This letter is a continuation from the topic I posted about Husband's YAHOO Profiles and Use Bothers Me <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011593.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011593.html</A> <P>I want to send this letter to my husband. Wanted to post it first and get some of your thoughts. I've been plan A'ing since April with little luck and I'm ready to move on to Plan B.<P>***********************************************<BR>When do you plan to show some respect to my wishes by changing your yahoo profiles and filling out the Emotional Needs questionaire? Maybe I wouldn't feel so bitter if I felt like I could trust you. But I don't. <P>I keep asking you to do these things not to nag but because I want to make things better between us. I thought that was what you wanted also. Do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you have been doing things that I think are just unacceptable in a man! <P>Can you say these words to me? Can you live them every day? <P>"I will continue to be repentant, and work to restore your trust in me, and to try to heal all of the pain that I caused you. <P>"I am committed to live my life as a spirit filled Christian man that you and our children need me to be."<P>This is a major contributor to our problems I think. Our relationship, our family our home and our lives are spiritually empty. My spirituality has given me strength over the years and I think that is why I feel so weak at times.<P>Passion like we had Wednesday night happens when you are affectionate and loving. When you belch thunderously and fart at will when I'm around, wear grungy tattered clothes at home and do nothing to appear attractive to me, what do you expect from me? Ignoring me by reading the paper and drinking a beer instead of paying attention to me when I have worked hard to make a delicious dinner and dessert, whisk the kids off to bed, and make myself look, smell, and taste lovely does not build desire in me. It really turns me off for me to put forth so much effort and see you put forth none. Since you initiated lovemaking on Wednesday night, was last night supposed to be my turn? Wednesday night I was in bed asleep when you came home from work at midnight. I was freshly showered, dressed lovely, smelling good. It makes me think that one thing I desire, an attractive spouse, is not important. Hobo clothes, bad breath, razor stubble and a stinky body...I can't think of too many women OR men that think that's a turn on.<P>You shower, shave, brush your teeth, dress nice and wear sexy underwear when you go out of the house and when you are out of town. You come home and you start slumming; you dress like a hobo and pay little attention to personal hygiene. Considering your recent history (Porn and cyberaffairs)and that you NEVER go out of the way to do anything special for me on a whim, what am I supposed to think? How do you think I feel? Neglected, unloved, unimportant and undesired...that's how I feel. <P>I see you ate the cherry turnover I got for you yesterday. I thought you would like it... It's nice when your spouse does something like that for you, isn't it? How did it make you feel? <P>I married you for life, but if you want to keep ignoring my needs for affection and keep secrets from me, it's your call. You have a second secret life and it shows in your lack of affection for me...it has to stop. Are these other people and activities important enough to lose your wife and family over? <P>If you want to be in a love relationship with me, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. I want so much to feel affection from you (I've been saying this for years!!!)...great sexual fulfillment for you and me would follow if that could happen. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. But I can't do that if I don't trust you. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love. <P>Your porn usage and online infidelity hurt me more than you can imagine. You have no idea how it still hurts because you still have these secret accounts and actively use them. My healing will start when I begin to feel I can trust you again. For a short time, I was able to access your web based e-mail accounts and see who your 'friends' were. I didn't like what I saw. I saw the naked photos that your chat partner Rene sent you. I know Amy S's phone number, where she works, where she lives and that she sought you out for support when she needed you and you gave it to her. In the meantime, I was on bedrest due to high blood pressure at the end of my pregnancy and instead of support, I got yelled at. I know what Danelle/Desiree looks like. She's a pretty long haired brunette, she's tall, she's 19 and she lives in Colorado Springs. Didn't you spend a week there last year in your own hotel room with your sexy underwear and pajamas too? What am I supposed to think? <P>Let's put the shoe on the other foot..let's say I have a number of chat buddies, all men. They send me pictures of their enormous erect penises and tell me how much they want me and they know what I like in bed too. We have conversations full of jokes and laughter and playful sexual innuendos and "you show me yours and I'll show you mine". <P>I have a nursing conference to go to in Tulsa and gee, one of my cyberstuds lives in Tulsa. An all expenses paid trip to philander with this handsome man with a big penis who says and does the right things and is ready to make me feel loved and desired. I take my sexiest lingerie with me on the trip. I completely turn off my charm and affection with you. It must be that I'm saving it all for a rendezvous with him.<P>How does your gut feel?<P>You chose to change your passwords to keep up the secrecy. If you had nothing to hide, you wouldn't have changed the passwords. You can't keep having them and me also. You are not going to have this second secret life along with the house and ranch, lovely wife and kids. I deserve better. Our kids deserve better. If you think it doesn't affect the kids, you are wrong. The kids see our hurt, frustration, and fear that we have, even as we try to hide it. They are young but they are very perceptive.<P>It is your choice. You need to figure out how you can meet my needs and earn back my trust. I'm not going to keep living my life like this anymore. I'll be packing my things on Monday. Until you show me you will change, I can't live with you anymore. <P> <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bluebird (edited August 17, 2001).]

