For those of you who don't think that an affair is time consuming and only affects people in small shallow ways, let me show you how much time lost with my wife since the affair began.<P>Total time lost in several different perspectives:<P>Lost Marital Time Zone (current)<BR>----------------------<BR>2.5 years 5 days and 18 hours of depression<BR>30 months 5 days and 18 hours of dishonor<BR>130 weeks 5 days and 18 hours of confusion<BR>920 days and 18 hours of being alone<BR>21,978 hours of silence at home<BR>1,317,600 minutes of fear<BR>79,056,000 seconds of life draining pain<BR>920 Sunsets never to be shared<BR>21 holidays spent wondering<BR>2 funerals missed<BR>1 spouse doing it all alone<BR>5 children waiting for the return of normalcy.<P>According to <A HREF="http://www.deathclock.com" TARGET=_blank>www.deathclock.com</A> I only have 1,253,133,559 seconds left to live at this posting..<P>hey.. some good news.. if the affair was over right now and another one started tomorrow, my wife could have 15.8512138104634689334142886055454 more affairs for the same length of time this has lasted until the projected day that I die.<P>What did Harley say.. that most affairs end at 3 years after discovery?<P>Well then lets see.. of the 94,608,000 seconds that this affair is suppose to last... there are only 15,552,000 seconds remaining on this affairclock..<P>That comes out to only 180 days remaining until this affair is officially over.<P>My goodness, I had better start clearing my calendar.<P>Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock, <P>Now that makes 130 weeks 5 days 18 hours and 1 min. Wonder what I should do.. over the next min? And the next? And the next?<P>And the next....minute, just sitting here, waiting....<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

Not to mention--affairs are expensive.<P>Let's see, just to throw some figures around, for Jan and Feb 99:<P>Motel 6, Hagerstown, two nights, $140<BR>Holiday Inn Fredericksburg, one night, $80<BR>Movie Tickets, $20<BR>Chinese Dinner for 2, $27<BR>Applebee's, $25<BR>Shopping spree for lingerie, $200<BR>Five weekend trips to Pennsylvania, $1,000 altogether<BR>Six trips to the ATM: $1,200<P>See, I paid the credit card bills, so I know of these charges. There is probably tons of money spent that is unaccounted for, like bar and restaurant tabs. I do know that they had a great time and spared no expense.<P>My husband demanded separation with divorce in mind on Christmas 1998 so that he could begin to court Miss Kitty, so I was left alone with all expenses. Feb 99, I was two weeks late paying rent and had my electricity shut off. The phone soon followed.<P>Mid-February, my husband expressed his wishes to get back together and like a dummy, I jumped all over it. I had re-enlisted in the army 1 year prior; my command assured me that it was in the best interest to leave the military according to the wishes of my husband in order to hold our marriage together. So, I did--I put in the paperwork and was released in Aug 99.<P>(Little did I know that my spouse continued to court Miss Kitty behind my back as I did this--in fact, he had a mess of new furniture and household items to set up a love nest with Miss Kitty. It's in storage now.)<P>Now I owe $5,000 in unearned re-up bonus.<P> I get a friendly reminder from the Treasury Dept every other week that I need to pay it.<P>Since my husband continued his affair and was relunctant to bring me to his new duty station, I was stuck living with my mom for 4 months after getting out of the army--I had no idea what was going on. I had given up my career and was unemployed.<P>I am now $3,300 in debt with back child support.<P>We are majorly in debt now from this little mishap--I hope he had fun and it was all worth it.

Bernzini,<P>I like where you took this... lets see what everyone else can add.. <P>Time<BR>Money<BR>...Whats next on the list BS's?<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

Actually, I think ht etimeframe given is that most end within 2 years of discovery.<P>H2U, I really don't know your story. But, at 2.5 years, maybe it is time to re-think your plan...are you still in Plan A?

The cost of an affair: :$60,000 taken out of our business to set up young honey in a business in another state. We should have plenty of cash in the bank but we are praying over payroll every week. Credit card bills show that he had a wonderful time out there while I'm scraping together enough to pay our bills at home and feed and clothe 4 children. Who is he anyway?<P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

I think you all need to find other ways to spend your time. All that time stuff seems petty and unhelpful to me. <BR>

