Hi Everyone - I discovered my wife's two ongoing affairs at the beginning of February, and have been trying plan A since then from the SAA book. She continues as if we had an "open marriage", just staying together to raise our 3 kids. Began phone sessions on my own with Steve early in July, but my wife did speak with him once. <P>I'm supposed to stay in plan A as long as possible and focus on the kids. It's going fine from my perspective, avoiding LBs and focusing on the kids. My wife has acknowledged some improvements in my behavior, but she won't let me meet her important ENs except one; she does have financial security with me. Also I work at home, so she has a lot of freedom during the day even though we have young kids.<P>I'm running out of gas to continue plan A, and from one view I've met many of the criteria for moving to plan B. But on the other hand, all I've really done is to show that it's safe to stay with me while she continues playing the field. I can't risk plan B without giving her some reasons to actually want me. I sat down this afternoon and listed some ideas for a plan B, what a recovery would look like for us, and so forth. This thought process made me realize that no, I'm not really done with plan A yet.<P>This boils down to showing that I have sexual interest in her, without causing an LB. Should be simple, but it's not. Right after I discovered the affairs, my wife said we would never have sex again. She sleeps downstairs in the family room on the couch, and she's rebuffed my plea to move back into our bedroom, at least for appearances sake in front of our kids. We've had problems in the bedroom throughout our 14-year marriage, but the very best period (and a good period, IMO) was from Spring 1999 through Spring 2000. At that point, it was my fault letting some other issues interfere. I think she actually strayed in July or August 2000 although I can't prove it.<P>I realize these efforts will not bear fruit and will probably not receive any positive acknowledgement from her. It's just laying the foundation. Knowing there will be rejection, and everything else that goes on, makes it harder. But this is the next crucial step I need to get any farther in plan A.<P>So, I could really use some ideas for "soft approaches" that won't LB.<P>Thanks,<P>Tom

What are her other top EN's? Affection, conversation, Family commitment, and honesty/openness? Those are the most common for women. SOunds like you are filling family commitment (plus you said financial)... how about the others? I guess one of my points here is, is SF one her top EN's? I know it's probably yours, but plan A is about meeting her needs without expectation of her meeting yours.<P>So, if SF is one of hers, I know that most women need the other needs before sex can happen. So, that's another reason I was asking about how you are doing on the other needs. THere's a book witha funny title - can't think of it exactly - but something like the way to turn on your W on is to clean the kitchen.<P>Basically, show affection, tenderness, sensitivity, etc. Or, have you flat out asked her - honey, we're married, and I'm here for you. What do you think? I wanna ..... (can you say a few things here? wink wink)<P>I don't know. I hope you get some other opinions here. Just thought I'll throw my thoughts in - perhaps only worth about 1/2 a cent.

Thanks for answering, Faith1. Yes, SF is one of her top ENs, along with affection and admiration. She will let me hug her, but no kissing. I don't expect "success" but I want to show her an effort. <P>SF has been less important to me than to her. In these circumstances, it's even tougher to feel self-confident or interested. I have to find some ways to get these feelings going again.<P>- Tom