I'll vent to you instead of to her.<P>Thanks in advance.<P>The following is a piece of an e-mail I got from her yesterday that was mostly about settling some expenses:<P>"Again, I will not fight over money, but I also don't want to be taken advantage of because I have to be able to support <son>. We can do it any way you want. Let's just both follow the same rules."<P>Taken advantage of? <BR>Follow the same rules? <P>Give me a f****** break!!!!!<P>Who took advantage of whom?<BR>Who chose not to follow the rules?<P>AAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>WAT

WAT,<P> I know what you mean. My wife is the same way. THey say they aren't going to fight you over something and then she turns right around and does it anyway.<P>Indy

<P><p>[This message has been edited by OffOnOnOff (edited August 16, 2001).]

WAT:<P>I really am having a hard time figuring this one out. I think it might be some kind of extreme selfishness motivated by fear.<P>I think your W will come out of the fog one day. Maybe not soon, but it will happen. It will not be pleasant for her. Who knows what role you will then play, if any.<P>Take care of yourself, bud.<P>zen

You didn't reply. Right????<P>Figure it out??? Yeah, right. <P>I hope Letterman's staff never finds this site. We'd never hear political humor ever again.<P>Hope your day improves.<P>--Jeffers

zen - There's no doubt in my mind that she knows dern well that she's at my mercy if she files. The following is a portion of an e-mail I got from a family member of her's:<P>"I think it is crystal clear to her how much you love her, how much you are willing to fight for your marriage & family, & that if you weren't such a great guy that you could destroy her & tear her apart financially, emotionally, because you are superior at these divorce games, etc."<P>This person is suggesting I fold my tent nad give her the divorce, predicting that to do anything else would ensure she'll never come back. When the time comes, I'll consult the forum on some things I'm considering, but I do not want to pay for the college educations of the attorney's kids.<P>Jeffers - correct, I didn't reply to her "double standards" comments, but I did reply regarding some specific expenses in a business-like manner. The hypocritical comments are extremely blatant coming from my wife. She recently asked me to stop discussing "our problems" with a very close family friend. As calmly as I could, I responded that if she had not done this with OM, perhaps we'd be on the beach together this summer.<P>WAT

Yep Dave, double standard to the 10s. I would feel infuriated also. I'm so glad you're posting and venting here and not at your wife. <P>What I think your W is referring to is solely financial, not double stds regarding "cheating". But, being a BS myself, I would still feel pretty PO'd.<P>At the tail end of her email she says "we can do it any way you want". I think she's sincere about that, Dave. Perhaps you can work the financial arrangements where you are protecting yourself and son but in tandem demonstrate you are not tying to control her. I'm pretty sure from the posts/emails regarding your wife, she believes you try to control her. It's an LB to her. Even if it's not true, it's still her perception, which should matter to you. I've been taught that perception is 90%. Big ratio!<P>She has those infidelity blinders on when it comes to what she's doing, Dave. She sees herself and situation as special and not text book in any way. <P>You're doing good by venting here .. keep it up! <P>Jo<P>

Thanks, Jo - ya know, I am still really perplexed by this "control" thing.<P>She never made any accusations about that until recently and if I had been asked before that, I would have branded HER the controller in our marriage - and for "clinical" reasons - her mother was an alcoholic while she was growing up. SHE controlled our relationship and our family and my SILs used to urge me to stand up to her more.<P>So, what am I doing NOW to control her? Plan B?<P>Dave

It's very likely she may be using the "controller" spin on things now because Plan B allows her that justification. A way of lessening her guilt. Touting it to OM so he and she feel justified in what they are doing. A united front using a new convenient excuse (Plan B) for her perception.<P>But, to show her you are not what she says you are, simply allow the financial aspect of matters to be fair and equitable, which we all know you're already doing. <P>I know the anger you must be feeling, Dave. Kind of a slow burning pit inside of you, dealing with one hurtful thing after another.<P>What helped me was to write emails to my H, all of them full of anger and some rage. I never sent any of them, and I never will. But it helped me to get it outta my head, otherwise it would eat me alive.<P>Be well and keep the faith ....<P>Lv,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 16, 2001).]

Hi Jo - yep, I know she and OM use the "control" excuse since my encounter with him back in late June/early July (before Plan B) when he accused me of hiding money and being a controller. That was the very first time I heard that accusation. Last summer and thru last fall, her excuse was that I was "abusive." Funny, I don't hear that anymore.<P>I'm sure she and OM prop each other up with these excuses, just as the script dictates.<P>Regarding finances, I plan on following our separation agreement as to who pays for what. Basically, it's 50/50 for <son's> education, medical expenses, and childcare. I owe her a small amount for child support (less than her half of monthly childcare).<P>You know, it's not so much anger that I feel as much as it is frustration because of her reluctance to see her hypocrisy and even try to heal.<P>Thanks again,<BR>Dave

Dave,<P>When and IF the time comes, what about a mediator rather than an attorney for the divorce?