It could be only my mine plaing tricks on me, but....<P>Do you think it is posibble for WS and OP to be setting me up to LB? Sort of a test to see if I am snooping. I just get that feeling. Paranoid? i don't know. <P>any feedback will help. i have that sinking feeling that the rollercoaster is speeding up for a big drop.

Boy have I been there and still am. OW stands out on the street in front of my house and it drives me crazy, because she is just doing it to flaunt herself in front of us!!!!<BR>Talk about LBing. I was doing it continously. Til I realized she's only making herself out to be the fool. <P>DON'T LB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DON'T FALL FOR THOSE GAMES. It will only slow your progress down.

Hi,<P>Yes, not only is it possible, but it happened to me. OW called the house, and stalked me, and she got the desired effect in that I LB'd, but it made her lose a lot of face. He couldn't believe she would do that.<P>And your WS will definitely try to cause you to LB because it justifies his decision to have the A (in his own mind - see, she hasn't changed...she's a b**** etc).<P>As to them planning it together, well it depends I suppose on how threatened SHE feels...I think that's why th OW did it to me. He may go along with it because he is in the fog.<P>SO DON'T give them the satisfaction!!!<P>Nina

M&J and Nina Too,<P>thanks for your responses and support it helps!! i am trying to post here instead of LB to W. it nice to know i not as crazy as i am feeling right now.<P>i have always thought OM was trying to make me LB. in the past OM even called house to speak with W and then within 20 minutes was in the front yard looking over my shoulder at my W. I didn't even know who he was at first!<P>boy this is tough (as i know you know) setting back and letting things like this happen. I find my self justifying it as OM last-ditch effort to get between W and I. Maybe this way i can stop from LBing.<P>

Hi Positive,<P>Could be but you could 'kill it with kindness'. I think you already know that. For me it drove OW nuts when I went to plan b and showed less emotion. I am not sure about OMs but OWs thrive on pushing the BS to the emotional limit. <P>When I set my boundaries it mad OW mad. She warned H that I was getting cool and business like to watch me closely to see what I would do next. Was that an OW LB? Yep, see the obedient H did start watching me closely, close enough to make him want to come home. H made his first attempt 1 week later (too premature) but an attempt none the less. Eventually that lead to more attempts and he is home now. <P>Does the OW know she did this? Don't know, don't care and won't tell her.....LoL!!!!<P>L.

I imagine you can play it cool and still Plan A?? Any comments?<P>I want to approach W about No Contact and not returning to work w/ OM in Sept. But can't find my way clear to do it.

Just a thought here, and bump you back up to get some other opinions.<P>Yes you can stay in Plan A, and should. Keep cool too.<P>You can present your wishes in a very calm, non-LB way. Try to present your wishes in a way that will meet her needs. think of her. Say that It hurts you. But don't whine. Don't beg. Just make your request. ask for feedback and see if you can come up with an agreement. Braistorm - maybe you two can come up with a compromise of some kind. This is POJA. And don't push her. Present your wishes, talk about it calmly, be careful, and drop it when you need to.

Faith1,<P>thanks! i agree, sounds like the best way to handle. plan A full tilt. thanks for the support. yesterday i was on the edge of doing a big LB as i have in the past. feels like i am getting some control. if not over the situation at least my actions. you know....walking on egg shells here.<P>last night I asked W "what is the start date for return to work." she said "hopefully i don't have to return there." W said she "may be able to trade with someone at another work location." i left it at that for now.<P>i really believe the OM is trying to set me up to LB big time with W over his continued deposit of money into W account (re: my other post). it appears W does not know about OM latest deposit. you know how ya can tell.<P>i guess/hope it's a good sign that she had already thought about trading positions so she doesn't have to work with OM.<BR>i don't want to push. but i feel if i don't she may think it's ok with me if she returns to work w/ om.

