Thank you for responding to my thread. It was discouraging though. I feel I got over MOST of the controlling, verbally abusive behavior early in our marriage. But, some of it remained. Especially in light of my wifes affair. I was always frustrated. She rarely approached me sexually. Never really gave up the other guy.<P>Do you have any suggestions for me? What can I do to help my W fel safe and trust me?

JB,<P>Do you mind if I chime in? Speak gently, and with love. Let your actions speak for you. Stay consistent - abuse is cyclic, whether it is verbal or physical. Maybe even bring some material home for the wife to read. <P>Abusive behavior isn't right, of course - but from experience I know that certain people end up in abusive relationships repeatedly. Without realizing, some victims get out of one and jump right into another. I know, I did.<P>And I know that there are some things that I can control. I can watch the cycles, and see and anticipate the blow up, and by knowing this I think I feel more trusting of myself. <P>That is why I thought maybe bringing some material home for her to read might help.<P>Pardon the intrusion! You are doing very well. <P>How did you learn to stop the abusive behavior? Maybe I can learn something from you?

TNT, You are always welcome to "chime in". The biggest help to me was Patricia Evans books. Although I read them early on and they did not register. Unfortunately, the shock of the infidelity also "helped".

Hi,<P>Have you talked with your W about how truly sorry and remorseful you are? My X would be remorseful, but if I didn't accept him back right away he went back to his old ways. It just didn't come from the heart.<P>I think your W needs to stop being so selfish. I think she is abusing you emotionally. I don't know how you can live knowing she is still in contact. I would go nuts.<P>I know I'm not helping. Sorry!<P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P>

LK,You ARE SO being helpful!!!!Yes, I've tried and tried to tell her how sorry I am. It seems as if she blames her infidelity on my verbal abuse. I've never been able to escape the effects of my behavior. Here it is 1999. And, she continually reminds me of what I did in '85. I am not in a cyclic stage; there is no snake waiting to rear it's ugly head. The VA was LONG ago defeated. Would'nt I get pretty darn abusive about her affair continuing under my nose if I still had that in me? It's gone.........