Couple questions here...<P>Does the term HUSBAND or WIFE set you off? I am finding that in discussions with my H, he tends to talk very possessivly of me. "MY" "WIFE" <BR>Examples:<BR> you are MY WIFE and you need to stop this<BR> we are HUSBAND AND WIFE <BR> tell him to stop talking to MY WIFE<P>I absolutely cringe when I hear it. Part of it is the possessiveness. Part of it is that its like my only identity. I tend to dislike labels to begin with. And this one is really starting to set me off. (SNL -- its that feeling like property thing.)<P>Do any other WS hate this?<P>2nd question: It is a HUGE LB for me. Should I even bother telling H. And if so how? I tend to think I should just forget it. Its just another little thing that will crush him. But it drives me nuts.<P><BR>

Radical Honesty <P>You need to tell him in a non-LB way so that he can adjust to what you need. <P>My H completely agrees with me that a major factor in his affair was that he was "honest" with another woman, and not with me about his needs. <P>She was able to adjust her actions to suit him, and I, being lied to and denied the same information, was not able to do so.<P>So yes, it seems like a nit picky thing, but I think you should say something.<P>AND ~ when I started working with my Al-Anon sponsor, one of the first things she said to me was that I was NOT to refer to my H during meetings as "my alcoholic". She told me that it was incredibly disrespectful. He wasn't my possession and he wasn't my child or anything else.<P>Honestly, between you and I, I get an excited thrill to hear my husband refer to me as "my wife". But he doesn't say it in a possessive manner - one that I sense is making you nuts.<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Is he familiar with MB and would he know about the plan A approach to LB? If so, I would tell him, the feedback helps. I doubt that telling him can hurt any more than your cringing reaction when he uses those terms. All you need to say is that those specific terms annoy you, they increase your feelings of resentment, and that it's not in his best interest to use those terms. Or something to that effect.<P>If he is not on board with the MB approach, then telling him this is a "love buster" will not be productive. I went on for a week or so after D-day, not with directly possessive terms but things like "you promised", "you owe me a chance", and so forth. It was only when I read SAA, and it made sense, that I tried to get a handle on those feelings. I would try and get him understanding plan A before telling him about any particular LBs.<P>- Tom

Hi Lexxxy,<P>I am a BS, but have a question. Did your H just start using these titles/labels, or has he always used them (i.e., early on in the marriage)?<P>Jo

Resiliant -- <P>I think its only lately. Probably because things are so confrontational now.<P>He will be angry and say to me "YOU are MY WIFE...."<BR>(and all I can do is think to myself "ugh..not for long")<P>

Lexxxy:<P>I agree that this is the WRONG way to approach, or even think...<P>I've got a question for you: what could he do or how could he act that would make you regain interest in him? Should he just let you alone completely? Do so but call you every once in a while to let you know he cares? How about this: he says, "I love you and this is not what I prefer, but if it's what you want to do, go for it." Should he act like a jerk and he's no longer interested? What if he started dating someone else?<P>What action/non-action would make you sit up and take notice? Or at this point, is just distance and separateness what's needed? I guess I'm asking: is there anything he can do that's "right"?<P>Thanks! zen

Lexxy - I looked at some of your other posts trying to answer my own question. The best I can tell (Aug 13 post), your H is not attempting an MB program.<P>Is there anyone else who can tell him or show him this is not productive? Does he have an analytical frame of mind? Maybe he can rationalize that his feelings might be valid, but that venting this way is not going to "work".<P>- Tom

Hi Lexxy,<P>So is it the tone that bothers you or the actual words? In other 'words', if he were to compliment you and say the words 'my wife', would that be ok? Don't want to put you on the defensive here, just asking. <P>L.

Lexxy,<P>To answer your question, no, it has never botherd me personally that my H calls me 'his' wife. He called me "woman!" one time and a few other names right after I told him about my affairs. (We joke about the woman thing now) <P>I think it's normal for you to feel like you need your space at this time, and having the sense that your H is being quite possessive of you may excacerbate that need. However, for the time being, if you're going to abide by the <I>Way of the Harley,</I> I think it behooves you to tell him gently ... and at the same time try to understand his insecurity right now.<P>He almost lost you, Lexxy. He loves you. You ARE <I>his</I> wife, not just some errant, spouseless wife, just floating around in space .... While you are NOT an object or a possession of any type, the two of you do have a bond. This bond is emotional, spiritual, financial and legal. And he is <I>YOUR</I> Husband, not anyone else's (this isn't Utah, after all...)<P>Try not to think of it in terms of being smothered, but being loved, cherished, treasured. In a way he does own a part of who you are, that's why being cheated on hurts so damned much. Becoming intimate again (not just sexually, I mean emotioanlly) with your H again is a process, it won't happen over night. Over a course of weeks and months, that intimacy will continue to grow (hopefully) and perhaps after some time has passed, you won't feel so irked by the terms.<P>So, I think you should tell him it's bothering you. But come to terms with why it's an issue and how you will approach it. He needs to know where you are with your thoughts. In the mean time you are at the best place to vent.<P>Khyra

This is a big LB for my wife ... oops... for <W>. I used to always refer to her as MY WIFE when speaking about her to others. SHE TOLD ME THAT IT MADE HER FEEL LIKE SHE DIDN'T HAVE HER OWN IDENTITY. And, every time she caught me at it she also told me how much she DIDN'T like it.<P>To me it seemed logical that someone who didn't know her would rather know her relation to me (because I'm the one who really mattered to them, after all). If they met her then they could learn her name. I thought it was unreasonable that this bothered her (doesn't this sound like the elbow story in the June newsletter?).<P>It took me a long time to lose that habit (way before MB)- I hardly ever mess up now.<P>I really didn't understand this kind of issue until after coming to MB. If your H isn't familiar with MB he may not "get it" either. These kind of continual LBs are real killers -- it sounds like you're already feeling the effects. <P>You probably need to talk about it BEFORE it sets you off. From your post I get the impression that this IS going to set you off at some point. If you talk about it intentionally maybe there will be a smaller chance you will LB while doing it.<P>--Jeffers