Well since last Thursday when she finally admittted to the A and apoligized things have been going well, comparatively speaking. Spent much time together over the weekend and monday as well. She emailed today and wants to bring other dog over to play with our new dog. I'm not sure what to think about this. Never in the last two months has she been this nice and cordial towards me. Why now?<P>1. Could it be that it will be two weeks tomorrow since Dr. confrontation, and my W is still at job and I'm not sure if contact has stopped (probably not) and I told him I would be sending the video to his W?<P>2. Could it be her atty. told her to be nice to me or else this would cost her money?<P>3. Could it be that she got everything on the table and now feels relieved from it?<P>4. Could it be that the Dr. dumped her and she is making an attempt to see how I have changed and if things could work out with us, but still keeping distance?<P>5. Could it be that she thinks I'm hurting so bad that being nice eases her guilt about seperation and the A.<P>6. Could it be that she is just wants to be nice and be friends and nothing else?<P>She told me she still loved me, can women turn emotions on and off like that??<P>Thanks,<P>

I pick number 7: the fog has lifted for a moment.<P>I have to believe in the fog - the rest of the options have temporarily shredded my brain!<P>I'm a woman and no my emotions cannot change so quick - but sometimes my actions are pretty mucked up - just like everyones I guess & I'm a BS! Enjoy the clear weather as much as you can...

gdc,<BR>Don't read anything into it yet. Be open, but on guard.<BR>It could be that she has seen a change in you that she is opening up to. Whatever you are doing right now is working so go with it. Stay nice. And my prayers are with you.<P>Debbie<P>------------------<BR>"I find the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it ---- but we must sail, not drift nor lie at anchor." Oliver Wendall Holmes

I got one #7 and a be careful. Please feel free to offer your opinions!<P>Is this just me or does every BS feel like they ar losing their mind?

This is one of the things I hate the most about my BS. Every single action, word, moment gets put under the microscope.<P>Nothing can ever just be simple and easy. Can't have a good day. Can't just have a nice talk. It all has to MEAN something. GEEEZ.<P>I gotta tell you its exhausting! I AVOID my H cuz I am sick to death of being either questioned about it later, or smothered because he thinks we're gonna be fine cuz we had a decent time together.<P>Let them add up before you start jumping to all these conclusions. Just let a good day be a good day.

Wow Lexxy you could be my H! Do all you WS's think the same? No disrespect to you because I'm glad you're here gives us BS's some insight to the WS moosebrains. My H says those exact same things. We had a great weekend Monday was okay Tuesday night I brought a few things up in a calm tone and he automatically gets defensive! <BR>cybil

gdc:<P>Listen to Lexxxy. She's right. I used to overanalyze everything. Just enjoy it for what it is. Try to live in the moment, and remember who you are. Trying to figure it all out will get you nowhere, I'm afraid... Just keep focusing on being the best person you can be.<P>Relax!<BR>zen

So Lexxy, your advice is to let days be days good or bad.<P>I wish it were that simple, however our emotions just can't stop trying to make sense of it all. I mean my wife and I were trying to have children Feb01-May01 she was tracking ovulation period on the internet and everything, had names picked out the whole deal, then d-day comes in June. <BR>This is the whys, hows, whats that cause us BS's to examine every little detail.<P>GC

I will try to take the advice Lexxy and Zen.<BR>Thanks for the response.<P>By the way, would telling the OM's W be an LB right now?<BR>I think that is what she is trying to prevent, maybe?

lol Cybil -- only reason I post is to hopefully help someone see another perspective.<P>This one hit a nerve for me!<P>I gotta tell you that having never-ending heart-wrenching conversations about our situation is a LB for me. As well as getting smothered everytime things start to seem better.<P>This seems like one of those situations. I know if I were GDC's wife I would BOLT if I were being analyzed like that.<BR>For me, its like the minute we have some good day, talk, moment (WHATEVER) my H thinks its ok to invade the previous boundries we set up. If we have a good day, then the next day he wants to hug and kiss me. It pushes me further away, and I get distant with him. <P>So -- if you sense a coldness, its probably not because we WS's don't share your impression of the time we spent, its just that its not necessary to analyze it, hash it out, or change the rules.<P>Hope this helps. Let a good day just be a good day.

