Just looking for some quick advice/comments. I won't go into details other than this - OW pursued me (we were both married) until she got me. She said she never wanted to get serious, but then did everything to ACT like she was getting serious. Then, out of the blue, harshly dumped me.<P>I never would have cheated on my wife if I wasn't pursued so hard. Unfortunately I fell in love with her and that's when I caved (not an excuse, there is none for cheating I know that) and started having the affair.<P>It ended 4 months ago and I have been going through hard withdrawal ever since. I never got closure. And she said things about me through emails (that's how she ended it) that weren't even true.<P>I have come out of the fog and things are ok and slowly improving. I know I am not over her, but would actually like to be.<P>Today I get an email from her and it's her apologizing for how it ended. It was short. She added how she is doing and asked how I was doing. I want to answer her so bad.<P>For the women out there, does this mean she is still thinking about me ? Does this mean she would make another play if I emailed her one time just to say thanks for the apology ? Or is it just a case of guilt and clearing her conscience ?<P>Thanks for the replies.

Please put her e-mail in your trash bin on your computer. Yes she is still thinking of you. She is a siren that is going to end up bringing about your emotional if not physical destruction. I am sorry to be harsh but it is easy to ignite a flame that has not been extinquished.

<B>I have come out of the fog and things are ok and slowly improving. I know I am not over her, but would actually like to be.</B><P>If you mean what you wrote, then stay out of the fog...throw the email away...if you can block her address from emailing you, do it...change your acct screen name...<P>BTW...this is Marriage Builders...did you really expect anyone to say "yeah, sure contact her?" You might want to read the Basic Concepts of this site if you haven't already done so...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

Obviously you still had feelings for her when she dumped you harshly--as you put it. What a user and a loser! Get rid of that e-mail and change your preferences so that any more incoming e-mails from her will be automatically deleted and do not even read them! She is bad news and probably just wants to see if she can still manipulate you and control you like she did in the past. YUCK 5 TIMES!<P>Why open another can of worms? You know the right thing to do. What makes you think she won't do the same thing to you again? Suck you in and then spit you out? She's probably just horny. She probably went through a few jerks and realized that you might be a good catch after all...<P>Please, focus on your marriage. Enough bad choices already--now is the time to start rebuilding on good choices so you can get some good consequences to follow.<P>If you can't change your preferences to delete all her future e-mails, then try to get your e-mail address changed. If that is not possible, then delete all her notes without even opening them. That is the only way to protect yourself from your own weaknesses. FEAR HER!!!!!!!!<P>Everything you want and need in a woman is right there at home. Water your own grass, it'll get green too!

I think she's trying to see if she still has any emotional hold over you. Don't take the bait. After all as my counselor is fond of saying- the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Another thing he told my H who broke up with OW at least 6 times and kept going back to her- GET CONTROL OF YOUR THOUGHTS BECAUSE THEY LEAD TO YOUR FEELINGS WHICH LEAD TO YOUR ACTIONS. I hope this $90 worth of free advice helps ya! lifeismessy

It means she is still thinking of USING you, not that she is serious about anything. I sort of doubt that she experiences things like guilt just from what you told us. I would toss the email and maybe even block her if you can. <P>You have come this far from recovering from a severely DESTRUCTIVE relationship, don't throw all that work away and just have to start over next month when she decides to dump you again. Please don't give in to your emotions.

Throw it away<BR>Throw it away<BR>Throw it away<BR>Throw it away<P><BR>Change email address<BR>Change email address<BR>Change email address<BR>Change email address<P>Why do you ask? you know what we'll say...........<BR>

Be proud that you have had no contact and KEEP it that way. I know it's hard. My ex best friend who had an affair with my H used to stop in to use their phone, find boxes, etc. at his office when he was the only one there. This was the same person who months before swore nothing happened and she had no interest in him (but in fact had sex with him and was IN MY BED with him). I always appreciated him telling me these things. It would have been hard for me if I found out elsewhere. So keep strong and do the right thing!

If you have contact ...you start all over at ground ZERO...<BR>Who wants to go back to the scene after spending 4 mos in a progressive "enlightenment". Doesn't matter how she ended it... It's over . Stay clear of the dreaded fog...<BR>D2K

You've gotten a kinda harsh reception. Please don't take it personally. Many here are struggling with spouses who WILL NOT break off contact with the OP and they are responding from their own pain and frustration.<P>I did a quick search for your previous posts and couldn't find them (server's slowing down - didn't try the full search) so I'm going to assume that you haven't gotten the welcome yet.<P>Welcome to MB, sorry you have to be here.<P>The following link is a starting point for understanding this site and how to use it to rebuild your marriage.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders</A><P>You have a lot of reading to do BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE!<P>The main site will help you understand how much PAIN an affair causes to everyone involved. It will also help you understand reasons that led to your affair in the first place, and also WHY YOU CAN NEVER CONTACT OW EVER AGAIN. Plus, you will see a process for building a marriage that no one would want to leave.<P>If you still care for OW, save her and her family this pain. They need to recover from this as well. From your post it sounds like she made the first steps in that direction by "harshly dumping" you. I hope you're not asking us if there's still hope for your relationship. THERE ISN"T.<P>One of the key elements of rebuilding your marriage is telling your wife about the affair. It will be HER decision whether she wants to work on it. You will need to understand the Marriage Builder principles BEFORE you tell her so that you can offer her a way back to a good marriage. <BR>Send her to this site as well, it helps to have both sides of the story.<P>Please keep coming back and asking questions. There are many people here who will help you on this LONG path back. As we get to know you better our advice will become more helpful.<P>--Jeffers<p>[This message has been edited by jeffers (edited August 16, 2001).]