How about<P>$1,700 a month in child support for the next 18 years for the child he had of his affair?<P>$2,000 4x per year for us to fly out to where OC lives so that we can have visitation<P>$20 / month in copays for anti-depressants and tranquilizers to treat my depression<P>$20 a week in counseling copays <P>$4,000 paid by my insurance (no cost to us) for a week in a psychiatric hospital when I ceased to be able to function after I learned of his affair and child<P>$8,000 paid by my insurance (no cost to us) for the next 5 weeks in a day hospital to keep me from killing myself<P>$1,500 for the new washer and dryer he bought OW to do baby laundry with<P>$5,000 to pay to move her from where she lived to where her parents live so she wouldn't be alone during her pregnancy<P>$70,000 paid by her insurance company for the 3 months she spent in the hospital due to pregnancy complications<P>many hundreds of dollars in long distance phone calls between them<P>His salary for 1 year as he took to the couch in a massive depression and lost his job (BTW, the last year he worked, he earned $300,000 so it was a pretty large salary)<P>All of our savings to keep up with mortgage and car payments and child support and counseling and medications during the time he couldn't to work due to his depression<P>I figure this has cost us about half a million dollars<P>The respect of all the people who used to admire him<P>But most of all, it cost us the adoption of 3 wonderful little children from Russia that we were in the middle of adopting when Dday happened. We both became too depressed to meet the adoption deadlines in time.<P>MJ<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited August 17, 2001).]

This works both ways you know....we WS's could start making lists of how our BS let us down. Mine's 13 years long. Don't even have time to get started.<P>Maybe this just isnt the best place for a WS to seek help, cuz I am feeling a little beat up lately. Not personally, but its all so overwhelming. I get frustrated seeing the blame continually placed on WS. I get annoyed by little jokes about how WS justify their lives or decisions. I am sick to death of hearing that I'm foggy.

Lexxxy,<P>I appreciate that you really only spoke about your own feelings in response to what is posted here. You didn't point fingers; you simply claimed your own emotions. I know that my H, as the WS, is not comfortable coming to this site, nor does he want to hear about my conversations here. He says it makes him feel guilty. I honor that request.<P>However, what seems to be at the basis of this feeling is the question of responsibility. I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I very strongly disagree with you. IMO, the wayward spouse has committed a much larger transgression, in most cases, than the BS. With that comes a greater responsibility to try and make ammends. Many, many of us instead have gotten little or no action on the part of our WS toward trying to repair a marriage that <B>they</B> are claiming that they still want. To be honest, my husband was a worse H after Dday than before it and I got the attitude for 8 months after Dday that he was going to do squat about improving himself in any way. It took my H many, many months of withdrawal, fog, self-pity and depression to begin to respond to my earnest attempts to repair my faults in our marriage. I feel like if I had been the one to stray, I would have been kissing his feet, doing anything necessary to repair the hurt my actions had cause.<P>My list of unmet ENs before the affair is equally as long as my H's. We both failed each other in very many ways; in ways that we would like to fix for the future. One difference is he chose to have an affair and I did not. (We both had the opportunity.) He took our marriage problems and made them 100x worse; I gave up a possibly wonderful relationship with another man to try and figure out what could be done to improve our marriage (long before I even knew that my H was having an A.) In my mind (and his) there is absolutely no question about who was "more wrong."<P><BR>In the last newsletter, Steve wrote:<P>============================================<BR>Falling in love with someone other than your <BR>spouse is not caused by unment needs in your <BR>marriage. It is caused by a failure to <BR>protect your own weaknesses.<BR>=============================================<P>I think that because of human nature we would all like to think that we were a little less to blame for the breakdown of our marriage than we truly were. That applies to W and B spouse.<P>MJ

Oh, about the money thing......<P>I was going over some stuff for 1997, and was triggered by H getting $300-$400 a week in cash...and he darned sure wasn't using it to buy anything for business. Heck, he wasn't even doing any work. Most of the time, he was sitting up at Cafe Woman's restaurant "having coffee" every morning. Lord only knows where he was in the afternoons....after the time that she would leave the restaurant.

Mrs. Job -- <BR>I respect your points. I guess the conclusion is that its different for everyone.<P>I understand you point. But I will not be told by him that I am a worse person than he is. (He had an affair in our first year of marriage that I only found out about 4 months ago). Since your situation is different, maybe its ok for you to take that position.<P>So nope, I aint kissing his feet. And I am willing to SHARE the blame, but not shoulder it alone.<P>He wants to say that this situation is all my fault because I won't recommit to the marriage. He acknowledges mistakes but because he's learned from them now and wants to move forward that this is now all my fault because I don't want to try.<BR>