I have a question about being set up too? I am the wife of Sad_n_lonely. He is having a EA & PA with OW since June of 2000. The OW lives 2000 miles away. We in Michigan and she in Arizona. He had a 10day PA with her when he and our family went out to Arizona to see his ailing dad. The OW I was told dumped my H. I am not sure of this, now, because of his actions. He just communicated to her 4 days ago. He told Jennifer in counseling Monday that he had to leave her a voicemail to finish unfinished business. Husband and I talked about this earlier that I would of liked to be there when he left the voicemail. Well he chose to do it while myself and our one son went shopping to get ready for school and camp. I told him thank you for telling me, but yes I was sad and why didn't he let me choose to decide if I wanted to be present with his voice mail or not. He said he didn't want to hurt my feelings with what he had to say. So what did he say. I asked and of course it was the same ol same ol stuff. But what was said that he didn't tell me. He wasn't being thoughtful of me and only of himself and OW. <P>The question is he wants the OW H to know about the EA & PA. I was adamant about telling the OW H too, but like humans do, I changed my mind. I just want her out of my life and they work on their marriage and we work on our marriage. Jennifer wants this over with so we can move on with the path. H says to me constantly, I don't know if this marriage will work. He says he still loves the OW, and like all have said it was fantasy and euphoria he doesn't feel that way, he said these were true feelings. I talked to the OW 2 or 3 times now on the phone now, not my intent to talk to her, I hate her. She said if the information gets sent to her H she will commit suicide. Let her commit suicide, one less person to deal with on earth, one less person to screw up families. (This is the OW 2nd <BR>EA & PA.) She manipulated me into doing what she wanted, and I feel let her have her way. My H is telling me if I loved him, I would do what he feels is right. That if I don't do this, how is he to trust me in the future for a crisis. H*ll I went through a miscarriage, moved many times with very young children, worked with death in the hospital, and nursing care, and basically lived on very little money to feed and clothe family and buy diapers. I am quite frugal and have made ends meet. Does this sound like a person that can't handle stress. Maybe there is a breaking point. But what he is doing now is putting stress on me that I won't fit his fitting if I don't do this. Why doesn't he speak poorly of the OW of not fitting and all with all that she has done to him. Not once has he said anything bad about her. But let her hear the words he called me (cussing words), and how he belittled me during his balistic times. Now that is over. That is why I thought last night about this, that this may be a plot put on by the two of them, or alone by only my H to try to get his spiritual wife back. I am talking to someone on the boards by phone. I asked her the same question, and she said yes that it could be for that sake. She said she doesn't understand why he is so adamant about me telling. She said she wasn't sure.<P>Talking to Jennifer, she stated to H that why should I tell the OW H, when he and the OW had the affair? My H is the only person that I have ever had sex with. I married with vows through richer and poorer, better or worse till death do us part. I feel H is coercing me into doing his dirty work. Jennifer said on the phone this week, that if H did the dirty work that the OW would surely be mad at him. She would hate him. I feel that my H is now forcing me to do this dirty work for H and OW sake. I feel that he wants me to be the dirty guy, so that H and OW will get back together. When the information about how physical it was and emotional, that the H will get rid of his wife, cause this is her 2nd affair, and then my H will ride on his white horse with all the armoir and pick up his beautiful loving spritual wife (spiritual wife - have paper where H typed on computer that he considers the OW his spiritual wife).<P>Help me to figure this out. Maybe I am so insecure in this relationship and looking for all the negatives. I don't know. I found out about the affair in February of 200l. Then l l/1 weeks ago H told me it was a PA while we were in Arizona. So I had to deal with 2 set backs. This has been hard to deal with knowing my H was naked with another woman exploring each others bodies. I feel that the thoughtfulness is not there. He doesn't feel thoughtful towards me, but is being thoughtful towards the OW. Help me, I am so stressed out.

