Over the last 4 years of our marriage, my husband has had 3 affairs. I always find out because he doesn't work to hard to hide them. He has told me that it is purely sexual & he has no feeling for these other women. Because of children, I make the effort to forgive. However, I think that I can't continue to live like this.<P>For the last month my 13 year-old sister has been staying with us. Yes, that's 13! The last night that she was in town he wanted me to go get her and see what she would be willing to do, he said that he didn't want to have sex with her, just touch her & see her. I couldn't believe that he would even ask me to do this. He has told me before that if I would just allow another woman in our bed from time to time that he wouldn't want to cheat. I think that this is insane! I think that the fact he would even consider doing anything with 13 year-old is sick! I don't know what to do. We had a huge fight over this & now he acts like nothing happened. In fact, he acted like the fight was my fault because I wouldn't go get her & I wouldn't just drop the issue. I am furious & I feel like I am living with a very sick person. I asked him how he would feel if someone our age wanted to do that with our daughter when she is 13. He has made some comments about "well, your leaving me anyway" over the last couple days & we are hardly speaking. I want to leave. Am I wrong in how I feel? I don't think at this point there is a way to save our marriage. Help! Any takers?

Your instinct is right. That is very sick on his part. Not only does it violate your marriage but also your ties to her as a family member. That would be adultry and incest. Are you concerned about how he treats your own children? That guy is nuts. I'm sorry to be saying this about your husband but he's way sick and needs professional help in the worst way. <P>You are so much better off without him. He's nothing but a cheat and sounds like a child molester. <P>Take your kids and get out of that horrible situation. You deserve so much better and will find what you deserve out of life. Say goodbye to bad rubbish.

I don't have much experience on this subject but I'd have to say I would be very concerned if he had ask about touching your 13 yr.old sister. How old are your children? Your H does need to seek professional help. This is not your fault in any way. <BR>cybil

Ok, coming from a law enforcement perspective, What your H did is try to involve you in a crime. If you were to assist him in his attempt to sexually assault a child, you would be as guilty as he, and in my state this is concidered a Felony with a sentense of several years in prison. I cannot believe that he is not only sick enough to want his 13 yoa sister in law, but to involve you is very sick. Get your H into counseling and address this, soon.

Tell your husband that you love him, but this has gone too far. He needs help. If he refuses, then you need to do what you feel is best for yourself and your family. <P>If he agrees, watch him very closely over the next few months. Do NOT let him anywhere near your children or your little sister. I don't care what you believe he is or is not capable of. IT IS NOT WORTH THE RISK. <P>Believe me, I was molested as a child, you never know who you can or can't trust with this. Your 13-year old sister is a child. Period. <P>Your husband can get help, but he has to want it and realize he has a problem. If not, you are OUT OF THERE until the time when he can prove he has changed and has come to grips with his problem. File for seperation and tell him you are giving him one last chance to get help and become the man you once knew and loved.<P>That is my suggestion if you truly love your husband and wish to try and save your marriage. Your husband is sick and needs help, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to divorce him or run away. You MIGHT, in order to keep your family safe, but you might not. <P>Nobody would blame you if you took your kids and ran and got a divorce. No one!! It takes balls to try and save a marriage like yours. Are you up for the challenge? It's the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life, it's much easier to just file for divorce.<P>If the guy touches or leads you to believe he may touch your kids/sister in any way/shape/form (even if he says he's joking) you RUN. He does not get a 2nd chance and you do NOT wait for his answer regarding getting help. You get away any way you can.<P>This is a very serious issue. I don't take it lightly, but I also recognize the fact that you seem to still love your husband despite his problems. People can and do get help for similar problems as your husband, I don't know if your husband is one of the people that can be helped with counseling, but if you are willing to give him that chance, then go for it. But watch your back at all times.<P>HbH<P>

According to SAA, there are certain exceptions in marriage building. IMO, yours is one of them. Your H has other problems, and until they are 'fixed' (wrong word, I know), there is no point in working on the marriage.<P>Sexual addiction is likely his 'problem'.... perhaps 'disease' is a better word? That doesn't make him a bad person, it just means he has issues that need to be dealt with. <P>Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to help him with it. You could check into your community and see if there is a sexual addiction society or group (for either the addicts themselves, or their families, or both). If there is one, then attend some meetings to give you some insight if there is anything you can do that would not be enabling his behaviour.<P>He is the one who needs to realize he has a problem. Plan A won't work for you, because it would be considered enabling on your part. And that's not a healthy mix.<P>For the time being, my suggestion to you is to do an online search for 'sexual addiction' and see what kind of information you can find. <P>I am very proud of you for standing up for you and your sister when your H made that abhorable (sp?) request. I'm sure it was fairly easy considering it was your sister, but I'm also pretty sure you would do the same thing if it were about someone else.<P>Still use this site to vent your frustrations and seek advice. There are wonderful people on here who will help at the drop of a dime (is that the saying? grin). And although working on plan A and B won't be the best method as far as recovering your marriage right now goes, you can still use the concepts for you and your life in general. They can help you stay strong, be a better you, and in turn, help others.<P>Take care, and keep us posted.<P>Karen<BR>

hi janne,<BR>this is not exactly sexual addiction...please go to the sexaddicts anonymous website and check it out. Cannot remember the site addy, but easy to find with a search engine.<BR>Your h needs some help my friend. Serious counseling is in order. You were right not to indulge him any further. <BR>Dont enable him.<BR>(((((janne)))))<BR>

<A HREF="http://www.promisekeepers.org.nz/imrefpages/addiction-help.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.promisekeepers.org.nz/imrefpages/addiction-help.htm</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.hoyweb.com/lh/anna.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hoyweb.com/lh/anna.htm</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www2.primushost.com/~cosa/" TARGET=_blank>http://www2.primushost.com/~cosa/</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.sexaa.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexaa.org/</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.slaafws.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.slaafws.org/</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.sa.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sa.org/</A> <P>I hope these can help.

Thank you all very much for your insights. My children are only 3 years & 4 months. However, to be interested in a 13 year-old to me is just sick. He says that he wants to make this work but I don't know if I do.

Janne, if he was interested in making this work, then he would respect your feelings about his sexual addiction and fantasy. He is trying to get away with all he can, and if you let him, he will. I think an ultimatum is in order here, considering the nature of the acts he wants to pursue. If he really wants the marriage to work, he has to go to counseling and work on these problems. If he isn't willing to do that, then he doesn't truly care about your marriage and you and your children are better off without him.