Hi everyone!! I have a question that I hope someone can answer. From reading some of your posts--it seems like alot of you know who the OP is. Is this true?? Did your H/W tell you, did you just find out, or was it expected of you H/W to tell you?? I have no idea who the OW is. My H says it is over. I know that he still briefly "runs into her" on occassion but he USUALLY is honest if I ask if he saw her. I guess the wanting to know is basic couriosity but I think it would be helpful also. Is it an issue I should press or just if wants to tell me he will? He says that I don't know her and thats probably true. But I find myself looking at other women with a small daughter and wonder if that is her. I know that I am still very wet behind the ears with all of this but it nice to "listen" to others that have been going through this alot longer than me. Thanks in advance to any responses I get. Your advice and/or support are very much appreciated. ----K

I guess I would expect to be told who she is if I didn't already know. She, no doubt, knows who you are so you surely have a right to know who she is. It's not really fair for her to know who you are and for you to know nothing, espcially since you are the victim.

<BR>I couldn't handle the not knowing who the OM was. I was never told, either. I finally figured it out on my own, based on a few bits and pieces of info. The internet is a wonderful thing.<P>I believe you have a right to ask any question you want to have an answer to and the WS is obligated to give you a truthful answer. That's the ideal, but real life doesn't always give us what we consider ideal.<P>--<BR>o2bsane@hotmail.com<BR>

My H refused to tell me who OW was when I confronted him and he confessed the A and told me he was leaving me for her. Then a few days later we went to a huge wedding with his coworkers and it drove me crazy wondering if each of the women there was OW! I figured it had to be someone from work as he's a workaholic. It was. He finally told me about 5 days after d-day when I named who I thought it was. A single coworker who had been to our house, met my kids, done small favors for me all BEFORE the A became physical. It really freaked me out to know that it was her but at least then I KNEW what I was dealing with as H has mentioned her personality type a few times to me before his A really got going. That was helpful info to me and at least I knew she wasnt nearly as pretty as I am. H said he was attracted to her because she 'kept her desk so organized and her condo so tidy' - he 's a perfectionist about the housework and I have 3 kids whereas OW has none! Some comparison THAT was! lifeismessy

Yeah, I know who OW is. She works for our company in another region. In fact, he is on her way to meet her out there as we speak. She was bragging to some of our employees how she was going to meet him and that she'd gotten a hotel room for them. Our office manager is going on to another job so I will be working with her remotely. What fun!<BR>LMH<P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

Well, let's go to another family member. While you can not fully compare children to spouses still in the area of care and concern there are similar values. <P>If your child wanted to bring friends over and give them access to your entire home, wouldn't you want to know who they are? Your WS took a part of your home and shared it with and OP. Talk about invasion of privacy.......!<P>Yep, you have a right to know. Now, if your WS won't tell, how do you figure it out? Hm..... interesting question and there are a lot of ideas out there. <P>Here's some: <P>1. US search. Give whatever you know, address, ph#, name, etc. Cost a few $$. <P>2. Hire P/I. Cost a few $$$<P>3. Ask acquaintances. Could be less $$ but cost more in <BR> other ways. <P>4. Search computer. Ask Zorweb and others. They can give<BR> you the names of what to use. <P>5. Ask Jeeves and conduct your own search. A bit hard to <BR> but cheaper. <P>All the above have no guarantees. Be prepared for what you may fingd. Some of it is very hurtful. Once the anger passes, you can find uses for it but most of it is trash because that is what it is trash.<P>L.<BR>

OW#1 had been a friend of mine for over 2 yrs by the time the EA started between her and my H. So, I know all too well who she is, where she lives, her H, her dd, etc. Then there are OW#2 and OW#3. All I know are names, and at one time I had their phone numbers too.<P>My advice to you, if the A has gone PA: you do NOT want to know what the OP looks like. It causes HELL (to say the least) when intimacy is regained in your marriage. It can take a very long time to get her face out of your head. For me, it took a few months (3 I'd say).<P>I know that b/c of that, I have specifically told my H that I do NOT want to know what the other 2 look like. So even if we're out at a mall, and he tells me 'so and so' is there, and even if I beg him at the time to show me who she is... he better not! <P>So, I've been on both sides of it (kind of). If your H is telling you the truth in that you don't know who she is, then he should at least just give you a name. But if that name is of someone you know (from his work let's say), then you could be setting yourself up for some extra grief that you don't need .. trust me on that one.<P>Karen<BR>

It's my understanding that if a WS refuses to tell their S who the OP is, it is usually because they are protecting them. This is unacceptable. If your H has recomitted to the marriage, then his first priority should be doing whatever he has to do to make you feel secure, including telling you who the OW is. If you have decided you really do need to know, then he should absolutely tell you. The OP never has to wonder who the other person in the WS's life is and neither should the BS.<P>JAL

I know who the OW is, but I've never seen her - don't WANT to (thanks topie for reminding me why - ick) . Before the A, H told me he had lunch with her. Well I think beginnings of the EA were at this lunch. Just her first name. Then, when H went out of town I looked in his car to get something of mine out - found a "love" note signed by the same initial as the lunch woman. When H confessed to A, he told me it was the lunch woman. A little snooping got me her last name and cell phone number. I sent her 2 text msgs to her phone - nothing mean or anything. But enough to make her believe I was psycho , and who knows - maybe it helped to end the PA. That's all I know. Tried to find out where she works. I didn't pursue snooping too much.<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited August 17, 2001).]

I woudl go insane if I had no idea who the OW was. I would also assume that my H was trying to protect her and make it easier to hide things. I'd be wondering if every woman we saw was her. I have never seen the OW but have a detailed description from a friend who acidentally met her at a bar, figured out who she was and buddied up to her for the evening to check her out and report to me .OW had NO clue this person knew me, small world lol. From the second I suspected something was up I knew it was her. She had been an office temp at H's work and he was always telling me about all the sob stories she told him about her life and he felt soooo bad for her. Barf. He forgot to tell me that she also kept asking him out "for drinks".

I found out the other guy's first name only by reading my wife's journal. In my crazed period of begging and pleading with her to return, I looked up everyone in the area around where she moved to find people with that first name. Very distinctive(only 5 people anywhere in 100 "MILES" I then talked to her sister who told me where he lived so I found out exactly who he was. I know where he works, where he lives, his home number, his work number, that he has kids and just got a divorce himself. I don't know what he looks like and only heard his voice from his VM.<P>I thought I would hire a PI to find out all the dirt on the guy then I realized... wouldn't that same money go nicely to pay for piano lessons? Why waste my money on this goon?<P>Frankly, I know too much that I wish I didn't. He isn't our problem. He is a symptom of our problems. He will go away in time.

I only know that the OW is a co-worker of my H. I have no idea what she looks like have details but I never actually saw here. I'm sure she knows alot about me. That really S****! I feel I deserve to know the truth. I'm sure he feels he is trying to protect me. I don't even know OW and I have so much hate for her. I truly wish she would just fall off the face of the earth.<BR>cybil