Hi all<P>My H is definately still in the fog, but also very deep in withdrawel. OW doesn't visit him in his flat anymore, but they still see each other daily at work. <P>H is very, very depressed. Cries a lot. Stares a lot. Eat little, sleep little. <P>This week I visited him every night. Just drink coffee. We don't really talk. Never about the A and this week not about anything else either. Last night he was actually cross when I came visiting. I asked what's wrong. H said just leave it.<P>We watched a little TV, H cooled down. I asked whether he's mad at me, H said no. He said I just can't help him with anything. I must just leave him alone.<P>What do I do now? Do I still visit him or do I just leave him alone for a day or two? I'm so afraid that will make him call her or invite her!<P>Somewhere back in his mind he wants to get away. He updated his resume and he said he'll give it to me but hasn't yet. We want to go overseas for a year or so.<P>Please help!!!<P>How do I help my H???!!! It breaks my heart to see him like this!<P>Please advise?<P>Thanx

Dear IvorySA,<BR> That's one thing I don't understand either. How do you help them when they are going through that? I hope someone with more experience has an answer for you, and all of us wondering the same thing.<BR>LMH<P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

Okay here's the deal. Obviously H is in withdrawal. My suggestion would be to PLan A, but don't go overboard because you won't get any responses for a while. (about 3 weeks-according to Steve) If H doesn't mind you hanging out, I would do it. Don't talk too much unless H initiates it, even then still don't talk too much. Leave H do all of the talking. Silence is good, no LBs there. Your presence is reassuring, too. Just take it easy on H for awhile. Invite H for dinner or something, comfort H as you would do a friend who just lost someone.

Thanx for your replies.<P>Only thing is, as far as I can gather (from the VERY little my H talks), his A started because he could talk more to her than to me. I figured that communication is one of his most important EN's, so how do I make him happy and try to meet that when we are in total silence most of the time?<P>You don't understand... he says almost nothing at all! Not about his day, not about his feelings, not about OW, nothing!! I'm not much of a talker either. I expect someone to talk back, otherwise I'm quiet.<P>I decided to print out some of the posts on here about withdrawal and give it to H to read. Tomorrow. I'll give it tomorrow. I thought maybe I must leave him tonight and not go visit. I don't know!!! I don't want to make him mad! But I want to let him know I'm by his side no matter what? But I don't want him to think I don't respect his wishes? (I guess you get the picture I don't have a clue as to handle this situation)<P>See, if I go to his place there's nothing to do (on top of everything). We just sit there - staring at the TV. I'm afraid that he will associate this depression of his with me just sitting there. How do I make him snap out of it? How do I make him smile again?<P>Thanx for listening!

Show him the printouts about withdrawls, but don't insist he read them. Just say that you found it interesting, and if he had time later, maybe he'd like to read them. And leave it at that. When you're watching TV, or whatever you're doing, keep positive! I know it's hard! But do it! Just watch a funny program and get caught up in it! laugh! Or watch a scary program and scream (and consequently, hold on to him when you are afraid! hehe)<P>But don't let him see you like that. Depressed, miserable. You've got to be attractive to him. Don't worry about how quiet he is. Obviously, he's doing a lot of thinking. And that's ok. It would be worse if he just pretended everything was ok, and carried on, but still wasn't honest with you.