I agree with everyone who says don't overanalyze. The truth of what it all means will eventually come out. That's been the HARDEST thing for me. Accept it for what it is. I am SOOO suspicious right now. I can't help but remember that my H has done that to me. I don't have to tell him every single time I doubt, though. Try to be patient and continue to be loving, caring, etc. Also easier said than done. <P>

Hi Everyone:<P>I tend to agree with Lexxxy on this one. As a BS I know that I am just a big raw nerve waiting for someone to step on me so I can react....and I have to work on it constantly.<P>Overreacting is understandable but I think but we need to remember that WS have feelings too and if we expect our feeling to be taken into account then we must respect their boundaries too. Restoring a broken relationship takes time and patience...and a good deal of restraint. As the "injuried party" in this matter we tend to see things in our terms...and in what we want and expect from contact with WH...but really no one walks away from an affair unscathed...we all bear our scars...including WS and OP...and we all need time to heal. Unfortunately the marriage must heal at the same time and this can cause conflict between the parties. Given time and commitment all can heal and perhaps be better then they were before.<P>gdc:<P>I don't think you can really receive an answer to your questions because no one knows that but your WS....but I think replying in kind to her...returning kindness and attention with same should bear more fruit then LB for whatever reason she is being nice...time to get in some extra Plan A points...while the time is ripe. You should eventually find out what she's feeling.<P>Faye<BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited August 15, 2001).]

sorry, gdc. I'll have to agree with the others. Trying to figure it out will drive you nuts. If it makes you feel better, I have this same list in my journal at least 10 times over the last 13 weeks.

As a WS I agree....don't read too into it. But, in regards to your question about the OM's wife being told. In almost all cases when a woman finds out her husband was cheating she's willing to forgive him and pushes towards working on the marriage. With men it's not near as common. More men will file for divorce after finding out their spouse cheated. So if the OM's wife were to find out there is a good chance he'd break it off with your wife, if he hasn't already. Not sure if you doing the telling is the best thing though.

well this makes it unanimous amongst the ws, just leave us alone we don't know what we want (except that we DON'T want to go back to how it was), and we sure don't want to be quizzed re our motivations. Your job is simple (and incredibly difficult), just be the best gdc you can be, do your plan a/b boundary stuff as you see fit, and let us decide for ourselves what we want. We are not unreasonable, and can be dealt with in a civil manner usually. We absolutely do not want you analyzing us and deciding how to act based on that, we just want you to be whoever you feel good being.....ya get it?

To all the WS's, thanks for the input, i will use it wisely but I have one question. You say just take it as it comes and don't expect something more based on a good day. Well how can we as BS's know when the time is right to ask for more? Will you as WS's not think that if we don't ask at the right time, you will feel like we aren't getting it?<BR>When is it right and when is it wrong?<P>And for BonnieSept, how would you suggest I tell the OM's W?<BR>Should I get someone to do it for me? and will they not realize it??

GC - I can't add anything, except to validate how easy it is to get sucked into the analyzing mode.<P>To SNL - I postulate that "unreasonableness", just like a lovebuster, is in the eyes of the beholder. My wife may think she's being reasonable, but she's the only one. I'll bet most WSs are the same on this one until they wake up - if not, there's nothing to wake up from. Thus, if you believe you're being reasonable, maybe you're not fully awake yet. No disrespect intended, just radical honesty.<P>WAT

WAT, <BR>I do see your point on unreasonableness. It seems that my W thinks she is reasonable and I think not. In fact nothing she does has nay reason to it, she just does. She lives for the day and doesn't look ahead. Hopefully with prayers she will be able to see through the fog and actually find reason and purpose in what she does. <P>For example, she dropped off our other dog last night to play w/ our new one. When she dropped him off she stayed<BR>5 minutes max. then went to work out. When she came back to get him, I had cooked dinner as a surprise and she couldn't stay. So she ate a chicken leg and drank some soda. I asked her if she would like to go to the preseason local NFL game and she said maybe if she didn't go to a concert out of town. I has also bought her a nice sweater that we saw shopping on Saturday. It was a surprise and I had attached a small note to it. But she seemed happy and said thanks and took it. I had never really bought her clothes in the past, so I am trying to meet that need and it's a big one for her I think. It shows finanacial, affection and giving. She was always the giver in her mind and I was the taker. I gave but in different ways such as handyman work and yard work, stuff like that.<P>There is never any reason, but everything happens for a reason????

Is it just me or do other BS's feel like this consumes your <BR>every minute, hour, day, week, month, etc.? <BR>I don't know if I can shake it, feel like I'm losing my mind<P>When does this feeling start to go away?<BR>It seems like as long as we Plan A, it will always be<BR>our last thought before we drift off asleep, <BR>and our first thought when we awake not to mention in our dreams.

gdc:<P>It can be really all-consuming. Ever since D-day (May 21 or so this year), I'll bet I haven't gone more than 15 or 30 minutes without thinking about it. It really is just out of my control, both the thinking about it and the situation itself. The best thing I can say is keep your mind sharp, take those Plan A opportunities when you think you've got them, and don't have any expectations from her, just from you for yourself.<P>zen