Hi GodlyMan<P>Thank you so much for answering me. Yes, you should listen more to your wife, but this time I really needed real advice! So this time, thanx for being an engineer!!<P>Yes, we are in South Africa. When me and H talked about it, he said he don't care where we are going to, so US would be fine. He's a Mechanical Engineer. He's doing CAD Designing and I know he uses (among others) Pro Engineer. He's a very hard worker and excellent in what he does. (But I guess that coming from his loving W doesn't say much!) <P>I asked him to give his CV to me so that I can start looking for a job for him. Two weeks ago he told me he updated it, but he hasn't given it to me yet. Saturday he told me that if he had the money, he would have been gone from his work a month ago (his A is with a woman working with him). It seems like he wants to get away from her, but don't know how, or doesn't have the energy to do something about it.<P>I would really appreciate any help we can get to get out of here!!! I just want to take my H and leave!!<P>I think our biggest problem is getting in touch with companies there (wherever "there" may be). Apparently H must first find a job and then the employer must apply for H for a working visum. I saw a lot of job opportunities for engineers overseas, but it would take a while for us to get everything ready and finally get there. I don't know whether companies will be able to wait that long for somebody to start working there. I don't care what I do there, just as long as we can get away from here. We would like to go overseas for 1 or 2 years. <P>I would really appreciate it if you can help me in whatever way. I know I don't give you much to work with. Maybe if you have any other specific questions I can answer them. I'm not so up to date with all those Engineer stuff.<P>Thank you so very much! You just responding to my "cry" already means so much to me. Thanx a lot! Now your name 'GodlyMan' is starting to get meaning to me.<P>God bless.<P>ivory

*smiles triumphantly*<P>Ivory, I am almost blushing at your praise. I assure you, though, it is really no big deal, it is the least any of us can do to help each other through all of this. I can definitely understand how it would be difficult for reconciliation with the OW working with your WH.<P>I am also a Mechanical Engineer, and I use Pro/Engineer as well as Unigraphics. Pro/Engineer is one of the most popular solid modeling programs used in the US, and I honestly think your husband would have VERY little trouble landing a job as a Design Engineer or at least a Design Drafter to being with (using Pro/E).<P>The best place to start looking is <A HREF="http://www.pejn.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.pejn.com/</A> the Pro/Engineer Job Network. There are hundreds of listings, mostly looking for Mechanical Engineers with Pro/E experience. Some of them might even help you guys relocate to the US, but don't ask for that. Be willing to do whatever it takes as far as becoming eligible for the job - work visas and such.<P>If you want to talk more about the job possibilities, email me at Aragorn747@aol.com and I would be glad to help! <P>New opportunities await you two! The fact that he is willing to leave it all behind, to start anew, is an awesome, awesome thing!

Hi GB<P>Thank you soooo much for the info! I sure think this will help! I looked at the site and got a few things that look very interesting! I made some print outs and tonight I will take it to my H and try and get his CV out of him.<P>It's just a pity that I told him on Saturday that I won't ask his CV. He can give it to me when he's ready. See, I don't want to push him into anything. But at the same time it worries me that he doesn't give it to me. Surely he wants to get away from here. He told me so and updated his CV. He is quite busy at work now. You're an engineer!! You shoul know!! Could it be that he is just so busy thinking about work that he's not thinking about giving it to me or doesn't he really want to get away? I think it's a bit of both.<P>Please pray for me tonight? We don't talk about the issue AT ALL so I don't really know what is going on and to what extend she is still in the picture. I think I'm just going to tell him my fears and to please give me his CV so that I can get the ball on the role. <P>Please pray that he won't just "close" again! Now he's actually talking to me about nonsense and he's making jokes with me again. I don't want to loose that!<P>Please pray?<P>Thank you. I'll be in touch with you. You meant a lot to me just now. Thank you. <P>ivory

I promise you that I will pray. <P>I will say that when work gets hectic, and deadlines loom closer and closer, that I can get pre-occupied. But it may also partly be that he is nervous about leaving. For whatever reason, be it as simple as going to a new job. Or maybe he is hesitant about completely shutting the door on the OW. You are doing right by not pushing him, but do ask him for his CV (I am guessing that is his resume) and pursue as many options as you can. But if he has updated it, then he must obviously be interested in a change.<P>You know, Pleco mentioned Australia in the other post. I have family there, and the economy is indeed growing. Unlike most countries. The economy here in the US is growing, but much more slowly than it has been. I still think it would be very easy for him to get a well-paying job here with his experience. <P>It feels good not to talk about "it" all the time. It makes it easier to be lighthearted and loving. But a talk every week or two is a good thing, just to keep each other up to date on what their feelings are about the affair and how the relationship is going. Ideally, this should happen in counseling, but even laying in bed, holding each other's hand, you can make progress. But the fact that he is joking and happy with you is a good thing. Don't change much, or you might lose it!

