Last night I sent my wife an e-card from our puppies. She still has to have some feeling for them. I don't know how often she checks her mail so I wasn't sure if she'd see it. It was so mushy and the music just made it more so. Just a simple "We're wondering how your doing Mommy. Dad is walking us and playing with us so we're happy. We love you Mommy, the Puppies" Probably not the best thing in the world to have done, but these two are her puppies too. She may feel she can up and walk away from us, but they ARE missing her. Our oldest, our baby is just not doing very well. She is very unhappy a lot lately. I try to play with her but she just doesn't seem to care with Mommy not being here. It makes me so sad to see her little face when she's sad.<P>Well this morning I got confirmation that she picked up the card. No reply obviously, that would mean she cared, but she did pick it up. So I'm happy and sad today.<P>SBT

I got this through e-mail today from my wife. What do you make of it? I'm almost disappointed that I heard from her. I really was expecting not to. Now I don't know what to think.<P>From: W<BR>To: SBT<P>I wanted to tell you happy birthday because I feel<BR>it's the right thing to do. I won't be calling you<BR>though. I hope the three of you are doing well.<P>Please don't read anything more in to this note.<P>I am happy and doing well.<BR>W<P>Aaarrrrrgggggggggggg!!!!<P>I was planning to send a Dobson letter to her today, but now I don't know what to do. Help!!<P>And why the part about not reading anything into it?<BR>

Sad_But_True,<BR>I'm so sorry for you with your current situation. As many posts so far have said, I think alot of us can see our own WS in the situations you are describling. This message is typical of ones I receive, occasionally, from my W. For the first few months she used to say ".. don't read too much into this". I take this to mean she does not want me to think that things are improving, she almost enjoys knocking me back.<P>I'm sure some explanation for the way you are being spoken to, can be attributed to the "Fog". The last time I spoke to my WS she started talking about the house been sold on the one hand, yet her engagement ring had appeared on her right hand. I've decided to back off for a few weeks to try and let her cool down, I have been sending re-assuring cards to her on a regular bais, but this time I have just sent an update card on how things are around the house. This maybe something for you to consider. <P>I'm not too sure what these Dobson letters are, if you are able to, could you explain further?, I guess alot of other BS may find these useful. Are they on a web site, or in a book etc?<P>Its very hard in a situation like ours, I think we know that we are doing the right thing, I have decided to back off a little and then I'll resume from where I was after the WS has calmed down a little.<P>Best wishes,<P>mands

ah, yes. it's our birthday week. Let's party all week. Mine's Friday.... <P>just a couple of updates from ya.... Do you have a job yet? Did you ever talk to W about your job? Is this the first time you've heard from her in a while?<P>I wouldn't read much into it. I know... easier said than done. Boy, if we had a nickel for all the minutes we spend trying to understand our WS's..... <P>I'm going to say don't read anything major into it. Just accept it as a birthday wish. I think it's a good sign, yes, that she at least thought of you and sent you something . Her defense mechanism is there "don't read anything into this".... I would reply back to her and cheerfully say thank you for the birthday wish and give her a brief update on the puppies, and tell her you are glad she's doing well, and to take care. and you hope to talk to her soon. <P>well, I wouldn't fire that letter off right away. not after her nice birthday gesture. <P>Would you like to post the letter here - or a synopsis and your intentions - for a little critiquing? ... just a suggestion... i wrote a Plan A/Dobson letter a while back and I'm very glad I did. DOn't know how effective it was, but it was good for ME and my peace of mind, to know H knws where I stand.