Have some dignity. <P>She dumped you -- badly, meanly, uncaringly.<P>How much control do you want this woman to have over you?<BR>You're gonna let her just pop back into your life?<BR>You want to just send her a quick e-mail to let her know you are good? To hell with that. Let her wonder. Does it seem like she's been real concerned with you?? She waits 4 months? I dont think so.<P>If she regrets what she did -- good. But for you to bite on it is WRONG.<P>I personally think this is about control. She wants to stroke her ego with making you jump.<P>Women are evil. Especially to each other. Maybe she just wants to win another little battle against your wife. To prove that she can just snap her fingers and have you come running.<P>Maybe its time to give your wife the victory. Show this woman that she can't control you. Here's what I think you should do:<P>TELL YOUR WIFE about the email. Show her. Let her in. Let your wife decide how to handle it. Use this as a way to make your relationship with your wife stronger. If she wants you to respond back to OW, let her dictate it word for word.<P>(hard to believe I am a WS huh? lol)<P><p>[This message has been edited by Lexxxy (edited August 16, 2001).]

Hello, whatalife and <B>welcome to MB</B> <P>Everything I wanted to say to you and more has already been covered here quite thoroughly and nicely by those who have already posted. I am glad to see that you came here and are seeking help!<P>I was also a wayward spouse. I know the loop this must have thrown you for. But, it is up to you to stay focused. Email is just like the phone but better. You can screen those who want to communicate with you and respond to the ones you want to and ignore the others. You do need to trash this email. <P>Don't even consider re-reading it, don't ponder the possible positives of answering it, and <I>least</I> of all should you be concerned about whether or not this woman still cares for you. What she feels for you is no longer of any consequence - her feelings for you have <B>NO PLACE</B> in you and your W having a happy and successful marriage from here on out. <P>It sounds to me like you still have some residual feeling for her. Chalk that up as normal, but don't do anything to nurture it. Stay focused on your goal of healing your marriage and the hurt you caused your wife. You have too much to lose.<P><B>DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELETE! DELEEEEETE!!!! </B> lol<P>Come back and let me know how you did. (Not that I'm your new parole officer, but we all just wanna help here )<P>Khyra<p>[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited August 16, 2001).]

Whatalife, <BR>Speaking as a woman, I can tell you that this girl is bad news and is not going to change her ways. She is playing serious games with you and your emotions for her benefit. It seems to me that the reason that she pursued you is the very fact that you are married. It is my opinion, and experience in the past though not with married men, that she has some big insecurity issues and uses people's emotions to feel better about herself. She saw you as a challenge and felt that if she could get you to fall in love with her, she would win. The prize, a boost to the ego. Then when she got what she wanted, she had no use for you anymore and that's what may have made it easy for her to drop you the way she did. I'm sure you are not the only one she's done this to. I can tell you right now, it seems as though she is starting to feel insecure again, for some reason or another, and is looking to you to boost it. Then when she is feeling good again, she'll do the same thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging the OW, I am just telling you how some of us women think and why we do things. She wants to know if you still think about her because she wants that security of knowing that she has you at her disposal. She may not do this intentionally, but your poor heart seems has been hurt because of this, not to mention the effect on your marriage and family. My advice to you, though it may be hard to do, don't let her back in. She will do it again. Don't respond to her email and as it was said in a previous reply, change your email address. Don't tell her that you still think about her and don't ask how she is doing. This woman has nothing good for you. She'll send you mixed messages until she hears what she wants and then she's got you where she wants you again. I hope this helps. <BR>Guilty01

Please dont respond to her! I beg you : ))

If you really want to get past this, put the energy you are wasting on her, onto your marriage. I can't help it, but it rubbed me the wrong way when you said you would never have cheated on your wife if she hasn't pursued you so hard. Come on! I think you're in denial about your marital problems. Hasn't your wife noticed your depression over this affair? I think you guys need to get things on the table. Don't respond to the OW email, but don't chalk it up to an affair because she chased you either. Get to work on what is wrong in the first place. By blaming the OW, you may be missing important stuff. And who is to say there won't be another woman chasing you in the future? You've got to figure out why you made yourself "catchable" Good luck

Welcome Whatalife:<P>I don't know how long you've been reading this board but if it has been very long then you should have been exposed to the idea that an affair is like an addiction....and like an addiction it takes time to break free of...but the worse thing that you can do is to tempt fate by contacting OW again after you have moved into a period where you are beginning to recover from the addiction.<P>Time makes no difference....my Wh and his OW were separated by both time and distance...and he thought he was over her...but she too was the pursurer and has come back time again even when he has told her it is over. I think she likes the idea that he cannot get over her and she comes back to exert her power over him again and again. It must be a powerful feeling to have someone that addicted to you. But each time the addiction has lasted less and less time before he was sick of her. <P>He told me that the last time this all started up again, he met her at the airport and they shook hands....like the friends he thought they had evolved into. But soon it was off and running again.<P>You've done the hard part...the withdrawal...now keep it up...like they say....one day at a time. Remember what is really best for you....and it's not OW....although it may feel like it is for just a minute. It will pass if you just ignore her and can the e-mail. Less hurt all around.<P>Faye

whatalife,<P>wow what a great opportunity to to the right thing!<P>if it were me, id take the opportunity to be honest and open with my wife, invite her to respond to OW if she would like with our blessing and based on her response either forward the mail to her account so she could personally respond, and reply with a copy of the (and i am sure you have one right?) no contact letter cc: to your wife.<P>that way the OW get the message that your committed to your wife, will tell her when she contacts you and understands that no contact means no contact.<P>or you could start all the hell youve been experiancing all over again and indulge.<P>doesnt seem like much of a decision to me, but then again thats me.<P>------------------<BR>in loving service<BR>chaz