Good morning!<P>I hope you had a good night! I hope you gave another "baby step". We didn't. He was very depressed last night. When I went to his flat (he moved out 21 March) he didn't seem too happy to let me come in. He was just very down. So I drank coffee and showed him print outs of the nice jobs that I found on your site. He looked at it and after a while he took his certificates out. I though he was going to give it to me and my heart just went nuts!!<P>But then he put it on the table and said nothing about that. He even went more into his shell and most of the night he just sat there, staring. So I just held him. I told him I wish I knew what to say to make things better for him, but I don't know what. I just pray that the Good Lord will keep him save. He said nothing.<P>I don't know how to talk to him about "it" and I don't think I should. I don't want to loose the little we have. I don't have a clue what's going on in his head. He doesn't talk about it AT ALL. Saturdaynight we watched a movie about a guy who's all alone. I just broke down and cry. Me and H went away (for the first time). I went out of the house to walk on the beach. He came along. I told him how much I missed him just being there for me. I told him how much I want to talk to him but I don't want to hurt him or make him feel guilty. He held me but said nothing. The only thing he did say is that if he had the money he would have been gone from work a month ago.<P>So last night, since he was so down, I didn't ask for his CV (yes, resume). I decided that I will wait till Monday. I'm just so afraid that he think I don't respect him if I ask him for it. Actually, I think I'm just plain too scared to ask. Scared that he will say no, he changed his mind.<P>Ag, it just brakes my heart to see my dear H so broken and I don't have a clue how I can help him. He probably misses her. I don't know. It's just terrible to think that they are together now at work and I can't do a thing about it! <P>Thanx for listening, GodlyMan. I really appreciate your help and input. You Engineers are a total different species from the rest of us. You are special people. I have a very soft spot for you guys! (Smile and let your teeeeeeth show! They say it's good for you!)<P>I know things will get better for us. ("us" meaning me and you) I truely believe that the Good Lord won't let us down, and we depend on Him!<P>Thanx for praying last night. I'm sure it helped!<P>Have a nice day!<P>ivory

It is very obvious that your husband is willing to make this move. He did take out his CV's and he meant for you to take them. If this is what you want, do not hesitate to encourage him kindly about it. Like he said, he would have done it a month ago if your financial situation was right. So although he might be nervous about it, pursue it!<P>I know how you feel though, when they are sad and they miss the OP, yet how do you comfort them? I don't give a rats @## about the OM. So I just hold my wife and tell her it is going to be ok. That's all we can do, ivory. Hold them. Be there for them. When they lean on us for support, treasure that moment. I think you did wonderfully. You told him how felt (that you miss him being there) and didn't push him. I think he still loves you, very much, but just give it time and he'll realize how much he does.

I did it!!! (but hasn't got it yet)<P>Yesterday I wrote him a letter, saying how I am sad to see him in such a depression here and how I would like to get him out of this terrible situation. I told him how I know his afraid of the future and the unknown of a new job, but that I believe us getting away from here would give us both a new life to plan and look forward to. In the letter I asked him to please give me his resume so that I can start to get him a new job and get us out of here. I told him that I would come and pick it up last night.<P>Last night when I got to his flat, he was very mad. Slamming door mad. I asked what was wrong and he told me to just leave it. We sat quiet in front of the TV for a while and then I told him: We've always respected each other, please respect me now enough to tell me what is wrong and what I can do to help him. I asked him whether it bothers him when I come to visit and whether he's mad at me. He said he's not mad at me but I can't do anything to help him.<P>He was very depressed last night. He just sat as far away from me as possible, stared and cried a bit. He said I must just leave him alone.<P>I told him I can't just leave him for I really love him. I said I would cut off my arms if that could make him happy again but he said that won't help. (now I'm laughing! It's just so silly!! But then neither one of this thought so)<P>Any case, I told him again I want to take him away from here where he is so misserable. I asked if he's finished updating his resume, he said ummm. I asked if he could please give it to me, he said ummm. <P>But when I left he still hasn't given it yet. I know if I hammer on one thing too much he won't give it on purpose. So now I KNOW I must wait for him to give it to me on his own time. I KNOW I must NOT put further pressure on him about this. I MUST JUST REMEMBER THIS NOW AND BE PATIENT!!!<P>I'll let you know when I've won this battle.<P>Thank you so much for all your help. I hope things are going ok on your side.<P>Best wishes<BR>ivory

Yes, I've been there. I would have done anything to get some normalcy. Now I take what my H has to offer and I cherish it. <P>Any issue that makes WH act angry or aggressive I would recommend avoiding until he brings it up. About giving your H letters on withdrawal, I would maybe give him only one for now. You don't want to overwhelm him. Another thing is don't hound him about reading it either. Leave him bring it up.<P>When I first discovered MB, I was going to go home that night , to my H packing his things. I printed off a lot of articles and read them at lunchtime.<BR>That night when I walked in the house I said to H (neither one of us wanted to seperate, but we couldn't get along)"Are you ready to dig ourselves out this hole we're in?"<BR>I very briefly told him of a few of the articles I read, specifically the one comparing the A to an addiction...and about the withdrawal. H said "that's exactly the way I feel"<BR>I then realized that his emotions through this situation were just as fragile as mine. And I always keep that reminder in the back of my mind. <P>HOPE MY ADVISE HELPS.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by M&J (edited August 17, 2001).]

Ivory, M&J is right, you need to avoid any situation that might trigger him into anger and depression. We know it's hard. We're all doing the same thing. Just be there for him, and love him, but don't push the issue if he shows even the slightest resistance.<P>