My Dobson Letter.<P> <A HREF="http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/A0011702.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/A0011702.html</A> <P>------------------------------------------------------<P>W, <P>The last couple of months have been extremely difficult for me. My love for you is so great that I couldn’t face the possibility of spending my life without you. I had always expected to marry only one time and spend my life in that marriage. When you decided to leave it was a severe shock to see that our relationship had gotten to the point that you felt leaving was the only option.<P>I have done a lot of self-exploration in the last several weeks. I talked with family and friends, with two different therapists and with myself. I read, I wrote, I talked. I never realized how much pain was in my life. How unhappy I really was. How unhappy you were. I’ve now put all of it on the table, including my terrible addiction. I will no longer let them control me or my future. I am truly happy for the first time in almost 30 years. I thank you for helping me face my pain.<P>However, in accepting my own role in the breakdown, I’ve come to realize that all the things I’ve been saying and doing since you left were attempts to hold you against your will. I can no longer do that. I look back on our time together and realize that I didn’t beg or manipulate you to marry me. You married me because you had love in your heart. You saw the possibility of a life together, of growing old together. You were the perfect person for me. But, I can’t force you to stay now any more than I could have forced you to marry me.<P>So, I give you, along with my forgiveness, your freedom. I hope you are able to find the love and happiness that you deserve and that you seek. The puppies and I will be fine.<P>I only wish for your happiness W. You were my first real love and I will always look fondly on the days we had together. Moving into our first apartment, lunches at the snack shop in Kansas between classes, bringing home Zelda as she ran circles around the floorboard, and finally sitting on the beach in Carmel and watching and listening to the ocean. Those will always be with me, in my memory and in my heart. As will you.<P>If you never contact me again, I will know where your heart lies. Please find your happiness… you deserve it.<P>SBT<P><p>[This message has been edited by sad_but_true (edited September 10, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Faith1:<BR><B>just a couple of updates from ya.... Do you have a job yet? Did you ever talk to W about your job? Is this the first time you've heard from her in a while?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not yet but I'm not desperate yet. I am interviewing with Microsoft and got to the second round, so I feel pretty good.<P>I didn't tell her, nor will I until after I get the next one and have been with it for a while. This is the first time I've heard from her in 3 weeks. That was when I called about the puppy and she asked me if I was going to file papers. Had the puppy not needed to go to the vet it would probably have been 5 weeks now with no contact.<P>I had been sending a newsletter weekly to a bunch of people so that she didn't think I was pressuring her. Then right after that call I quit sending them to her family. A week ago her sister and aunt sent me e-mails seeing how I was, and my neighbor(who my wife suggested I talk to) asked me how I was and what was going on. The timing just seems weird.<P>Oh well! I'll just look at this as a nice note from my best friend and nothing more.<P>See you Friday Faith! Well here anyway. <BR>

Sad_but_true,<BR>Thanks for the Dobson link, greatly appreciated<P>mands

just a couple of thoughts off the top of my head.... I hope you get some more opinions......<P>there's always some disagreement on the boards here about Dobson and how his letter fits in with Plan A and Plan B. THis letter is almost Plan B. <P>just my opinion.... you need to remain in Plan A a little while longer. The letter I wrote was very similar (yours is almost right out of the book), except I modified mine MORE towards Plan A. JMHO.... I included in the letter my desire and belief in reconciliation... that i loved him and believed we could learn how to make the marriage better than it was. I expanded a little more about why I loved him. I ended by letting him know I was open for counseling and reconciliation for a time, but he would have to meet me 1/2-way. <P>What do you think? Are you intending to Plan B? no contact? If you are intending on demonstrating your changes and your love and commitment to her, you are still in Plan A, and I think should communicate this love and commitment more in the letter.<P>Perhaps say that you are releasing her to take some time to "think things through" - instead of just releasing her period. <P>

She actually is maintaining the no contact. I just got tired of calling her and getting yelled at or writing and getting no response. I'm doing a modified Plan B, and cutting contact down to almost nothing. In the book Solo Partner they talk about the Distancer/Pursuer thing. Right now she is running like crazy, and I'm expected to give chase. So I'm basically standing still waiting for her to stop and look back over her shoulder. When she's stopped and doesn't feel like I'm pressuring any more than I'll get back into Plan A.<P>I know it's almost right out of the book. I'm still working on it to make it more "mine."<P>I may need to revisit what I need to do. I have been focusing on dealing with my issues that I've not really communicated them to her. Hmmm! Now you've got me thinking.<P><p>[This message has been edited by sad_but_true (edited September 10, 2001).]