Found out through monitoring software that OW broke it off with H yesterday. H hasn't said anything to me, but by her e-mail they've been having problems. He acted like a grouch yesterday snapping at me and the kids. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I don't know what to do now. H doesn't seem too upset (just grouchy and irritable)-he was in chat rooms again last night after I went to bed. I just don't know. He checked his voice mail three times last night in two hours--evidently she didn't call. Her e-mail said to let him know when we get divorced and to keep in touch so there will probably still be contact. I know I'm rambling, sorry. I'm glad they are over, but now what? What's my next step since he's so b**chy now?

What do you do ??<P>Do you want your husband to stay with you ? If so, maybe try and understand "him". I know this is awful because you hurt, but he strayed for a reason (not you). Try and reflect on what "he" is missing in his life. Maybe he thought he was getting it from the OW. Now maybe you can be that person that he needs. What made him fall in love with you ? What makes him laugh when he's with you ? Unfortunately it is the BS that ends up being the emotional "everything"...we are emotional wrecks & also the emotional awakeners.<P>I'm no expert (thank God), I am going through my own stuff, but I have found that when try and understand H's needs it works.<P>Let me know how it works out.<p>[This message has been edited by louser (edited August 14, 2001).]

Thanks louser! Yes, I want my H. I want him to want me also. I am trying my best to Plan A and hopefully that will help. I had just read though that during the "withdraw", you should stear clear of your spouse. I'm a little confused. Should I continue Plan A (not LB and trying to fill ENs) or should I back off for a little while?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dumplin:<BR> Should I continue Plan A (not LB and trying to fill ENs) or should I back off for a little while?[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm guilty of having no idea what Plan A is or what these abbreviations stand for. Kinda found this site by mistake & have been chating for about 1 month. (couldn't deal with my therapist)<P>Can you give me any help ?<P>

You need to go read the Basic Concepts under the Marriage Builders website and read some of Steve Harley's columns under the site to understand most of the concepts discussed in here.

dumplin,<BR>I haven't studied much about withdrawal. I can imagine that he is a real bear. I definitely think you should stay in Plan A. DOn't smother him - give him space. Remember, men (martians) like to go in their cave, and don't like to be dragged out. But be gentle, be there for him. Go to the MB site and search through the Q and A section on how affairs end, and recovering after the affair to see if anything helps you there. Like protection, care, honesty, etc. You might do a search on the GQII forum for Withdrawal and see what comes up. the Recovery Forum might be a good place to read also.

Thanks Faith! I'm going to start searching now. Work is boring me! LOL! I'm just waiting to see what tonight will be-which person will he be tonight,hhmmm? It's kind of like being married to someone with multiple personalities. He can switch like a light bulb from one to another.

Hi Dumplin,<BR>I've been reading all your posts very carefully because your situation, and the way your H behaves is so much like mine. My H has often acted like a bear with a sore head. Just after D day (13 April), when he also said that the physical affair had been ended two weeks earlier, he had terrible withdrawal. He is happy again now, but thats because he still phones her , so for us it isn't really over, I'm doing plan A like crazy. I was really pleased for you today when you said that it looks as though the OW has ended it and really pleased that he got no messages from her. I hope this carries on. If I was you, I would be really careful what you say right now. Don't let on that you know anything, you don't want him to know about the monitoring software do you? Just continue to plan A and if he seems really bad just leave the room or give him some space. I really have my fingers crossed for you and hope that I am in this situation soon. Just be happy that she dumped him...but just carry on as though you know nothing. Give him lots of space. Hope it all works out.<BR>Wounded One

Thanks WO. I feel a tremendous relief knowing that she broke it off with him, but at the same time I'm worried. She said for him to call her when our divorce was final and to keep in touch. I'm not sure what all that is-I haven't seen any divorce papers. Also, I would have rather her told him don't ever call me again than to say keep in touch. Hopefully, it won't be keeping in touch on a daily basis. I doubt it will-she said she was in too much pain and this had to end. It was a confusing letter to read. No, I do NOT want him knowing about the monitoring software. I have not mentioned anything about this to him. Just waiting (patience is not one of my strong points) to see if he will tell me anything. I sort of think he's enjoying this new me and he's afraid I'll go back to the way I was before if I find out. I guess I'll just have to prove him wrong, huh?<P>I'm keeping you in my thoughts, WO.

