Read your post on another thread about your 'trial reconciliation' where you came home, but kept apt. i have been considering offering this up at the right time to my S (have been separated for 5 weeks-me in apt. close to house).<P>i think it is too soon now, but i am trying to keep up a good Plan A, and we have started counseling.<P>I would love to know more about how you accomplished what you did, especially how you approached the reconciliation.<P>Thanks.

Although I'd like this to be a short answer... I'm doubting it will end up that way (lol).<P>I am the BS, my H is the WS. I had kicked him out of our house in early February (just over a week after he had told me that he no longer wanted to be married to me anymore). H went through hell (to say the least) trying to find somewhere to live. I didn't give a crap at the time, I was madder than blazes, and dealing with being pregnant with our twin sons (who were born 11 days after I kicked him out).<P>By March, I finally looked into this site. I had been told about it in mid to late February, but wasn't ready to even take a peek at it yet. After spending hours and hours and hours reading and re-reading the articles and Q&A section, I decided to give plan A a try.<P>I am the first to admit that I didn't do a very good job. My biggest problem was omitting LBing from my actions. Things would be going good between H and I (as far as talking rationally and spending time together with the kids), then I would catch him in a lie (usually by snooping), and retaliate bigtime.<P>It got to the point where I just had to move into plan B. I waited for things to get good again, and before I could LB further, I initiated a mini plan B (I call it that, b/c of the need he and I had to talk b/c of the kids... who are now 2 yrs old and 6 mos old x 2).<P>After not even a full day of plan B, my H asked me out of the blue if I would be willing to pack up with the kids and move away with him. I told him yes, within a reasonable time limit (to pack, etc). That led to an almost allnighter of talking about so many things. He was out of the 'fog' for the longest I had seen in months! We even ended our night in bed together. That was the start on our road to recovery.<P>By that time, H had an apt. Neither of us wanted him to move in right away, so we had agreed to take it day by day. By his apt being there, there was always that 'out' I mentioned, should things have gone sour. As it turned out, he stayed here every night but one in that 1 1/2 months he still had the place. <P>I think what made the difference, was that it was HIS choice to stay. I would remind him that he always had the option to go to his place, but I would love him to stay with me.<P>I also think it was a great thing that he still had his apt. To me, it made me feel better knowing that he was choosing to stay with me b/c he wanted to.. not b/c he had to.<P>We still had some arguments during that time, and I felt like I was walking on glass every moment. On June 21st (our 4th wedding anniversary), I found out that he was still in contact with OW#1 via emails. Needless to say, I was not impressed. But thanks to here, I was able to approach him in as much of a non-LBing fashion as I could. I suggested that he may want to go back to his place until he could end all contact with her. He said, "is that what you want me to do? go back to my apt?". I told him, "no. not if you're willing to end it with Kym".<P>Again, he chose to stay. From that night on, he has had absolutely no contact with her whatsoever (whew!), although she has tried to get in touch with him (by requesting authorization on his icq).<P>It was July 9th that we moved all of his things back home. We were still very nervous, but now, not even 1 1/2 months later, those bad vibes are gone. I am personally pretty sure that that has mostly to do with the fact that the other women are out of the picture... for good! (those *****es! augh!!.. sorry.. had to say it.. hehehe).<P>I hope this wasn't too long. I hope this helps some.<P>Karen<P><BR>

Thanks so much for the quick reply. Guess my situation is a little different.<P>She asked me to leave, which i did after much back and forth, pleading etc. that backfired as usual. i think i have been doing a good Plan A so far, even some small signs of warming up from her. Hard part is to do it from afar as we see each other about 4 times a week, but they are short visits.<P>i have considered asking her to lunch, but it feels too soon. i am also thinking of suggesting we spend labor day together as a family.<P>Uggh this is hard, but i'm in it for the long haul i think. Give me patience.

I don't have any luck doing searches on here for previous posts, and I am not familiar with your story.<P>Who is the BS and who is the WS?<P>Karen<BR>

I am the BS, she is the WS. The story is long-she asked for separation about 2 months ago, somewhat out of the blue. Last year was very tough for us-she went through bout with anorexia, then alcohol. She is in recovery now and has been sober since March.<P>The year took a toll on us both, and we drifted apart. I am certainly not perfect, and did my share-withdrawing, silence, anger. But, i was aslo very supportive, especially during the anorexia. There were some times i thought she might not make it.<P>Her complaint is the love you, not in love one. She wants time and space, and i have given her that. She has our 2 kids in the house. i agreed to that as best thing for the kids (it is), but it still stings me as so unfair. If she wanted the sep, she should have left. Oh well.<P>We have been separated 5 weeks. i have been working Plan A, and have seen some mild warming on her part. I strongly suspect EA betwen her and her boss (bad idea in any world), who i see clearly as her 'father', someone she can confide in. Think he is recently divorced. It may be a PA, but i don't know. i asked her about it, and she flatly denied, saying now is not the time for either of us to be in a relationship. She honestly may not see it that way, i'm not sure.<P>i decided not to confront her again, to continue giving her time and space, Plan A'ing when i can (not easy when separated). We are seeing a counselor, and alst session went well. Said at end she felt some 'compassion' for me. i pray every night for patience and strength for me, and clarity for her.<P>i could forgive the EA or PA, but she will get into something and then get hurt by it and spiral. She has an addictive personality, and sex would be the next way for her to act out after food and alcohol. She is estranged from her parents, who think she is making a mistake. She really has nobody to guide her except her therapist, who i suspect pushed her to the separation.<P>What i want to do is to allow a few more weeks, some more therapy, then ask for some dates with her-she mentioned when we separated we should do that.<P>i am focusing on myself, have been in therapy and on medication for depression, which seems to be working well. Probably had low-grade depression over last year, which i'm sure contributed to the problem.<P>i have been told by more than one person that someone in recovery from alcoholism should not make any major life changes the first year, and that this type of behavior is common in recovery<P>My problem of course is that i cannot say any of this to her as it would be a major LB and she would not hear it, or discount it.<P>That's about it-sorry for the length.<P>Thanks.

Although it may feel like an eternity, 5 weeks really isn't that long to be living apart. I know that in my situation (as well as with at least one more person on here in recovery), that separating from each other was the best thing we could have done for our marriages.<P>IMO, the fact that she has the kids with her, probably makes it more difficult for you to plan A. I know we shouldn't use the kids as pawns in all of this, but they really do make a world of difference. <P>I do agree with you, that it's unfair that you be the one who moved out. I'm really not too sure how many BS's on here are the ones who moved out. The majority of cases have the WS move out.<P>I really don't have much advice for you on how to work towards moving back in together.. other than the usual don't push it with her. I guess, if you have her and the kids over to your place sometime, it would give you the opportunity to invite her to stay overnight (even if you're on the couch). But you have to go with you gut feelings here, and what feels right at the time.<P>Karen