We were happily married with two weeks to go before being united in this country. My wife had the affair. The emotional drop from 100% down to zero is the hardest thing to take. It shattered my heart to pieces. There is no price that can be put on this. How much is a lifetime of pain worth. I considered being dead. How much is that worth? How would that affect my children's lives? We spent thousands on doctor bills because of the disease and because of a pregnancy termination because of the disease. My wife wanted to have a child with me very badly but now has ruined this chance. Now trips to China to see the doctor there (doesn't trust the one's here and the wait's are too long) will cost another few thousand dollars. Why am I paying for it instead of this other guy? What did I do? The whole thing has cost me $30,000 so far and 6 months of mental pain, and misdirected anger towards the children out of frustration. The other man is happily having sex with other women and has no idea the pain this caused. My wife has forgotten about it completely and is happy. The whole thing tore my heart out. My wife gave her heart to someone else but married me.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>But I will not be told by him that I am a worse person than he is. </B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're right. That is an incredibly disrespectful judgement. On Dday, my H told me he was a horrible person. I said that no he wasn't, he was still the same decent person he had always been. And I believe it with all my heart. He did however, make some horrible decisions. Every time that "horrible person" conversation has come up, my answer has always been the same. Telling someone that they are a horrible person is verbal abuse and I don't blame you for not tolerating it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>So nope, I aint kissing his feet.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Nope, I ain't gettin my feet kissed either, but I am finally getting some effort on his part to work on his issues (and I am working on mine). Wouldn't mind a little foot kissing tho. Guess I 'll just have to settle for a little mutual foot massage <P>I think I jumped in on you too soon. I have done so much to work on my part of it that I tend to assume that all BS have done so. Didn't know that you have the uncooperative type. <P>We all project. I projected your words coming out of my H's mouth and that wouldn't have been valid coming from him and would anger me greatly. They are probably quite valid coming from you. I am sorry<P>We have also suffered a *huge* financial loss from his affair and the resulting child. I was, in my first post, just responding to the topic of what our spouse's affair has cost us. (BTW, although he earns a fortune, I earn at least 1/2 as much as he does--an excellent salary by any standards. I am not a wife hitching a ride on the gravy train. I make a perfectly respectible financial contribution to this marriage.) I am of a firm belief that their really is only one pocketbook in a marriage no matter how you divide up the checking accounts, retirement plans and bills. He says his child support payments of $20,000 year don't really hurt us because he earns more than I. Plain and simple fact is we have $20,000 less per year to do things we would like to do--vacation, save, give to charity, etc. We will be literally "paying" for this for the next 2 decades. When there is a child born of the affair, a couple has even less of a chance to "forget and move on." Yes, you can forgive, but there are daily reminders of the betrayl. More importantly we lost the adoption of 3 children I had come to love and I believe that is a direct result of his A and the resulting depression we both suffered. Instead of our children, I now have a step-daughter. As adorable and lovable as she is, she is not mine and doesn't satisfy my strong need to be a mother.<P>MJ<P><p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited August 17, 2001).]

Although the tone and overture has been a little harsh, this was not my intentions. I merely wanted those who may be thinking about having an affair or those just starting to see the outcome. <P>Time, finances and ruin have been all apart of my W's affair. Its not all her fault and she shouldn't have to shoulder all the responsibility. I could have divorced her within 2 months of discovery and made better dues as a result. I choose to stay involved in this for me, the boys and her. I have to burden that everyday. Its not a mistake its the right thing to do. Her burden comes from mistakes and that's why so many of us BS are critical of their decisions. My decisions to not be a better husband and father to our children had equally as much finacial and emotional trouble.. but there wasn't the anguishing pain that we all feel. That is the WHOLE difference. An affair wasn't required for us to change things. Communication, honesty and openness was. The WS through all that aside for their own gratuitous passion and desires, full well knowing the destruction that was inevitible.<P>Our baby.. whom ever's he is, is a product of an affair.. whether he's mine or the OM's. As a result of the affair, my wife became pregnant and terminated the first pregnancy. The second pregnancy was an emotional toil on her and I. The OM went to jail 2 times and will again, I'm sure. My wife decided that she needed to get her tubes tied and now, I will never have the chance to have another baby with her.. as I have longed all my life to have a daughter by her. My 2 sons may have a half brother, instead of a full brother. Children from possible 3 different fathers.. all being lovingly received by her and I... but the pain I feel everyday because I know I can't give C & D, our boys a sister hurts so very deeply. <P>Although my credit wasn't in the best shape it could have been... since the A she and I are pretty much ruined. My chances of ever getting back into Law Enforcement because of our credit now and my 1 month stay in a psychward because of my anger and desire to physically maul the OM will pretty much follow me around the rest of my life. <P>Remember, these are places that I NEVER asked to be taken along for the ride. <P>I'm sorry lexxxy that we say things that upset you. I know alot of them probably hurt, and your pretty much tired of hearing us whine about everything. I'm sure that if all of the WS put as much effort into their marriages that they do in the affairs.. the BS would come around very quickly and follow suit on making changes that need to be changed. <P>Where BS and WS should have met middle of the road prior to the A.. it is the responsibility of the WS to return to the scene of the accident and make amends before the BS should have to give them the right to ride the journey of life together again. Its good faith, trust and honorable, plus its the right thing to do.<P>All of my opinion.. and we all have them.<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

