Just found out that the A my H had 6+ yrs ago was more than I knew. It was his secretary & she got pregnant (same time as me) She suppossedly didn't have it, but what I just found out was that when she told My H about her abortion they met to "console" each other. I was 6-7 months pregnant. He met her at a college reunion to "console" each other.<P>I have been working things out, but I can't get past the fact that not only did he get her pregnant, but he cheated on me while I was pregnant.<P>How to cope ???? Help !

maybe you will get a better sense of help posting this in the pregnancy section of the forums.<P>Allie

Dear Louser,<P>That is hard news indeed. This year, OW claimed to be pregnant same time as me. No proof just a lot of talk and request for money from the WS for the OW. Me on the other hand, saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound. My pregnancy was real. Unfortunately my pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage and supposedly OW miscarried also. Hm...... <P>Did that hurt? Yes it did. I had to go past that pain and quickly since I was pregnant at the time. OW called to make sure I knew she was pregnant. H was really stuck between a rock and a hard place. <P>I turned to take care of myself. That is when I learned that my main problem was having to deal with the OW in my life and realized that my settling point was to get the OW out of my life. <P>Whether this wicked woman was prego or not, she needed to be out of my life. The hurt and the pain will be there, then you will have to decide when you have had enough, enough to move on. Then you will need to decide move on with or without your H. That is a decision that must be reached by the 2 of you together. <P>You now have a little one to care for. Regardless of your relationship with your H, he is still the father of your child. That can not be broken and does put a twist on how to handle a D. <P>If your marriage is recoverable, you will both need counseling to handle all the excess baggage of emotions. Learn how to be each others support. <P>I was not able to do any research on your story nor look at your profile (computer running slow). Have you done any reading on the Suriviving an affair book? There is much to read from here. Also phone counseling sessions are available with Jennifer or Steve. Take advantage of what you can. <P>If you would like to see other similar stories, the preg/child site has many that dealt with out situations and the support there is good. Watch out for the periodic posters who try to bust in and smear the support out there. There are a few visitors from other websites like gloryb.com who are actually OWs with an attitude. Just concentrate on those that can help you. <P>Post back when you can. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited August 15, 2001).]

bump to the top. <P>L.

My counselor advised me that there would be some things that would be just too hard to get over. Some things cannot be forgiven or forgotten. In doing these things our spouse has stolen from us… stolen our peace of mind, our dignity, our rights as a wife/husband, etc. She suggested that he owed me something of value in return. This is not usually money – though I suppose that would work for some people.<P>Here are some examples:<P>My H had affairs with 10 women that he met on the Internet over a 2.5 year period while we were engaged and then married. I found out about all this about 9 months after our marriage. <P>I had told all of these women that he was single. When I spoke to the women many of them suggested that he married me for something other then love – like money and help with his kids. So I asked him to send all of them no-contact letters that showed a very strong support of me. He did this.<P>I needed him to show me that our marriage was important to him. So I asked him to spoil me rotten for our first anniversary. I did specifically tell him that I did not want any kind of big gifts like a diamond bracelet (that was the example I used with him). Because I did not want to feel like I was being bought off. Instead I asked that he take me on a long weekend trip where we could be together and spoil each other. He did this. It was a wonderful weekend.<P>Since most of his affairs were carried out on the Internet, chat and email, I asked that he put keystroke-tracking software on his computer and share his email, chat and computer passwords with me. He has done all of these. <P>One of the greatest compensations he has given me is his being supportive of the pain I’ve been through. My counselor explained to me that the price one pays for having an affair is have to answer their spouses questions over and over until the BS is finally satisfied. And the WS has to allow the BS to tell them over and over how much they were hurt by the affair and the WS’s actions. My husband was very patient with me, answered all of my questions over and over. He listened while I told him how hurt and upset I was. Then, when I was hurt he would hold me and let me cry. He told me many times that he was sorry for what he did. That he caused my pain and that it was his responsibility to help me heal. For about 2.5 months I had to talk about his affairs daily – at least 1 to 2 hours a day. At this point I think my H is a saint for putting up with that. But the out come has been incredible. At about 3.5 months after D-day could no longer think of any more questions to ask. I knew what I needed to know. And I no longer needed to tell him that I was angry and hurt but cause those feelings were mostly gone.<P>He as also agreed to follow the MB concepts to recover our marriage. This means the world to me. And it is yet another compensation.<P>Another thing I have asked him for is that at about 2 years past d-day, I would really like for us to re-do our vows. There are some significant triggers around our current wedding anniversary. So I want to new wedding. We are talking about flying to Las Vegas, getting a license, I’ll get a new dress, etc. This will be a recommitment to each other…. And a great honeymoon (we have not had one yet.)<P>At 4.5 months after D-day, I am amazed at how fast we are healing and recovering our marriage.<P>So what could your husband do to compensate you for his terrible hurt he has put on you? I know that your response will probably be NOTHING can compensate me for this. But give it some time. Something may come to mind.<P> <P>Here is a link to one of Dr. Harley’s articles on forgiving and forgetting. It says something very similar:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html</A> <P>Z<BR><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

