Thoughts on the boys depression? She really never has seen them upset about anything, the OM, her being gone to Dallas.. she doesn't get to witness it. They are nearly fine when we are there with her.. but not when we aren't. But she doesn't know that. Now that she has seen, heard two incidents tht point to signs of depression with one of our boys.. she thinks that I am the sole one tearing them up. I know that alot of my feelings get passed onto them. They ask me lots of questions.. dozens and dozens a day.. about what we are doing and what mom's doing and so forth.<P>How honest should I be with them? What things should I say and not say? <P>I am NOT going to lie for her to them. If she wants to lie to them then that is fine.. but if I know what she told them is a lie.. am I wrong for telling them the truth? <P>For instance wifes troop in D went jet skiing last night. My boys and I sat and waited for her call for 3 hours.. she failed to call me and let me know that she wouldn't be calling till 9. The boys were very upset that she wasn't calling and our plans got miffed. I was honest about where and what she was doing in D with them. <P>She thinks that I shouldn't say things about what she is doing or not doing. I know as a child, I wanted to know everything about what was going on in my parents life and when I was lied to about it.. it would crush me. I have Radical Honesty with my children. Maybe I shouldn't but I do. When my W told our youngest that the OM didn't live there in her house and that he was going home on the weekends back to Louisiana, our son was okay with that. When our son saw the OM in Dallas at her house and sleeping in her room when she told our son that the OM sleeps on the couch upset him and he didn't want to sleep with her at all those nights. Then the OM told our son that her room was his room and he doesn't sleep on the couch. The OM calls out to the baby "give it to daddy" "come to daddy" and my son comes to me and says.. "the OM is saying.. come to daddy", "give it to daddy". I asked him if it upset him and he says ya.. I don't want him to be the babies daddy. I don't want him to be my daddy.<P>From her email<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Hello,<BR>Thought I would write you a quick note..<BR>I am so worried about the boys.. They are becomming very depressed..<BR>I dont know really what is going on there..<BR>I know that all of this is hard for you..<BR>but we have to start thinking of the boys..<BR>They are what is most important right now..<BR>Its hard not to be able to give you what you need..<BR>I feel as though I am paying for not being with you right now..<BR>I care about you so much and want to make things better..<BR>God i dont know what to do..<BR>I will let you go<BR>I will write you back later<BR>gota go<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So what do you do? Tell your child the truth that mommy is having an affair, which is emotional and physical (sex), wrong not right and living with that person and raising his brother with that person, regardless who the daddy is?<P>I know what questions are going to be raised if I only give them part of the truth. I know that holding that information from them may make them more confused. I have been very honest with them about my transgressions in life, and even my recent tiff with a OW. They were there they saw it.. so how can I hide and lie for my wife when she continues this. If this was a deal that was going to be over next week, I could see keeping a hush on things... as I did in the very beginning, until she brought it to light.<P>Opinions?<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

I think you should find the boys a counselor. Call the Catholic Charities in your town, they'll have low cost or free programs for your boys.<P>My oldest went on zoloft for depression during my H's affair and our now-aborted divorce. <BR> <BR>Your boys, for better or for worse have been exposed to alot. This is scary stuff. <P>They need a neutral safe third party to talk to about things. <BR><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

H2Y,<P>I feel for you. I have three boys, 11, 9, and 5 months old. My husband left me two weeks after I had our baby. My middle son is showing signs of depression, also. He is very happy one minute, and very sad the next. In the beginning, I was giving into their whims because I was afraid they would want to go live with their Dad, but now I realize that I have to be firm with them. I will have to be the bad guy, and Dad gets to be the spoiler. Now MS is showing signs of depression. He gets upset anytime he doesn't get his way, or clings to me, or just wants to be away from both of us.<P>When this all started, I was talking to my oldest alot. I probably told him things I shouldn't. He knows that my husband slept around, they both know he left me because of my weight, and my oldest resented my H for some time. Wouldn't even go with him. My father, who is our pastor, talked to my son about forgiveness and respecting your parents, and told him that no matter what happens between his Dad and I, he has to learn to forgive just as Jesus forgives us. Now, I try not to tell my son things, because I don't want him to resent his father, but he is very smart, and listens to everything adults say, so he picks up on things. Now he has a real attitude problem. I don't know if it's the puberty thing, or the fact that his father isn't there.<P>Oh, and my H blames it all on me, too. I shouldn't be so upset in front of them. Forget that he left me during post partum depression, and wasn't there for me during my entire pregnancy. These are the things that anger me, so I'll quit talking about it.<P>Anyway, my advice is to be as honest with your children as you can, but when it comes to the OM, simply tell them they need to ask their Mom. Leave it up to her to answer the questions. I tell my kids that now. That way, I am not the one suffering over their hurt, he is. Also, if anyone lies, it's her, not you. If they push you for answers, just tell them the situation is between you and their Mom, and you don't want them to be hurt at their Mommy, so you don't tell them everything. I know it will feel like you are protecting her, but look at it like this - it would put points in your love bank. And honestly, you're really protecting the kids.<P>I hope this helps.<P>TIG

