I have been coming here for quite some time reading your stories and posts and I sympathise with all of you. I am so sorry for what you go through. This is not how love is supposed to be. My H seems to have a terminal porography disease. I have gradually been replaced over the last few years with naked on line women. 16 yo in chat rooms etc. I sometimes wish he had an actual woman to be involved with. This is so hard for me because I feel so helpless. There is no OW that I can call and threaten to come kick their A** if they don't leave him alone. i HAVE confronted him with all this after I found ICQ conversations with a 16 yo. She kept IM him over and over and I just blew up. Sent her a IM saying to never mail him again. That he was married and had 5 kids. Apparently he told her he was 17!! What's up with that???? I can't compete with these women. I have had 4 kids (3 in 3 years) My body isn't what it should be but good grief. I am alone and feel so lonely. We talked about counseling but it's not covered on insurance and with 5 kids there's not much I can do. When I confronted him he was very ashamed would not talk to me for days. He said he would go get help. That was 2 weeks ago. All the porn sites were gone along with ICQ(he deleted all of it) Now after only 2 weeks there are more porn sites bookmarked than there ever was before. I now you all have your own problems. Guess I just needed to vent. Thank you. Best of luck to all of you.

Hi Mom,<P>I am sorry you are having to deal with this problem. Must say though that it would have been easier to deal with H's problem if it stopped there. My H went from porn to massage palors to the internet with a psyco babble OW with EA/PA, claimed 2 pregnancies w/2 misscarriages. Yes, he says he is sorry but dug a hole so deep, he is having a hard time to come out. <P>Please let your H know how bad it can become. This addiction of his can be worse. You could become exposed to STDs and many other vile problems. I am not minimizing your situation. Just letting you see how much worse it can get and that is just my experience. <P>Do whatever you can to get help. You have been here a while and know many stories. You have seen those get help and those who have come and gone. Phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer costs a bit but well worth it. If your H is remoseful, you have a start better than some of us here. <P>Can you share info from here with your H? That may help. There are some couples that post here also. STL and Zorweb both post here and have helped many. There are more if you visit the recovery site. There are also many men that post here to give the male perspective. SNL and his wife (thinker) post here and we have seen their relationship as a work in process. This has been a learning experience for us all. <P>I hope this helps a bit. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR> <P>

MomRat<P>Just wanted to drop by and say hi. Please don’t apologize for asking for help and venting here. This is what this site is about. <P>My H was involved in several internet affairs so I am very familiar with what you are dealing with. I highly recommend that you read all of the material on this web site and then read the books “Surviving An Affair”, “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. If there is any way you can get your husband to read these books I’d recommend that he do so too. <P>My husband and I have been following the MB concepts since only a couple of weeks after our d-day. It’s done wonders for our marriage and relationship.<P>Please post back here to let us know that you are still coming to this forum and reading the posts. <BR>There is more that I’d like to share with you but right now but I really do need to get some sleep tonight. Will check back some time tomorrow.<P> <BR>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Thanks for the advice. We have a lot at stake in this marriage. I have been a mother to his 11yo son since he was 3. His biological mother sees him every other week and she is not a real upstanding person so it would be really hard on him. I just feel like he is just not the same person I fell in love with. I'm not even sure I can say that I do love him anymore. I looked for a few of Steve's books today. Couldn't find what I was looking for. I jut take things one day at a time. I have a week until school starts. Yahhhhhhh!!!! Hopefully that will eliminate some stress.

MomRat,<P>Where did you look for Steve's books? Actually the books were written by Willard F. Harley not Steve. They can be ordered off this web site or on Amazon.com.<P>If you read no other book, I'd recommend "Surviving An Affair".<P>I am sure that you do not feel like you love your husband any more. He has not been meeting your emotional needs. Generally affairs happen because spouses do not meet each other's emotional needs. Meeting these needs are the basis of the MB concepts. When a couple does that, romantic love returns.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Sorry Z I got the name wrong. I was looking for His Needs Her Needs but couldn't find it. I was at CPO. Wasn't sure out an EA online would be compared with the advice in Surviving An Affair. We did actully talk last night. I think we both understand that we haven't been there for each other. A lot of pent up resintment on both sides. Now we just need to start working on mending fences. I tolde him last night " You know I basically have to learn to like you again because right now I don't" He laughed and told me good luck. Where do I start. This has really caused a lot of hard feelings. I'm just afraid of never loving him again.

I know how you feel you cannot compete with the lure of the sex industry no matter how hard you try. We don't have makeup artists, or airbrushes for our stretch marks.<P>I found this site to be very helpful.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.pureintimacy.org/online1/essays/a0000039.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.pureintimacy.org/online1/essays/a0000039.html</A> <P>I have the book and he has started reading it.<P>He has to admit he has a problem. Not you.<BR>My H finally did this spring and he has not looked from home yet. (I don't know about work) I am trying to trust him on that I don't know if it is a good thing to do or stupid. But I see changes at home.<P>There is so much info on the net about this. Unbelievable.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.onlinesexaddict.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.onlinesexaddict.org/</A> <P>Keep posting and that will help. It did for me.<p>[This message has been edited by SuzzieQ (edited August 16, 2001).]