louser,<P> Sorry for the pain this has caused you. Could you please post more on the past six years? How was the marriage during this time? Did you know about the 'A' back when it was going on? If so did you and your H work through it to a better marriage for that six years?<P> I am sure you can see where this is leading. If you still love your H then my advice would be to get over it. As hard as that may be. You must ask yourself what you want NOW, for the future. If that is for your marriage to be saved, my advice is to forgive and go forward.<P> Probably not what you want to hear and it will likely be harder than when your H had the A. Just look inside you and decide where you want to go from this point. <P> Good luck. And again I am so sorry that this has arisen after such a long time. Hang in there.<P> jdmac1

back to the top....<P>louser,<P>Please respond so we know if you are here or not. <P>Hope you are having a better day today.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Hi I'm here.<BR>Thanks for the responses.<P>I just found out 6 months ago that my husband of 17 years has been cheating on me on& off for 13 years. Two of the A were with secretaries, 1 a one night stand the other a girl from college that he ran into @ a reunion.<P>Me, had absolutely NO idea. Honestly never ever suspected. My H was a workaholic, with very overbearing parents. He worked for a large family business his dad was the Pres. My mother in law is very manipulative & controlling. Since day 1 they have determined where we live, what kind of car we drive, when & where we take vacations (with them of course)<P>I was told for years by my H to "deal" with it. I hated the loneliness & the control. <P>His lonest A was with the OW that he got pregnant. It lastest several years and he kept it totally hidden from everyone. <P>He has tried to make me believe that he is sorry. Originally this all came to light because he told me of a couple of A's to hurt me & threatened to D me.<P>I have been hospitalized 2 x for attempted suicide. Feb & march<P>I'm better now. We have 4 kids 15,14, 10 & 6. <P>His parents blame me for his A's. They are sick people.<BR>Lots of money..no clue about real life.<P>My biggest problem is I am furious that he had such control over my life..he started cheating on me when I was 28...I'm now 41...God would I love to be 28 again.<P>My thoughts..how dare he !! How dare he decide what I wanted in my life. He is doing it now. I amf following Plan A, going to marriage counseling, seeing his side, understanding the causes etc. But I'm scared that I am making it too easy for him.<P>I am an attractive, very fit person & I would have no problem finding someone else...<BR>I am not or never have been attracted to another man since I met my husband. But I can't understand these feelinmgs.<P>Now I know that a large part of my life (the 30 deacde) I was busy with the kids...and he was busy with the OW. He treated me terrible, never helped, never spent time w/ the kids & always made me feel inferior.<P>Now, he's bald..out of money & mopeing around like a puppy dog.<P>Sorry to be so long winded.. <BR>

louser,<P>First, why not change your name to NotALouser? You will be a winner out of this no matter what the outcome is aslong as you follow the MB concepts. <P>Because even if you end up divorcing your H, you will be a better person and healed so that you can move on with your life.<P>If you stay in this marriage and you follow the MB concepts, you H will be working with you to make your marriage what you have always wanted it to be. <P>So you are a winner.<P>You have good reasons to be upset with your H. Has he stopped his affairs? Has he agreed to follow the MB concepts?<P>That is where to start.<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare