I can't figure it out. Since about a week ago, when my W said she needed "more separation" I've backed off. My Plan A attempts have been focused on my step-daughter rather than my W. In the last week, my W has called me maybe 3 or 4 times, each instance to get my help with something, like paying a bill or doing something at our house. Beyond the basic request, she and I have talked/joked around just a little bit, very limited.<P>I keep falling into the trap Faith warned about: expectation. I keep looking for her to call me or e-mail me just to talk. I'm having a great time on my own, meeting lots of people, some of whom are interested in me, but I can't stop thinking about my W.<P>I understand the need for patience, but I feel like I'm just an irritating source of guilt/frustration (or obstacle to OM) for her than has quietly removed himself. I want to believe that she misses me and wonders about me, but in my mind, she's just surging ahead with OM now, relieved of the stress of me. After all, when she calls for my help, I'm kind and considerate (but not needy or anything, just bein a good guy) and she is spared any sort of relationship talk or pressure, the way I was doing several months ago.<P>I'm just concerned that she may think that I've given up on her, am resigned to the fact that she's with OM, and that since I'm such a good guy, I'm not going to give her a hard time about it. However, I feel that to remind her that I still love her is not the right thing either... I think when she hears or reads this, it makes things worse somehow.<P>There is a part of me that wants to just say, oh well, I'm going to go for it... Start bugging her again and trying to have those "Talks" that Lexxxy says are so unpleasant for the WS... See? I don't want to do that... But maybe those emotions, though unpleasant, are what the WS needs to keep a little thread connected to the BS? I feel disconnected from my W. That's the bottom line.<P>I don't know... maybe Plan B approaches... I still hve love left, but I can certainly tell that it's less than before. A part of me wants to say, ok that's it, like H2Y's sig says, it's all or nothing at all. But that's me giving up -- not going to happen...<P>Enough rambling. After all, it's FRIDAY! Take care guys, let me know your thoughts...<P>zen

Are you and your W attending counseling? If not, is it because she is unwilling to attend. <P>I have a slightly different twist. My W says she wants to try, is going to marriage counseling with me, but is still letting OM call her on a regular basis. <P>S&C<p>[This message has been edited by sadandconfused (edited August 17, 2001).]

s&c:<P>We're not in counseling. When she first told me she wanted me to move out and wanted us to get separated, I asked that we see someone. She reluctantly agreed but said she would tell any counselor that same things she was telling me. We saw her therapist (whom I had also seen) for about two sessions and he advised that we separate. Since then, I have continued to see this same fellow sporadically, and she has been seeing a new therapist who by all indications has no plans to suggest working on the marriage. I have in fact heard that this new therapist is very much on the "self-empowerment" side of things.<P>I have had two sessions with Steve Harley and last time he asked me to ask my W if she would talk to him. I did and she said she would; I told her that he was helping me and he wanted to talk to her to get more information for the full picture. We have not followed through with this yet...<P>I'm not sure how she would react to the suggestion of more counseling at this point. She is pretty determined to do her own thing and for me to interfere is possibly LB'ing.<P>I think the fact that your W is even willing to attend counseling is a great step. I wish I could say my W felt the same way... My W seems nowhere near as "torn" as your W... My advice to you would be to continue Plan A but to not pressure her in any way.<P>Thanks for the reply,<BR>zen<p>[This message has been edited by zen (edited August 17, 2001).]

Zen --<BR>I just posted about the whole counseling thing on SadandConfused's post.<P>Check it out.

Thanks Lex... hey - if your H were treating you as I am treating my W, how would it make you feel? Throw me a bone here... <P>zen

Gosh Zen -- hard to project. My H are still living together.<P>Last week he was railing at me constantly. Big 2 hour discussions every day. Just emotionally exhausting. It solidified my decision to move out. <P>This week he's almost ignoring me. At least I don't have the flight response now. I can be at home and be at ease. I'm not feeling pressured. <P>I feel better toward him when I don't fear constant confrontations. When I feel at ease, I am more likely to initiate a conversation. In that state, he has more opportunity to be nice, and to make me feel nicer things about him. Now I don't feel like I have to be out of the house by September 1st. If he started up the confrontations, I'd be outta there in no time flat.<BR>

ZEN,<BR>Forgive me ,but I don't know the whole situation. Icould be a little off base here. I'm a BW. Anyway, I would think your wife has her cake and eating it too. I could be wrong , that's just how I see it.<P>Lot's of Luck

Hi, zen. You know what I'm going to say, so I hesitate to even reply. <P>I hope Lexxy will answer your question, and some others too. <P>I think your wife's actions are the regular fog. She thinks she doesn't need you in your life - just like my H, and so many others on here. She thinks OM can do it all for her. Giving her space - like you are doing - will give OM a chance to LB. You saw my exhaustion yesterday. I think you are now getting into the situation I've been in for 2 months now. H moved out and doesn't want communication. I give him space - don't talk about the issues - tell him I love him about once a week. Send little encouraging e-mails... not many - don't want to annoy him. You saw my post yesterday... I don't know if it's going to work or not. But it's my only shot. Give him space and don't annoy him. If anything will help to save my marraige - that's it. And I have to decide if I'm willing to do it or file for D. Those are my only 2 options. I'm willing to wait (with MB's - your - encouragement).<P>Just my 2 cents. I hope you'll get some more perspectives.

Lex - Appreciate your thoughts... So do ya think you will move out, just to try it?<P>M&J: I think you're right. She is having cake and eating it too. But I think this is normal for Plan A. But you know, the better I Plan A, and the further time progresses, the closer Plan B will be. And there will be no more cake from my end then.<P>Faith: Yup, you gotta tell me at least twice a day... You're the Plan A queen... My gut tells me not to say I love her even once a week... Just to do something nice at least once a week... We are definitely in this together!<P>Enjoy your FRIDAY!<BR>zen