Hi H2u,<P>If we want to have trust in our children, then they need to see the trust in us. I believe that 100%. I will not allow the sneaky antics of a WS to destroy that trust. If it came down to keeping my child's trust vs keeping the trust of a WS, I would choose and have chosen that of my child. Here is what happened to me:<P>H had an A. I found out 11/22/00. Our son was informed 2 weeks later. H said he felt he needed to move out. I told him he needed to tell his son. H did and all cried. My son's (6 years old) initial reaction was how was he going to go school without a dad and that all the kids would laugh at him? Our son told me later that it was important for him to have a dad and if his dad preferred being with another lady than with him, that I could go and get another dad. About 3 months later, our son (who did ask questions & I encouraged open dialog), our son wrote a short 4 sentence letter to his dad it went something like this:<P>Dear Dad,<BR>Why don't you want to live with us?<BR>Why do you want to divorce mom?<BR>I want you to live with us.<BR>I miss you.<P>Love,<BR>(son)<P>Our son composed and wrote it up himself, then I delivered it to H the next day. This letter had a great impact on H. However, it was not enough to immediately stop the A but did influence future decisions. Made OW mad...... as it was, OW was jealous of our son. Go figure a 45 year old .... jealous of a 6 year old boy. Is she sicko or what? <P>Anyway, talk to the boys, you will be able to gauge where their questions are and answer them honestly but without disrespect for you W. I told our son that dad is choosing to live in another place and I don't know if he will come back. That was true at the time. When H came home, he was the one to let his son know he was back to stay. So then when H left again, our son knew that H broke his word and let him know it. Children have a way with words. Don't hold your children back from sharing their displeasure of your W's actions with your wife. They also need to vent. <P>Our son did come out and ask did dad go to live with another lady? I said yes. Our son said, that he did not like it and I let H know. Has damage been done to our son? Yes. Could the A continue and damage been avoided? No. Can our son heal? Yes. Any guarantees? No. <P>You will want to check with a counselor to see if your children may also need some external support. As your children get older, more support may be needed. <P>Again, my opinion is based on how I dealt with our son.<P>Your W needs to see her share in the damage she is doing to your children. <P>Take care, <BR>L.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Husband2you:<BR><B>Hello,<BR>Thought I would write you a quick note..<BR>I am so worried about the boys.. They are becomming very depressed..<BR>I dont know really what is going on there..<BR>I know that all of this is hard for you..<BR>but we have to start thinking of the boys..<P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sadly, her actions don't match her words. She hasn't been thinking of anyone but herself. If she were concerned for the boys, she wouldn't be doing what she is doing and I think it should be pointed out to her that thier depression is a direct result of her actions. That is what happens when someone selfishly places thier own "happiness" above the best interests of thier own children. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Husband2you:<BR><B><P> So what do you do? Tell your child the truth that mommy is having an affair, which is emotional and physical (sex), wrong not right and living with that person and raising his brother with that person, regardless who the daddy is?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I wanted to add that I agree with the earlier poster that you get your boys into counseling - and quick! <P>I also think it is real important that you tell them the truth about what is going on [keep details within their level of understanding, of course] and I would CERTAINLY make sure that you convey to them THAT THIS IS VERY WRONG! It destroys a child's sense of security and well being when they see wrongdoing going on and key adults stand silent. It is also very confusing because they pretty much know right from wrong and when no one speaks up, they go "huh?" and start doubting thier own moral instincts. They also need to hear from you that this is wrong so they will not grow up and emulate this behavior. Your first obligation is to protect the BOYS, not to protect her.<P>