each other for years and were just friends and they talked alot.<P>They were talking about his sex life and relationships and he told her about this girl crissy that also worked there that he had slept with several times but it was over. My wife was probably telling him stuff too but when I asked what she said about me she said all she says is good stuff and she sets me on a pedastal to people there.<P>I didn't feel right hearing about them getting along so well.<P>I also kept asking why she got three or four raises form BOB in that six months because it seemed kind of excessive - she said its because she worked so hard and so much overtime. - That's probably nothing because she was but I can see that fovoritism thing helping too.<P>Back to crissy. She worked there before my wife came back and they never really got along good right off. After a while my wife started making comments to me off and on about it. How crissy was rude and got pissed easy. After a while my wife started pushing her boss and BOB's girlfriend to work part of the week in the office. Things had slowed down and now my wife was getting out early some days along with most of the rest of the company including BOB. I was working a couple of hours later than her many days.<P>Then it really hit the fan. BOB helped her get part time in the office and she was going to start in a couple of weeks then the same girl started calling her names out loud and shoving into her going by instead of just being rude. <P>Then one day my wife calls and says she's leaving early she got into a fight and beat the girl up! I go down to her work and they fired the other girl and then she gets hauled off in the ambulance? I'm not sure but my wife hit her in the head with a big stapler and split it. Who should of got fired? And she beat the girl up because she called her a bit**? I guess I can buy that but it also sound sort of like two jealous guys finally having it out to me but I could be wrong. I have a jealous streak like alot of guys so I'm just guessing women can too.<P>About this time I started getting bad feelings.<P>Well things mellow at her work after the insident and she works part time in the office then as it gets busy she ends up back at her old position. Then she starts doing little things. First she goes to the Indy Motor Speddway to do pickups with him and another guy. She takes his 4-wheel drive up to her brother to be fixed on her day off. When his trucks broke down she gives him some rides home. We decided when we first moved no one would hunt our land cause were animal lovers then she just lets him. Then we started buying a bunch of his stuff. She brings home a gun cabinet (I didn't have a gun) then we buy his gun (I guess to go in the cabinet!). Next we buy his 4-wheel drive then a 3 wheeler. Then when his new truck breaks she loans the one we bought to him for 2 months. It kind of bothered me but I didn't really say much and I'm not sure why.I guess she was just being nice but it seemed wierd to me at the same time. The gut feeling has started and won't go away but I don't say anything.<P>Then I realize BOB and his girlfriend don't ride together and she starts later and leaves later than BOB and my wife. Then BOBs girlfriend goes to her moms after work each night to get her kids and talk. Theres alot of time she isn't their with BOB and my wife or with bob till hours after work. Then I hear that she isn't getting along with my wife. I ask my wife about it and she says she doesn't like my wife talking to BOB too much. She says his girlfriend is just jealous becasue shes insecure and my wife is better looking. Then she starts having trouble with more people in there not getting along with her. At one point shes about to quite when a few months before nearly everyone in there loved her. I could see them being jealous thogh since she is friends with the boss.<P>Now things seem to be alright around the millineum. she gets along ok in there but she doesn't get along as well with Bob now. there still friends but they don't talk or interact as much. <P>Now its May in this year and I still have this feeling and after months I can't shake it. I don't have anything that points to something happening except circumstantial but it really bugs me. Nothing has been the same since we moved. Maybe that's it? I just can't shake the feeling so I am up late one night and decide to look through her purse since I never do and see what kind of stuff she has in ther. Not much except a calander book from last year so I look through it. I notice some dates. date in FEB that has initials S.H.A.W.B<BR>date in march that has initials S.S.W.B<BR>date in october that has initials E.I.W.B<P>She rights out everything else in every date in the book except those 3 things and the only other difference- she would use an X to mark days we were intement for years. this year has several dates throught months that have : XX<BR>several have the two XX with a "w" underneath.<BR> (w)<P>she always just used one x.<P>I wasn't 100% sure what they meant but the initials seemed to fit with something pretty easy so I asked her about it. At first she's pissed because I looked in her purse then she can't remember what they mean. The initials or the xx's. I argue with her for a little about it then let it go because it's late. <P>The next day is monday and she gets ready for work. I ask her to see the calander book again and she says she threw it in the trash! I'm like why? she says she was mad she never threw it out and I had gotten mad about it the day before. Well I wanted to look at it again and she said its torn up in the trash. Well I go out cause I'm mad now and I dump the cans put on gloves and pick through every piece of trash we have! No torn up pieces of calander?<P>well I'm wondering what is up with that, then I look in this years calander and kind of a surpise. She had only copied many important dates and other less important half way through the new calander. Then a week later it's completed! she even rembered all three dogs birth dates, friends at work and when we got other animals and when they died. Then all of her family and friends birthdates and anniversaries. I asked her how she finished it and she said with other calanders and by memory. What other calanders? When I found the initials origionally I asked her whay she still had the old calander and she said it was the only calander she had with all of her dates and she had to keep it till she copied them to the new one? I'm confused now.<P>I then accuse her of hiding something and she gets real mad and says how can't i trust her and i don't love her if i think that. well we argue somemore and she starts to laugh and say it's a big joke and rediculous. Then I get real mad and say I don't think its rediculous and maybe I'll prove it. Then she starts crying and saying nothing happened and don't leave her or anything she wouldnt do that. I felt bad. Now the last month or too if I try to discuss it she gets mad and says she cant take much more of being accused of nothing. I say I can't help my gut feeling and she says I can and I need to get over it.<P>Is this just crazy or what. Is this bothering me more than it should since it can all be pretty much explained? Then why do I still get the feeling and how do I get rid of it. <P>maybe it was moving and the changes and we need some advice on how to get on track?<P>Hope this wasn't to much and too confusing but this is affecting me emotionally and I had to spout!<P>Tlamallory<P><BR>