I don't have time to make detailed comments, but the letter is teeming with LBers and is maybe a little too self-indulgent. Man oh man, how much I'd love to just let stuff off my chest and just let my wife have it about all the crap she's put me through. But that is a sure fire way to gaurantee the failure of your marriage. Maybe you should take a breather and re-write the letter when you're feeling a little better?

Thank you for your comments GodlyMan. I was worried about it being filled with LBs-I guess that is why I have not sent it yet. It felt good to get it off my chest. I really poured (maybe VOMITED) my pain into that letter didn't I? Maybe I need to give myself a day or two to settle down and rewrite it. I thought I said some positive things in it but yeah...I guess it is full of lovebusters.<P>Anyone else???

There were definitely some positives in it, but it was also anger. And it was good to write them out and get them off your chest. Just don't set them on his chest, ok? hehe =)<P>Write it again in a few days, when you're feeling better.

Yep, too much anger. If you could re-write it without the anger and lovebusters that would be good.<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

You have vented and gotten a lot of anger off your chest--that's good. You have expressed how you feel and put your unhappiness into words--that's good.<P>NOW DON'T SEND THAT LETTER!!!!!<P>You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. Be gentle, be nice, use "I" language, such as "when this happens, "I" feel . . ." Don't outline all the nasty things he does and tell him that he's a knucklehead for doing them. That will only make him shut you out.<P>This is about his porn use, right? So, tell him that when he looks at porn, you feel. . .rejected, dishonored, undesirable. . .you insert the word. Tell him how YOU feel, not what HE does. Cause he already knows what he does, he just doesn't understand how it affects you.<P>This is an addiction. Most people who have addictions are ashamed enough of them to know that they are bad, therefore they try to hide them. Belittling him because of an addiction will just make him feel defensive--remember to use the "I" language.<P>I know I am one to talk. . .my husband and I got into a wrestling match over the laptop 2 weeks ago after I saw him looking at dirty pictures. You know what I said to him after that incident? Nothing.<P>Even while we were having that big blow-up, I was thinking enough not to dog him about it. I just kept telling him how it made me feel. (Angrily, yes, I admit. I failed there.)<P>Tell you what. . .after he slept over at a friend's house for 3 nights, he came back. The incident was not mentioned by me. As much as I felt like saying "we need to talk," I have learned enough now to just leave some things alone until he's ready to discuss. Because it is something that causes him shame. Bringing shame to your marriage partner is the last thing that you want to do. <P>And we have had a beautiful week. This has probably been the best since before his affair. It's been great. He has been attentive, affectionate, and talkative. On the occasions that he is not so affectionate and lively, I don't automatically assume that "something is wrong." I leave him be and continue to be affectionate towards him. And it really does work.<P>This is my two cents--but I would revise the letter, Bluebird. I know that this is a difficult problem to deal with, I deal with it also. But be kind towards him, you do love him after all.<p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited August 17, 2001).]

Bluebird this is a letter I wrote my H. I wanted to share it with you. (I had help from the EN crowd revising it.)<P><BR>Hubby,<P> I love you very much. I feel as though you hear my words but<BR> never know what to say. Remember how I had said to you before<BR> that the next time I asked you to leave that it would be the<BR> last. I am so close to that breaking point. I don't want you<BR> to leave, but I need a commitment from you to work on our<BR> marriage.<BR> I don't expect changes over night but I want to be able to<BR> see progress. The other night when you broke down I thought<BR> you finally understood me, and since then you have said<BR> nothing or acted any different. I am not sure what to think<BR> about that.<BR> This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever said<BR> to you. I need you to commit yourself to try and help repair<BR> our marriage, I cannot live like this much longer. I am not<BR> issuing an ultimatum, I am issuing a plea. You keep saying<BR> to me that you need to find the time to help work on us.<BR> This hurts me so deeply, I feel like I am last place in <BR> your life. <BR> Maybe you don't know what I expect from you and that is <BR> what is holding you back. I don't want to tell you what you<BR> need to do, you need to find that for yourself. Other wise <BR> I think we are just pushing all the real issues to the side.<BR> I just want you to love me and care for me the way you used<BR> to, I miss us, and I miss having you in my life.

GodlyMan, Bernzini and SuzzieQ,<P>THank you for taking the time to read my letter and give me some hints on what to say. I AM feeling a lot of anger and resentment. I think that came out in the letter. SUzzieQ, thanks for sharing the letter you wrote to your hubby. I think I should cut and paste it and send it to him : )!! Actually though I need to write something from my heart that doesn't lovebust and make him feel defensive because I know my point won't come across then.<P>Thanks again,<P>Bluebird

Try again... and I am sure you can do it without LBs.<P>Anything that comes from your heart will be perfect.