Hey you! I've got some a$$kicking to do to you here. <P>In my thread where I asked about gut feelings for those who knew the OP prior to the A, you said something about getting a woman's phone number and you're thinking of giving her a call.<P>DON'T DO IT IF YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE BACK!!!!!!!!!<P>I know the temptation all too well. I was even on some online singles chat rooms when H and I were separated. Yeah, it boosted my ego like you wouldn't believe (but then again, you know what I'm talking about right now)... but I never had the nerve to meet any of these men.. even for a coffee (and they knew about my wanting to reconcile with my H).<P>Even if you were to get together with this woman on a friends only basis, it could turn into a rebound A in retaliation to your W's actions.<P>From being on here, you know what can happen, and how easy it can happen. Don't even put yourself in the position to be a possible candidate. <P>Stay strong. And stay away from other women. One of the things your W needs to do right now is gain respect for you again. By even being friends with an OW, you could be jeopardizing that bigtime!<P>Okay, a$$kicking session over. <P>Karen<BR>

Karen,<P>I know, yesterday was a bad day for me and this woman was really nice to me at a time when I needed it. The other thing that I didn't mention is that I saw my W there talking to a bunch of guys none of which was the OM, but she didn't even acknowledge that I was there not even a hey. <P>In fact, her own mother told me yesterday that she was more doubtful than hopeful that our marrige would work out and that I just needed to go out and find a good woman and maybe it would make my W jealous and realize what she is giving up. <P>Would it be that bad if we just became friends and did things in a group setting and never alone?

You know that the decision is totally up to you. Since you are well aware of the 'warning signs' from reading this site, and if you believe that you have the strength to stop even just a friendship if it starts crossing that line... then go ahead. Staying in a group setting is the best plan, IMO. But then again, since you're asking if it is okay or not, then you already have your doubts (otherwise you would have already gone out with her, and would never have posted about it in the first place).<P>I can understand your wanting to try and make your W jealous. I went through those same feelings.. that is what drove me to stay in contact with the different men online. But just say she doesn't get jealous? Just say all it does is give her more validation for her actions? Then what? I'll tell you what, you'll be having a tougher time saving your marriage.<P>I can understand the lonliness and need for friendship right now, but you're also in a very vulnerable position. Would it kill you to be patient longer? A few more months in plan A, and if necessary move on to plan B? <P>I'd say you need to really think about this. Under 'normal' circumstances (if there is such a thing.. grin), you would probably just go with your feeling of, 'what's wrong with another friend? being a woman, maybe she could give me some insight into my W's mind?'. Well, you're not in a normal circumstance right now. If one of the things you want to know is what a woman thinks, then ask on here. (goodness knows, most of us have a LOT to say when asked..or not! hehehe).<P>Just remember, following the Harley method to a tee (as much as humanly possible.. b/c we all know how hard it is), is your BEST chance to save your marriage.<P>Karen<BR>

Karen,<P>I know and you are right. I should not cal this woman and talk to her only if I see her out. What is another 11 months out of my life to try and ave my marriage. My counselor said she beleives that I have between a 10% and 20% chance of her oming back to the marriage. NOt good odds, but I do have God on my side. Maybe I should just be like this for awhile and see what happens to me. <P>It's been close to two months now since d-day and things have gotten IMO worse than when I found out. I sometimes wish I would have never followed her that night and never set up the video. Or maybe just never told her I had the video and at least she would have still been in the house and by then I would have found this site and started Plan Aing without ever confronting her about the A. Oh how I wish I could erase tha last 8 months of my life.

How the heck can your counsellor figure out odds on your life? Has your W talked to this same C? If not, then I wouldn't grasp on the 10 to 20 % chance thing. It's quite possible that those are the current odds.. but those are NOT the be all and end all odds if you keep up with your plan A. <P>2 months since d-day is not a long time. You've heard the saying that 'things get worse before they get better'. Consider yourself on the worse side right now. Now is when you need to have the courage to stay strong and stick to your plan A as much as you can.<P>Within one month prior to H and I reconciling, he told me that he most definitely wanted a D. That that was his FINAL decision. And believe me, we are on the recovery road, not en route to the courthouse.<P>Karen<BR>

Are you serious about the one month thing? That is amazing.<BR>Did he leave the house? How long was it between d-day and r-day (recovery day)<P>GC

OH yeah, I'm VERY serious about the one month thing. I was doing a good job at plan Aing by that point BUT I was also LBing some pretty bigguns. The combo of the two made him more and more mad.<P>I started plan B to force myself to stop LBing. I couldn't stop it. I think I'd last maybe 2 weeks before another biggie occurred. Strange thing is, when I was FINALLY ready to give him the 'space' he so desperately wanted (so he claimed), it didn't even last one full day! The same night I had started my plan B, he asked me if I would be willing to pack everything up and move away with him to get out of this city and start over. I said yes, and we've been moving forward ever since.<P>I don't have a set 'd-day' like everyone else on here. For me, after about a week of my H withdrawing majorly so near the end of January (and spending a LOT of time chatting online), he told me he didn't want to be married anymore. I knew he was icqing a lot with OW#1, but at the time, she was also a friend of mine.. had been for over 2 yrs. I didn't think of her as much of a threat... until I starting snooping. They were basically in the midst of an EA (although I didn't know about MB at the time). <P>H and I had agreed that he could stay until the end of Feb to find a place of his own. But after my snooping, and finding out all sorts of lies on H's part (mainly, that he was getting together with OW#1.. she was 'treating' him for dinners, etc to make him feel better), I kicked him out the day before his b-day, on Feb 6th.<P>9 days later I was admitted to hospital with severe high blood pressure, and the twins were born by emergency c-section 2 days later (Feb 17th) ... they weren't due until March 15th.<P>After an 11 day hospital stay (YUCK!!!), I finally came home. Sure enough, I started my snooping again. After the weekend of March 10th, I found out that it had gone PA. (they had gotten together that night to have sex.. I only remember the date, b/c it's my mum's b-day).<P>So, I don't really have a d-day. It was all so gradual. I consider our time frame starting on Feb 6th when I kicked him out, and ending the end of May (I don't even remember the exact day! Isn't that awful??? It was no more than a week before the 29th though... which was when our son turned 2).<P>Karen<BR>