Hi<BR>my H had an affair with one of my married friends right under my(and my other friends) nose. She continued to "be friends" with me during it, he let me spend time with her during it, they carried on in places my friends where, and when it was found out, it was very public discussion amongst my friends and people I know straight from her side as she did daily volunteer work with them. She of course let them know it all from her (OW)point of view including some MAJOR exaggerations. Both to gain sympathy and deflect any blame as well as make my H suffer. At the time I was so devestated I hardly said anything to restore the balance back to the truth only and so some of the exaggerations and mud probably stuck <BR>It was all completely humiliating.<BR>Anyhow it was years ago, my H and I learned from our own mistakes and have recovered our marriage. My friends were an enormous support during the initial times, but now years past noone ever talks about it anymore, but Ive never really personally recovered. Certainly never recovered my self confidence, and self esteem even within my crowd, and still battle depression over it all. And would rather crawl up in a hole than socialise.<BR>Im worried that Ill eventually lose my true friends if I continue as is. But its so hard to trust, to open my heart again, and let people in. I cant imagine them even understanding if I said why it is. After all who really understands how it is until you actually are a BS. And when the betrayers are both your H AND a friend. I certainly never imagined how hard it would be. I tried counselling it helped somewhat. Prior to the A we were badly hurt in another way by very close friends, and have also been suckered in by two other parties in rotten business deals as well. People lying directly to our faces with no morals at all, which led to our bankrupcy. All in all its hard to trust anyone anymore. And to join the party and put on that happy face. I feel safer alone. Then I cant be hurt Anyone relate and any small steps to take to eventually climb out of this rut and not lose friendships? I know it all sounds like self pity and "Im a victim" but Id like to change and have more self confidence. thanks!<P>[This message has been edited by alsohurt (edited August 15, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by alsohurt (edited August 15, 2001).]

I don't know what to say. You may want to post on the recovery threads. I think you really need an answer.

Just because your friends don't talk about it anymore, doesn't mean they won't. If they don't bring it up into conversation, then it is probably because they don't want to open up new wounds. But if you need their support still, then you are the one who has to make the first move to ask for it. If you don't talk about it, how are they to know that you need to?<P>IMO, you should focus on the friends that are still there for you and your H. To me, that proves that they are true friends. It's amazing how quickly we find out who our real friends are in a situation such as an A. (my H had an affair with a now former friend of mine as well. I know all too well about the double whammy betrayal).<P>My H and I have lost a lot of friends throughout our marital ordeal. Actually, it all started a few months prior when our son passed away. Again, that was another traumatic experience where the people who are our true friends, are the ones who were there for us. Those same people are still here for us now.<P>In situations like these, people make the wrong decision (IMO) to not say anything. They feel that if they don't know what to say, or how to approach it, they just don't say anything at all. <P>Don't you make that error in judgement. If you need your friends, tell them that. Tell them that all you need is someone to listen, not necessarily to give advice (that could take the pressure off of them). <P>And of course, there is always us here at MB. You know we're all here to help each other. Share with us as often as you need to. We're listening.<P>Karen<BR>

I can relate to how you feel. My H's affair was also with my (ex) best friend. We also had mutual friends and it was so hard to be around them. Even now, I am not very close to a few people because they still have contact with her. I don't want them to ruin her life, I just don't want any more reminders. One of them said "I know she would never intentionally do anything to hurt you." Well, I have recently found out that yes, they did have sex-in her car, at her house, something happened at (our) office and the worst....they were in MY BED. That part really destroys me inside. She used to help me paint, etc. and knew how important my house is to me. But she had the nerve to come here when I was gone and head right to my bedroom with him.<P>This all happened almost 6 years ago but they both denied anything happening. He was finally forced to in counseling last month. He admitted he kept it from me because he had promised her, she wanted to save her marriage. Well, she has since divorced and he still didn't tell me. It's awful that it happened at all, but to face 6 years of lying is almost more than I can take. Because of the lies, I was also exposed to the threat of stds but I guess they never considered that.<P>I feel very "gyped" (sp?) because back then, they made me look like I was over reacting for being upset. We were separated for 9 months and I didn't think I could ever be hurt like that again. WEll, now that I know the truth, it hurts just as much. I don't have shock or the freshness of it all, but I do remember everything that happened and the facts help my overworked mind put everything together. I think of her bringing me flowers from her yard and the next night being with my H, etc. But because it's in the past, people say "get over it. at least he's home now."<P>Like you, there are certain people I don't choose to spend time with. It's unfortunately his family for me. They didn't want to "take sides" and pretty much ignored me for almost a year. NOw they want everything to be all great again and I can't let them in. They abandoned me when I really needed them and yet had all the time and energy to spend with him. My H doesn't want them to know the truth so now I just look like a cold person who chooses not to go to family events. My counselor said all I can do is pray that he'll eventually tell them the truth. I feel that if he even said "Listen, I lied before. I did have an affair and my wife is having an awful time dealing with it. It wasn't her fault like I said back then." It would really help me. But he's selfish enough that he wants to look good for his perfect family. So I end up looking like a witch.<P>Like you, I also don't get as close to girl friends either. It's not worth the risk in my mind. People who haven't experienced it always have lots of good advice, but it's impractical when you've been thru what we have. Counseling is very helpful, and prayer works well too. Do what you need to do for YOU. There are a lot of good books out there too. I hope you find the help and peace you need. I'll pray for you.

Alsohurt, <BR>I can relate to your situation a little bit. Though I had an affair on my wife first, it was with noone she knew. However she recently had an A, but it was with a person who I worked with and was also supposed to be my friend. Even while he was talking to her over the phone (she was in another state) he was all along talking to me and comforting and telling me that things were going to work out. Even considering being my roommate, I quickly learned why he decided not to. <BR> I think part of the hurt for me has been the fact that he was my friend, and you just don't do that. He is a total player and hooks up with so many women, I just couldn't figure out why my wife. I say this and she thinks its all about the ego, that it doesn't matter what she was going through. Maybe a little, but when it happens in your circle of friends there are betrayals on so many levels. I can tell you, I used to be a very outgoing, high energy type of person. No issues with self-esteem, in fact I had too much. Now though, I feel beaten down, very low and I don't feel like I have much to offer people. I still have to work with this guy, see him everyday and relive my nightmare. He even tries to have small talk, I just want to clock him! This has only been about 3 and a half weeks ago, so you can see its very fresh. I am going to a counselor and we are going to deal with these issues, because I am not going to put it away and then have it rear its ugly head in a few years down the road. <BR>You need to deal with this right now, get it out and then go forward. The past is a messy thing to try and go back and fix. You can only fix yourself right now, changing your present and your future. <BR>I hope this helps a bit.