Well, i've been plan Aing for a little over a year now. A couple of months ago, H said he wanted to move back home- missed me and the kids, wanted to come home to the kids every day- not have to make arrangements to see them. He told me he loves me for the first time in probably a year. Then, he told me he loved me every day. Wanted to end his A. He actually tried to end it, not successful it seems.<P>Anyway, H called tonight to say it just wasn't working between us, time to sit down and work out the D details. I happen to know that he saw her today for the first time since he tried to end it with her a couple of weeks ago. <BR>He hasn't mentioned a divorce in about 6 months.<P>He said that he has been depressed and confused and it was because of me. When he first started talking about moving back home and was reading some of these threads that I printed out a long time ago, I admit- I got overly excited and pressured him. He seemed eager to discuss all of this stuff, and at the time seemed to agree with most of what he was reading. but, he told me tonight that I made him feel like he was a worthless human being and everything he did was bad and it was his fault that everyone was unhappy. He said it was like a light switch that just came on and he realized that this is just like the old me and one of the reasons that he wanted out in the first place. My way is the only way.<P>We talked for about an hour. I told him that I was not comfortable making any drastic changes right now, because this was a total turn around for him. He said that was fine. I apologized for pressuring him- told him I just got excited and over anxious, and I would back off. told him that I have been feeling like I've been in a pressure cooker myself.<P>For some reason, I do feel more at ease. He's not ready to end it with her because of his guilt about her and I did over-do it. So, a stellar Plan A is needed before Plan B and based on our discussion tonight, I wasn't doing such a good job lately.<P>So, Plan A again: (do more of what worked)<BR>I will not mention OW, will not ask probing questions<BR>Will involve him with the kids as much as possible<BR>Meet ENs that I can- especially admiration<BR>Always dress nicely and wear lipstick, flirt a little<BR>Be a little mysterious, miss a few of his phone calls <BR>Try not to let him see me cry too often (this is a hard one-if he doesn't see any of it at all, he thinks I don't care, but if he sees too much, he feels guilty)<BR>DO NOT EDUCATE!!!!!!<P>After our conversation tonight, he wanted to know if I still wanted to have lunch with him at work one day this week (I said I'd love to)<BR>He asked if he could bring a car here to work on this week- this after saying he was going to concentrate on making his life at his house (the same house that last week just didn't feel like home, he was miserable in it, he sleeps in a sleeping bag on the floor in the den because he doesn't have a couch in the den and doesn't have a TV in the bedroom and can't sleep without a TV)<P>So, it's very disappointing, but now I know more about what is a LB to him. I can Plan A a little longer and hope the OW LBs alot! She was awarded alimony for a year, so I don't think them moving in together will happen. She has 2 girls- 17 and 7 or 8. He has 2 kids living with him (my step-kids)- 16 daughter and 19 son. I don't think she will be willing or able to give up her alimony and I don't think either of them is anxious to blend these kids. She really wants him to divorce cux it's adultery if he doesn't (ha ha), but hopefully I can hold that off a while and maybe she won't like it! <P>Sorry this is so long. Any suggestions?<BR>

GOOD ANSWER you've got it all figured out.<BR><So, Plan A again: (do more of what worked)<BR>I will not mention OW, will not ask probing questions<BR>Will involve him with the kids as much as possible<BR>Meet ENs that I can- especially admiration<BR>Always dress nicely and wear lipstick, flirt a little<BR>Be a little mysterious, miss a few of his phone calls <BR>Try not to let him see me cry too often (this is a hard one-if he doesn't see any of it at all, he thinks I don't care, but if he sees too much, he feels guilty)<BR>DO NOT EDUCATE!!!!!!><BR>I like it. That is what I need to do.All I have to say is hang in there and hold off as long as you can on the D. Good Luck...<BR>ONE question how do meet the EN-admiration? I need some help on that one.<P><p>[This message has been edited by M&J (edited August 14, 2001).]

Sounds like a good Plan, especially recognizing that you want to re-establish a good Plan A trend right up to Plan B to create the biggest void when you stop Plan A.<P>His actions seem directly related to the recent contact. Did he send a no contact letter a couple months ago?<P>WAT

He never did send a no contact letter- never got that far.<P>As of yesterday, he was ready to file. Told me I had brainwashed him into believing something that deep down he really didn't.<P>I talked to him tonight- told him that I did get too wrapped up in his stuff and pressured him and I apologized. Told him that this was a complete turnaround, asked him to slow down a little. Told him that it had only been a couple of weeks since he had told the kids he was moving back in. Told him that I need time to adjust to this, didn't want to react out of anger. Told him that I had committed myself to helping my stepdaughter plan her wedding and make her wedding dress and 2 bridesmaids dresses, and I need to do that. Asked him not to do anything until after her wedding (Sept 29). He agreed. I also asked him not to have our 2 youngest kids around her until/ unless we were divorced. He agreed, as long as I don't drag it out too long. But, said that the 2 kids (my step kids) that are living with him will be around OW. I calmly told him that I don't agree with that, but he's going to do it anyway.<P>My family is 4 hours away, and I have wanted to move there for a long time. He's now afraid that I will move and take the kids away from him, so for today at least, he's not pushing for the D. If we end up not together, my moving is a very real possibility.<P>So, anyway, good conversation tonight. He was blaming all of his depression and stuff on me last night- he still looks terrible. Hopefully, if I can just buy a little time and re-establish my Plan A, we might have a chance. He kissed me goodbye when I left.<P>Other suggestions?

i noticed that you live in a fault state. On what grounds is he going to file for divorce? Of course this works in your favor since he doesn't have grounds but you do. Hopefully you can continue your Plan A and he'll comes to his senses.<P>

Oops- sorry M&J- forgot the admiration ideas. It's really hard to admire them when they're acting so ......... (fill in bad word here)<P>Some things that have worked for me:<BR>First, I tried to figure out what he likes about himself and what he's insecure about-<BR>so, for my H, he feels guilty about the kids- so I compliment everything he does that is positive regarding the kids. Nothing phoney, just trying to identify the good stuff he does do.<BR>Also, he really likes to talk about his work, so I encourage that, ask a lot of questions, and make a lot of comments about how valuable his knowledge must be to the company.<BR>He can fix anything, so I ask and he does, and I thank him profusely and gush about his handyman qualities a little.<BR>He's really a very sweet and compassionate man, I compliment those qualities whenever I see them.<P>Anybody have any other ideas?<BR>

KalGrl-<BR>It's a no fault state. No reason needed.

Did you check out divorcenet.com? They have a state by state breakdown and Alabama is shown as a fault state with 12 different grounds listed. <p>[This message has been edited by KalGrl (edited August 15, 2001).]