^

MomRat,<P>The SAA book does absolutely apply to online EA's. An affair is an affair. Remember that affairs that are purely physical in nature are actually easier for the WS to get out of then ones that are emotional in nature. Emotional attachment is far stronger then physical attachment. I view the book as the road map of how to recover your marriage. It's not a very big book and is a quick read. It will tell you step by step what to do. The other books, "His Needs, Her needs", "Love Busters" etc. also have wonderful information and they expand on what is in the SAA book.<P>To tell you the truth, I would suggest the book SAA to anyone having marital problems whether or not there was an affair involved. This is because I believe that the book is the core of the MB material.<P>IMHO<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SuzzieQ:<BR><B>I know how you feel you cannot compete with the lure of the sex industry no matter how hard you try. We don't have makeup artists, or airbrushes for our stretch marks.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>SuzzieQ,<P>You are just the best!!! <P>MomRat, know where you are coming from. I have four children under the age of eight. It is hard to work on your relationship when your little one's are so needy. And some men seem to turn away from what is lacking in the relationship instead of working on it. Some chose OW, some chose porn and the internet makes it so easy to bring this trash into our homes. <P>Here is my story about my husband's addiction to porn... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/004669-2.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/004669-2.html</A> <P>scroll down to my post, my name is Bluebird...<P>Trusting after an online infidelity is so hard, especially when nothing physical has happened. The people at MB have been so helpful in helping validate my feelings and helping me think clearly and rationally when I am at the end of my rope. <P>I installed Spector on our home PC. Since that time I have created a site dedicated to helping people suffering from online affairs the url is <A HREF="http://www.bustedyouonline.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bustedyouonline.com</A> . This is where I am venting my frustrations and anger by helping other people who are hurting just like me. It, along with the marriage builders site and support from fellow marriage builders, is helping in my healing process. <P>I take it one day at a time. <P><BR>This is an insightful article I have quoted from the pure intimacy site. I think in regards to this topic it hits the nail on the head.<P><B>When Fantasy Meets Reality <BR></B><BR>Laurie Hall tells what it feels like to be a normal woman who is sized up against a fantasy woman.<P>The goal is to turn his wife into the type of woman he has fantasized about. When a man's imagination has been turned to evil, it has serious implications for his marriage. His imagination has trained him to be a user, and he will <BR>attempt to use his wife. He can be very clever in the ways he manipulates her. <P>He may try the "sweet" approach-buying her flowers, taking her out to dinner, picking up some little thing he thinks she'll like--to manipulate her emotions so she feels she "owes" him something. Then, at the right moment, he'll<BR>inform her that the payback is a sexual act. If subtlety fails to work, he may use more drastic measures, such as shaming or scaring her into compliance. The goal is to turn his wife into the type of woman he has fantasized about. <P>If the women of his dreams are passive, he will want his wife to be passive.<P>Therefore, if she has an opinion, she's being controlling. <P>If the women of his dreams have no needs but his needs, he will want his wife to have no needs but his needs. Therefore, if she has a need, she is being demanding. <P>If the women in his dreams have no dimension other than sexual, he will want his wife to have no dimension other than sexual. Therefore, if she has goals and dreams for herself, she's being too independent. <P>If the women of his dreams are aroused by acts of perverted sex, he will want his wife to be aroused by acts of perverted sex. Therefore, if she can't get turned on, she's frigid.<P>If the women of his dreams are luscious young babes with endless breasts and legs, he will want his wife to be a luscious young babe with endless breasts and legs. Therefore, if she's just a normal woman who's had a couple of kids, then she's going to be too flat, too fat, too old, or too average to suit his gourmet taste. [this is my husband]<P>When that man looks at his wife through distorted eyes, it distorts his ability to know who she is. Is she controlling, demanding, too independent, frigid,and <BR>ugly? <P><BR><B>Or is she just normal? </B><P> <P><BR>

Just so MomRat knows My original posting name was Erebus.<P>

Thanks guys. I read your posts. I think the hardest thing for me was justifying my hurt feelings to myself. It wasn't a PA so why is this bothering me so much. I am not a prude in any way. Heck we watched all the adult movies etc. But we did it together, I thought we were very close. Then I started having the kids and it just snowballed. Now out of the blue he's this porn addict. We have had our phone shut off numerous times becsause of the internet(Before we found a local server) our Directtv was cut off permanantly because of a $450 porno movie bill. When it was just the porn sites I was ok but then it turned into one-on-one conversations with OW. He has called one W that I know of. Had phone sex w/ her while I was asleep. Then regular nightly conversations onICQ w/ sveral others. I just need to feel that it's ok to be upset when it wasn't a real person. I'm really confused

Mom read the post that bluebird posted with her story in it. If you have any doubts that you should not feel this way, that should help you greatly. I too thought "What am I so hurt for?" It hurts and that is all that matters. And my H never contacted anyone by phone, email or chatted. <P>Never feel bad for feeling the way you do. If anyone (and some will) say you have no right because it was not a REAL woman, as you say. You do have a right. Those who would be so mean to say that to you have never been in our shoes to understand the situation.