I'm new here , but not new to the situation or the MB Principles. D-day for me was 5/00. It was obvious something was wrong even before that. In fact I wrote my W a letter on 10/99 expressing my concerns about our marriage, to which I never received a reply or acknowledgement of any kind. The actual proof came in an e-mail that I found quite by accident. It was to a "friend" she knew from several years ago. I recognized the name but didn't know him personally. I sat on the e-mail for a couple of days. I then wrote W a letter and gave it to her in person. I chose a letter because I wanted to pick my words carefully and avoid LB's. Even though I wasn't aware of the MB web site at that time, I seemed to know by instinct that there is a right and wrong way to try to handle something like this. Basically, her response was that she was wrong in writing to him, and it wouldn't happen again. I accepted that, hoping that she would realize what the ultimate outcome might be if it didn't end ( I never used those words to her). It was obvious from her e-mail that she had feelings for the OM and it wasn't in just the beginning stages. I have since found solid proof that that she was with him as early as 8/99. I took on the burden of trying to deal with the situation and never talked to anyone about it. I also, for the most part, never mentioned it to her for nearly 4 months. I think I was in denial this whole time. I looked for advice on the internet and discovered MB's in 8/00. It has really been a help to me, and I was glad at that time I was handling it the way I did. I didn't feel I had done any LB's because I pretty much said nothing to her about it. I did have one recent screw up, or at last I think it was. I did give her a list of items I felt I needed answered. You know, the usual: How long? Who all knows? Do you love him? Does he love you? What does he know about me? etc. Of course I got no answers. Just the statement, "I won't be put on trial!" <P>From the time of the initial discovery I have found additional "proof" of the ongoing A. In an attempt at following the "Rule of Honesty", I presented the proof to her each time. I have gotten the usual blame shifting, lies and outrage that her privacy had been invaded.She accused me of being a sneak and ask "how can I trust you?" She also says I'm trying to build a case against her and sneaking around proves nothing. The proof has come in the form of the original e-mail, a phone card, which she admitted talking to him, a fax and actual pictures of them together. The latest was her cell phone bill. Each time I found something I talked to her about it. Each one was like another D-day for me. I suppose they might even be considered an LB, even though I did it in a non-judgemental way. I feel the "Rule of Honesty is #1 and withholding something like this is not being honest. It's like a double edge sword or "You're damned if you do and damned if you don't." Whats's more, I don't like it because I know all I will hear is denial, lies and blame shifting. I have continually ask her only for the truth. I really don't want details, just the truth. The last "confrontation" concerned her cell phone bill. This time she said that she would always talk to him. She basically says he is a friend, he is the only one she can talk to and she sees nothing wrong with it. I tried to explain to her that it really boiled down to a fairness issue. It wasn't fair to me, her or for that matter him. <P>We have been married for 10 years and have an 8 year old. W is a model mother and a hard worker. She is currently going to school to get her degree so she can return to work. We have been lucky that she was able to stay home with our son during his formative years. She has been a good wife to me in all aspects up until the A. I have offered to go to counseling, which she won't do. I left her a notebook with all the MB concepts printed out. She said she would read them, but hasn't. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. In a nut-shell, I feel I have been in Plan "A" for nearly 18 months, but the A continues. Our relationship seems better, in that there isn't the open hostility toward me that I sensed a year ago. We are able to communicate better and it seems less strained. Communication is something I have been working on. Of course, everytime I bring up a new finding, there is a setback. I remember I didn't even get a birthday card last year. I got one this year and even though it was pretty bland, she did sign it "love". It's amazing the small things you grasp for in these circumstances. The down side is that it was the same weekend I suspicion she was with him. <P>This might appear as just an EA, but I feel 90% certain it is also a PA. My W belongs to an organization that has out of town meetings once a month, or so she claims. Of course I have no actual proof, but I feel they have been together on at least some of the occasions. I have never accused her of that, because once again I know what the reaction would be. Just how much proof is necessary before it becomes counter productive? Should I try to find out and confront her, or just let it alone? I'll have to admit, I don't know if I want to know. I just want my wife.<P>The OM is single and has been married three times. Basically, he has nothing to lose and my W and I have everything to lose. The odd thing is, I don't think W is even looking for a long term relationship with him. She has even said she would probably never re-marry if anything happened between us. She has said that I didn't need to worry about her running off and marrying him. I guess that is meant to console me. But here again, I don't know her true feelings. Another odd thing is she wants to do things to remodel our house, just like everything is fine. In fact we did a considerable amount of work this summer. I suggested that maybe that wasn't such a good idea at this time because of our situation. I reconsidered , because I felt it would convey to her that I didn't have a commitment to our marriage. Also, the things needed done and would add value to the home. I think the picture is pretty clear. She wants the best of both worlds or is she trying to tell me something else? <P>I'm sorry it has taken so long to get to the point, because the question is simple. What do I do? I believe in the MB principles, but I can see a situation like this going on indefinitely. I love my wife with all my heart and I'm willing to do most anything to save our marriage and I've told her that.But Dr. H makes it quite clear, and it only makes good sense, that recovery can't begin until all contact has ended. I've planned "A" until I'm blue in the face and I can see no progress after all this time as far ending the relationship. She admits to very little and what she does admit to , she seems to feel there is nothing wrong with. The relationship may die a natural death. But Dr. H also states that one that ends like that without the underlying problems being identified probably won't result in much of a recovery. I've also heard of cases of this going on for years and I can't deal with that. This is where I find a contradiction in the MB principles. Do you confront each new issue in an ongoing A, or do you just let it play itself out? She will be going back to school soon and the excuse will be that she has to direct all her energy to getting her degree. I have and will continue to support her in this. But I have been accused of jeopardizing her goal when I bring up the issue of our relationship while she is in school. I'm concerned that the approach I have taken thus far may be conveying to her that I am willing to go along with this indefinitely. What is worse, is that if she is passing this on to OM, he may look at it like I'm stupid or don't really care. Neither one is the case. I'm also beginning to look at myself as a wimp. I'm not that either. In reality, my heart is breaking and I don't think I can stand it much longer. Specifically, should I tell her that her monthly outings may be keeping us from a reconcilitation of our marriage, and I think it would be best if she stopped going? Or is that a selfish demand and thus an LB? It is complicated by the fact that I don't know if she really wants a true reconciliation or is quite satisfied with the status quo. I hope this makes sense. I have heard the term, "looking for closure". I think I have a better feel for what it means.I need to be making some very important decisions soon. Before I do, I felt a need to post this and ask for help. I'm sure mine is not a unique situation, but I have not been able to find anything that deals with some of my questions. I feel I'm between Plan "A" and "B" and heading for a D! Is there an A-or B+ Plan that is available? Thanks for you patience, and please give me your thoughts.