Better ways to spend my time?! Better ways to spend my time?!<P>Hmmmmmmmm. Let's see. . .<P>Ways I have spent my time: Between May 1998 and August 1999 working a 12 hour day and raising a seriously disturbed little boy BY MYSELF. A little time consuming. No friends, no social life, no "recreation" that didn't involve trying to humor a kicking, screaming child (he was so unhappy that Dad was gone that he went off the deep end.)<P>And how was my husband spending HIS time? Ha ha ha.<P>It's true--I did spent 4 or 5 weeks after discovery day being totally freaked out, sitting around being listless, crying, and snooping around in his stuff for more stuff to make me cry. My husband was on deployment in a foreign country and I was alone in yet another foreign company. Just about the first thing I found upon moving into my new house was a picture of Miss Kitty. Yeah, you are right. I sat around being shell shocked--not a productive use of one's time.<P>Tell me how you would feel, Flight Doc?<P>My husband and I are in recovery right now, it has been up and down for the last two years, including ugly fights and separations. Not a good way to spend time, either. But that's the way it has been.<P>These are scars, realities that just can't be swept away. This is a tangible scar, my huge debts. When the Treasury Department calls me every two weeks and demands payment, I can't just say "Oh, you are wasting my time with your threats to sue me." This is real, this is a product of my husband's affair.<P>(sorry, there was an earthquake just now--I had to run.)<p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited August 17, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by kam6318:<BR><B>H2U, I really don't know your story. But, at 2.5 years, maybe it is time to re-think your plan...are you still in Plan A? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Kam..<P>My plan was thwarted when the OM did a year in jail.. she was never able to truely end the relationship and she and I weren't at the point to accepting recovery the MB way. So.. being that its 2.5 years.. the affair has been dormant up until January 2001 and only resurfaced full blown since April 27 2001, that I can tell. Thats the day she moved back out.. to her sisters. The OM joined her there in June. So it just recently rekindled.<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Flight Doc:<BR><B>I think you all need to find other ways to spend your time. All that time stuff seems petty and unhelpful to me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, not to be an [censored].. but what turnip truck did you fall off of? Petty and unhelpful? Which are you FD, the BS, the OP or the WS?<P>I'd barter to say the OP or the WS. I've been wrong before.. but your replies so far on here have been... well.. unproductive.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/004142-7.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/004142-7.html</A> <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Flight Doc:<BR><B> Can you please tell us why you stay in your marriage?? What is keeping you from running away with your Priest?? In all the things you say your DEEP in love, ( meaning you will not give your marriage a full chance) and your priest is your ideal. So what is it that keeps you in it? I am saying this with sincere concern. Why not leave and let your priest leave his order and be together?? What is the wall that is not letting you do that?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Talk about petty and unhelpful.<P>------------------<BR>Semper,<P>Husband2You<BR>*****<BR>Don't make me promises <BR>Baby you never did know how to keep them well <BR>I've had the rest of you <BR>Now I want the best of you <BR>It's time for show and tell<P>'All or Nothing' O-Town

That's another thing, too, H2Y, about the credit report. Mine is totally trashed. And you know what? The only credit card that I have ever personally owed is a JCPenney card. ('Cause I worked at JCPenney as a little part-time, fun thing to do, that's why I had it.) I have never purchased anything on credit. My trashed credit is due to the debts I have mentioned, plus my husband's use of HIS credit card that he aquired after we parted.<P>While I was in the military, I had a high clearance. Think I will have problems retaining that?<P>I too, have had a terrible time getting a REAL job due to poor credit. I have ten years total in military intelligence and a degree in Criminal Justice, yet when I apply for a job, my background investigations do not reflect favorably. I was turned down by Mountain Search and Rescue in my home state last year because of this--that hurt.<P>I work at the gym now. Flex schedule. (Meaning, my kid has his first baseball game today, and the boss just pencils me in for the day without asking me, too bad, so sad.) Nights and weekends. $6.80 an hour. It kicks my butt. But that's about the best I can do until I find something else here in Okinawa.<P>Do I feel bitter about this? Actually, no. It's par for the course. It's something that happened and I have to deal with it. WE have to deal with it.