Hi Dumplin,<P>The thing she said about keeping in touch after the divorce. Maybe she was just saying this out of jealousy. Maybe she is just hoping that things will not work out between you and it was her way of saying that if things didn't work out between you and your H, then he could get back in touch with her then. Thats what it sounds like to me anyway. Don't let this part of what she said get to you. Just keep doing plan A and working on your marraiage. It would be a really good "two fingers up" to her to discover that your marriage isn't going to end and that he no longer needs her wouldn't it?<P>Take Care,<BR>Wounded One

I don't think he's bothered by the fact that she broke it off really. Last night, he was browsing Yahoo looking at personal pages and e-mailing women on it. I e-mailed him and let him know that I saw what he was doing and that it hurt me. I didn't rant and rave or anything. I think I handled it pretty good. I let him know that I knew I couldn't control what he did, but it hurt me and I didn't like it. He just called me a little while ago and acted as if everything is fine. He hasn't mentioned anything about it though. That's normal. I'm just going to continue with Plan A and hope everything works out. If it doesn't then I know I will be a better person for the changes I have made.

Yep,<BR>You two sound a lot like us. I E Mailed my H a few times about things he'd done, like looking at loads of porn on the internet when he has a real woman here who he won't sleep with etc. he just acted as though nothing had happened. He'd saved loads of the stuff, so I deleted it all. Anyway, back to the point.....do you know whether he actually speaks to any of these women he looks up on the Yahoo personal columns? I think my H did something to the PC over the weekend to check what I'm looking at. Usually you can check the history over the last two weeks. The history on our PC was all MB of course. When I went on the internet on Monday however, it made it look as though no one had used the internet for the last two weeks. Why had he got rid of the "history" listing? Had my H looked at something bad? Today I've just noticed that the history listing (which is on all the time) is showing a lot more detail about what I am looking at than usual? I think he's now checking up on me! You can easily get paranoid here can't you? Tell me more about this Yahoo stuf he looks at... I'm wondering what it is.

It's personals that are listed on Yahoo. You can search like Man looking for Woman, what state, age, etc. I don't know if he's done it or not, but you can send e-mails to a special Personals mailbox (basically, another e-mail account) if you like the person's ad and they can reply to you if they want. My brother has it so I know how it works, but my brother is single and free to look in my opinion. I don't know about the history thing on your computer. Ours is set for 0 days. H did this. That's why I knew he was up to something and put the monitoring software on my computer. It's invisible so he will never know it is there. I haven't been able to check it though and I'm thinking of taking it off because all it does is cause more heartache. The e-mail I sent him is under the Lostva post if you want to read it. I would like someone's opinion on it, but so far I haven't gotten any replies.

Hey dumplin<P>My H is acting like a wounded bear too since he isn't seeing OW anymore. I tried to give him his space and meet his EN's, but apparently he wanted more. He said I did nothing and gave him no sympathy. I was trying to act as natural as possible but I still did the wrong thing. I gave him loads of foot, hand, back massages. I didn't say anything either way about her but have been telling the counselor that he's very depressed. So, I guess I can't win. I assumed he wouldn't want me to bring it up, so I said nothing when all along he wanted me to ask him how he's feeling/doing.<P>So, they act like bears but get mad when we feel we can't approach them because they are grouchy and moody. The irony of life.<P>He is definitely in that cave and it sounds like your H too. If you figure out how to handle this, let me know. I need it too!<BR>

H is in a better mood now. You wouldn't think that anything different has happened at all. Yesterday, he was fine and earlier today when I talked to him everything seemed fine. Of course, since OW broke it off, he's been spending time in chat rooms and in the personals on Yahoo. He's really missing her, huh?