THinker,<BR>I have been on the boards for a month and 1/2 now, but I haven't followed yours and snl's stories very closely. I only recently started paying a little attention. snl knows this, but he used to get on my nerves, PROBABLY because he sounds like what my husband probably feels, and makes me angry.<P>Do you read his posts? THis one particularly caught my attention, and in a very positive way. THis was from Resilient's thread about her counseling with Steve.<P><B>res, and misery, and the rest of you who are abandoned, you break my heart. I just wish I could do or say something to make it all better. Maybe the best thing I can do is tell you I won't abandon my wife of 28 years....I can't say how it will all end up, but she (and I) will have made a good faith effort to reconcille. It means making myself vulnerable again to her, and I don't like doing that, but I am. How much of that is a result of being here, and reading your stories I do not know, but it makes a difference.</B><P>ANother pots of snl's that got my attention was his reply in Sad Dad's Question about EA's thread.<P>I understand your feelings of frustration, fear, anger, mis-trust, regret, bitterness, etc. many etc's, right? What I do is work my darndest to forgive my H, and I ask God to help me with this EVERY DAY. It's a renewal process EVERY DAY. I realize that I am not perfect, and perhaps the little things I've done throughout the years to my H hurt him just as bad as what he's done to me, by having an affair. From HIS persective. I respect his opinion and feelings enough to be willing to work on myself and ADMIT (yuck!!!) that I screwed up. I wasn't a terrible wife, and I think even if I was, it STILL wouldn't justify and affair.<P>I'm so proud that snl is here and in counseling. I'm sure you are aware of how many WS's are NOT willing to do this. Please try to forgive - although cautiously move forward in letting snl earn his trust back with you. I saw in another post that snl believes that No Contact is necessary, so I want to believe that he is following this principle.<P>I think that if you choose to believe that you are being set up, you are only frustrating yourself, living in fear and mis-trust.<P>We are here for you to vent or ask questions ANYTIME. I hope my reply has helped you in some way - maybe even a tiny bit. Give this some time. It took you 2 a long time to get to this point in your marriage, and an affair is a BIG injury to heal, but is possible. Love, patience, hope.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited August 16, 2001).]

Faith 1 - H can express some sort of love to me on the computer, but in real it is different. Talked to someone on the phone about this, she reads his posts all the time. She and I talked, and this was noted to me. I think in the last 2 weeks, I have only heard 'I love you' once, maybe. But to talk about the OW, he has no problem saying that he loves her. He continuously says he has great feelings towards her. Maybe he is making headway, I still am stressed out and with finding out it was a PA just 1 1/2 weeks ago, I am numb and raw. This is so hard to take, knowing my H has had sex with another woman married to me. Would be nice to talk to someone on a daily basis to help me. To cry on their shoulder and all. H doesn't want me to tell anyone. My H is not one that I really know now. He has been touched by another woman in a sexual way, and I feel he is contaminated. And still feel that he is waiting for her to divorce her H. <P>The pain and hurt is so strong in me, I read the posts you brought back on your post, yes he says on the computer these things, but to me my ears hear nothing. So it could be just to let you all feel he is trying, but in real it is different. I am totally confused and feel low low low low low. H told me yesterday that if I feel this way that he is plotting with the OW, why do I want him. I said that you are in a deep fog, and I do love you, but if this is for real I don't want you. I said you can go to your OW and live sinfully or whatever. <P>The WS and OP seem to us BS to be disrespectful people. Time will heal but during the healing process, the WS seem to diminish our feelings in a hurtful way. I experience this quite a bit. As BS people, we know how deceitful these people are, how they don't care about hurting our feelings, all they want is me me me me. So I can see why BS feel plots are being set. I felt this way many times, and still feel this way. Now if the WS were truly thoughtful and caring towards their BS spouse, the feelings would subside. But like most BS see, their WS spouse can't totally focus on their spouse. This causes angst among us BS and feeling of rejection everyday. How may BS would love to have their WS totally devote an entire day to their loving spouse and no one else? I would! Come back to reality, it won't happen. Boy does life suck! WS - be thoughtful and caring to your spouse and work hard at it, only way to make us BS feel safe in due time.