t - it's definitely possible she's having or had an affair with BOB. I wasn't so sure until you got to the part about the calendar and her defensive reaction to your questions.<P>But we can't be positive. <P>The safe assumption for you should be to assume your worst fears. Your actions based on this assumption will not be provocative if you can keep control of your emotions. Yep, this is hard to do, but it's important to try to not follow your first instinct and get angry and lash out at her.<P>If you've visited this site for a couple of weeks, maybe you've read about Plan A. Have you? <P>This is very simply a process for you to examine your behavior in the marriage to look for things you were doing that were detrimental to the relationship - then reversing them. At the same time you should look for things you weren't doing that you should have been to meet your wife's emotional needs. Then start doing them if she lets you. Finally, you should stop doing things that are disrespectful or may represent disrespectful judgements or come out as angry outbursts - lovebusters.<P>None of this means you are responsible for the affair - if it is happening. It simply is a recognition that you may have contributed to the environment that made the territiory ripe for an affair to occur. It also doesn't mean your wife didn't have a contribution to relationship problems. But between the two of you, there must have been needs going unmet for an affair to happen.<P>So, what to do? Implement Plan A without asking her a lot of additional questions. Kiss her butt. Show her what a great guy you are and why she married you in the first place. This will get her attention regardless of whether she's having an affair or not and can't hurt anything.<P>DO ask her what you've been doing that she doesn't like or what she'd like you to do. Try to implement even the smallest things and fix the most insignificant complaints. Kiss her butt.<P>Get a copy of "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" - they're both available in the bookstore section of this site. Do the questionaires in HN/HN. Just put some obvious effort into your relationship that she will notice, and let her notice without pointing it out to her.<P>Did I say to kiss her butt, too?<P>The whole point of this is to remove all her reasons for having an affair - if she's having one. If she isn't, it'll be insurance to prevent one.<P>OK?<P>WAT

Ive read about plan a and i do know some of the things I was doing to cause us problems and if she hasn't had an affair i have no problem kissing her butt then on the other hand if she did it just seems too much like giving her some sort of reward or something! She'll just see it as her getting even more in return for an affair - get me into kissing her butt and treating her special - then if things get a little rough again what will she have to look back on for past experience? They still work together though and I don't want to send her running to him.<P>I'm a hot head anyway so I have been having this problem keeping from having little outbursts at her i dont know how long I could keep it up while I'm still wondering if it even happened. It sounds so easy when you read it but....<P>

