I made the mistake of telling one of my closest friends upon discovery of my H's A. (I really should have kept it all to myself and would advise anyone in that direction but I was SO emotional and devastated that I needed someone.) Now, four months later, she has really distanced herself from me, my H and my D because she says she can't stand being in the midst of lies. My H has never acknowledged that she knows the truth but he knows that she does. She basically figures we're all a bunch of phonies. I tried to explain to her that I'm working to save my marriage and of course she responded that there's nothing to save. Get out or both of you will never be happy is what she advises. In any case, it's still really hard to be without them. Any comments?

T - just like the standard dialogue among the WSs, friends and family members have their own script.<P>Yep, you can chuck it all, start a new life and eventually, probably heal.<P>This reminds me of how forest fire firefighters would fight a fire in your kitchen - they'd set a controlled back fire in your living room so the kitchen fire won't spread to the bedrooms. <P>Of course, I don't mean any disrespect here to the heroic fire fighters - I'm just trying to show that perfectly good solutions for some situations don't make sense in others.<P>WAT

Dear WAT, It's a little disappointing to know that this can happen so easily with people especially when you need them most. <P>

T - believe me, I know. Last summer when my wife's affair bloomed, one of her sisters was staying with us as she had in previous summers. As soon as she realized what was going on, she high tailed it to another relative's place several states away just to stay out of the mix. I was very disappointed.<P>WAT

I would wonder about the freindship. You say this was one of your closest freinds but was the feeling mutual?<BR>I dont feel she is in the midst of lies. As a friend she should be there for you to talk to, I say to and not with, she should just allow you an ear and not advice. To me, that is what a friend would do.<BR>I don't mean to sound like I"m bashing your friend too much but I think she's wrong.<BR>And, everyone needs someone to talk to and if we can't count on our friends to be that someone then who can we count on?

Terrified,<P>Same thing happened with me. I am very close to my SIL, and she suspects something, but said she doesn't want to get in the middle of it. Affairs are so twisted and sordid that friends and family don't want to get involved and don't want to believe it's true. <P>sad dad

Going through an A is one of the most traumatic experiences one could ever imagine. It is a true test of love and commitment and realization. It is also one of the quickest ways to find out who your REAL friends are.<P>IMO, a true friend, may still tell you their opinions about your decision to save your marriage, but they will respect your decision, whatever it may be.<P>If there's no respect there, then there isn't much of a friendship either.<P>I know how it hurts... we've lost many friends over all of this (and the passing of our son last September). But our true friends have shone brightly, and for them, we are truly grateful. <P>Karen<BR>

Terrified,<BR>I know it's not the same, but we are all here for you. I am very fortunate in that I have great friends. Oh sure, they're getting fed up with me being so down one day and so up the next. The fact is that all of us know what you're going through, and most of them don't. Unless you are faced with this situation, you can't possibly know what you would do. It's easy for all of them to say: "give it up, move on, you'll be better off." I wonder if they would say the same thing if they were faced with ending their lives as they know them? Do they consider what it would do to their children? There are so many things that even I didn't consider until faced with this situation. After my first H had his affair, kicked me and my infant son out and committed suicide 6 weeks later, as a result of his guilt, I said NEVER AGAIN would I put up with an affair. Yet, 16 years into my 2nd marriage, it's happened again. I am NOT giving this up without a FIGHT! I'm fighting for myself, for my children, and for my H. I'm fighting for the comfortable life that we had created for all of us. I don't want to EVER start over again. I'm 40 years old, and I am NOT interested in dating again, taking the time to find out all about another person. Tell your friend to go to HELL! I'm so sorry, I just get so angry with people that find it so easy to just say "give up." God wants marriages to last, or he wouldn't have created that union in the first place. Does he want us to be abused either verbally or physically, absolutely not. But I don't think he wants us to just "give up" either. I just keep praying that God will let me know when he wants me to stop trying. I don't think he's told me that yet. We're here for you. We understand ALL of it.

Hi Terrified.<P>I am lucky. I could not get through this ordeal without telling my closest friends. They have kept me together. I owe them everything. I'm sorry about your friend. Maybe it is just to much for her.

I lost an old friend, too, a friend that had been my best friend for 15 years....but the whole thing just served to point up to me how lacking our friendship really was...I had always been there for her whenever she need me but when I needed here she just wasn't there for me. <P>Her husband resented the fact that she was spending too much time with me and ask her to stop....and she did...totally....no word, no explanation...just stopped. And this is the husband she had complained about endlessly about how he abused her verbally and ran her down everytime he got a chance....the husband she had talked about leaving almost everytime we were together. <P>I haven't even heard from her in over a year. My other friends say that she was no loss, but it just seems sad to me that a person would give up a friendship just because her Husband was jealous of it.<P>I would even have understood if she wanted to spend more time with him to try and work on their marriage, but she just basically dropped me....and she is not the kind of person who makes friends easily....most people don't like her because they think she's ditsy. Oh, well...it's her loss...just like it's your friend's loss.<P>Faye<BR>

Terrified,<BR>I'm really sorry this has happened to you, personally I made the decision to confide in one person - and I decided it was going to be someone I respected their views, however it was also someone who I had worked with about 3 yrs ago, and only talked occasionslly via telephone or cards. I guess I have asked alot of her, but she has been very understanding, and if we do manage to sort things out my W will not have to, but could, see this person.<P>I think its unfortunate this has happened to you, however I think it just goes to show how alot of people view this whole area, and as has been said unless its happened to you, you really do not know what it is like. AND it's at times like this you really need their support.<P>Sorry I do not have anything to add that will actually help you, but my thoughts are with you, and if you feel unable to discuss it with anyone else, we are all here for you.<P>mands