Find a marriage counselor immediately....<P>If you think she'll balk....say YOU want to go or need to go...Don't let on to the possible affair...let her think you've got a problem & you need her to go as support etc. If she has had an affair she will try & hide it. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you. She is probably ashamed & feeling guilty. You've got a long way to go...get help..even if there has been no affair you need help to build a stronger marriage so it never happens GOOD LUCK

Aaaah but tlamallory - keep reading <P>Plan A is good for YOU, not just her. I know, it feels like you are rewarding her for bad behavior...but then again, are you her parent or her boss...or are you her husband? It's not your job to hand out punishments or withold rewards! <P>Do you want to be married? Plan A will give you the best shot possible at saving your marriage. And if it doesn't succeed...you still have to live with you. In Plan A, you'll be able to walk away from your marriage knowing that you did everything possible. And you'll like yourself far better. <BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

yes I want to be married to her, but it is going to take alot of work on my part to get over the feelings I'm having. Whether it has happened or not I don't know for sure but if she did i don't think she will ever tell and she continues to work at the same place as him so them being together regularly is going to make it harder for me. <P>I don't feel I can justify to her asking her to quit her job - what reasons would I give? She will say they were just good friends and it's rediculous for her to have to quit over my being jealous. <P>The only consolation I may have is that very recently Bob got married. But I don't think it's much - I know of at least two women he was involved with for long periods while his wife and he were just living together the past few years (my wife beat up the last one - see first post). <BR>I doubt getting the license will change him much. <P>I also had to go to his wedding with my wife and that was kind of interesting too! I kinda wish I hadn't went after the fact.<P>

I don't know if it's a good idea but I saw the post earlier by -A Good Man- and I decided to try taping my wifes phone conversations. I know if shes finds out she'll go bonkers but I have to try something. I'm going nuts because I just don't know what might or might not of happened.<P>I decided to do this now for a couple of reasons. were going out of town for a night to get away since we haven't seemed to be getting along well at all lately (it's been eating at me and it shows in my attitude sometimes)and I hope things go good but at the same time it's a givin she'll call her mom when we get back and talk to her about how it went and theyll discuss the whole ordeal - maybe something will get said?<P>second reason is she'll almost surely call suspected om to "see how work went" while she was gone as she usually does. good chance of something here. Last time he was on vac. a few days she called him the day he got back. She told me she was going to give him a call while I was taking a break from yard work so I went out and acted like I went back outside to finish pulling weeds. <P>I listened in through an open kitchen window (feel a little guilty)she was standing about 10 feet from. She talked about work in her normal voice for a few minutes and I could here it plain as day then she starts whispering stuff (I'm not even around as far as she knows i'm outside working so what does she have to whisper for?). I couldn't make any of it out so I got anxious and went inside and she says "well I got to let you go, see you at work tommorrow" and hangs up <P>Maybe this time I'll here what she's whispering about!<P>My only worry is i'm getting nerve racked about the whole thing and i'm going overboard on this, but it doesn't feel that way to me. Am I going too far with this? I'm afraid if i don't do something soon i'll lose it. <P>I've tried to start implementing plan A but it's gone bad right from the start. I'm not a mellow person by nature. As a kid I was put on medication just to keep me calm from day to day i had a tendency to go off about things. I have'nt been on them or felt that way since years before we got married but when I start thinking that she might of lied right to my face I start feeling that way again. Thats why I hope I'm not going to far with this.<P>it may sound dumb but if i could feel sure she was honest about the whole thing i would surely be relieved but on the other hand after the pain i think i would still be sort of relieved even if something did happen - it least it would be in the open and we could start to to talk about it and decide what we wnat to do together instaed of me just being in limbo. is that understandable?<P><BR>Thanks To all.<BR>tla