I have posted this in D/D, and added the things happened in the six weeks since he left me. This is going to be a long post, sorry in advance!!!<P>My story is a long one, but I'll try to summarize. We have been together 17 years, ten of them married. We have had ups and downs along the way, but the last two years our life circumstances have put additional pressure on us. We moved to another country for his work, we sold our home before we left. The new country was tough to adapt to (Mozambique). Last year my brother died. Then my H got another job so we moved countries again, and then he had an affair, along with which came an AIDS scare, which thankfully turned out okay. (By the way, he doesn't think these events have anything to do with our situation).<P>After the affair we decided to try to put things back together, and visited this website for information. We Plan A'd and things seemed to be great. I guess we should have gone to counseling, too. But things were going fine, except that dealing with the affair was not easy for me. I found it was having such a bad effect on my life in a cyclic wave (great days, bad days) that I decided to let it go, forgive him and trust him again. So I told him. This was June 20th.<P>Two days later he tells me he wants to leave, that he is tired of working at it all the time, that he has never loved me as much as I love him, and that he has to go and make up his mind whether he wants to continue the marriage. He asked me to give him space, which I did. He put a gigantic wall between us and couldn't even look at me. The only time I contacted him was to ask him to phone the kids, arrange visitation and to send him the "letting go" letter. He told the kids to phone him any time they like (they are 8, 5 and 3). He has only phoned them three times in six weeks, but he refutes this.<P>So we agreed to go to counseling during his time away, and the one and only session was awful, happened 10 days after he left. Basically, I don't know if the counselor was a good one or not, but what she did was say stuff to him like, "Well you sound like you've already made up your mind" and he said "Yes...I don't want to try again". He doesn't want any more counseling. I was stunned, I though he was going away to think about it, and that 10 days wasn't long enough. His reply was he has to be selfish right now and he feels better away from me.<P>I think he's going through a mid-life crisis or a nervous breakdown. His behavior is totally out of character. He is being very hard about all of this, even his kids don't seem to matter. If this is what he wants, I have to go back to our own country for support from my family and he will be working here for another two years. He was so matter-of-fact about not seeing the kids for this length of time.<P>I felt that I was doing the best I could to meet his needs over the last six months (since the affair) and he was doing a pretty good job of meeting mine until about a month before he left, when I noticed the beginnings of his "wall" going up.<P>Since then he has barely talked to me, and kept that wall up. But on Thursday he chose to talk to me and said nothing has changed. Mind you he has never said the D word, he just agreeed with the c when she said it. I told him a lot of Plan A stuff, Lb'd, but not much, and asked him to think about what I'd said. But at the end of the conversation he told me he had taken a mutual girl friend for a drive in the past week, and when asked, said he didn't know if he'd take her out again or not. (BTW, he only told me because another mutual friend found out about it and told him she would tell me if he didn't...he said he told me because he wanted to be honest with me.)<P>Thing is, before he left, he was showing signs of another A, and I DID suspect this girl. I said "I'm more disappointed in her than you". By the way, this "girl" has been married and divorced three times, the last divorce was finalised a month ago, and she also dumped her then-current boyfriend at around the same time my H put up his wall.<P> I just don't know how to deal with this. I am in a strange country with only one good friend, and she has been great. But nothing can be resolved when he has such a wall up. I am Plan A'ing, but losing hope. What do I do?<BR>

Nina:<P>I am so sorry you are dealing with this pain again.<P>What should you do? All you can do is plan A right now. Avoid LB's as much as possible.. stay away from selfish demands, disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts. We all know how hard that part of plan A is, but it's absolutely vital! Fulfil your H's EN's as much as he will allow as well.<P>Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do for him otherwise. You cannot force him into any decisions, you just cannot make him do anything. Even if you try, he'll just do what he wants to do anyways, and everything you would try to stop him would only be a bigger LB each time.<P>Every time you are feeling like you're losing hope, come here. Weekends are always slower than during the week, but there are those of us who still lurk around 7 days a week (grin). <P>You need to remember that you have more power than you think right now. True, you cannot control your H's actions. But you can control yours. You can do things for you that make you a better and stronger person. You can come here to vent as much as you need to.. there is always someone listening.. even if they don't post a reply.<P>Karen

Thanks Topie,<P>I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. I know from all I've read here what I should do. I will cut and paste what I said tonight over at D/D:<P>Okay,<P>I have read and read and READ and I have come to this conclusion:<P>That he admitted he took her out gives me all the knowledge I need, and pain, too. I DO NOT need the added pain of his wrung out confession and big time excuses. I have all the proof I need...last time I needed to know, this time, this timeI think I can work it out for myself.<P>Where to now? Well, tomorrow I'm going to tell him that I intend on moving back to OZ. If ANYTHING will make that man think, I know it in my gut. And I'm sorry to say it will be because of the kids, not me. I don't think I'm using his love for the kids, however, it is a thing I have to do, for me. <P>In my gut, I know it is best for me to make this decision, because it will do SOMETHING to him, one way or the other. And as I said before I need to know where I stand, and this is just a different way of finding that out. Don't get me wrong...I intend on going back home. But it just might make him think.<P>The other reason is that I want to keep my dignity. He doesn't think I will do this until forced to...no, I will willingly go. I can't stand this any more. And I will Plan B him while I'm there. And it's a sick kind of revenge I suppose, because one day, he will see that I did everthing I could to save our marriage, because I loved him so much, and he will, at times regret what he's done.<P>So I will batle on...but it's hard, when it's late at night where I am and I don't want to go to an empty bed.<P>Nina<BR>

Dear Nina too,<BR> One thing that seems to come out here is how we are all getting stronger day by day. Some would think of it as a humiliating experience, being betrayed by our spouse. But it actually has made me more aware of my dignity. I have honor; I respect myself; I am able to do the right thing. <BR> I agree that you don't need to know details. It bogs us down, makes it worse. Knowing the reality is enough. <BR> I've started sleeping in the middle of the bed. I gets lonely but just remember, none of us are really alone. We've all got each other. <BR> Stay online and keep in touch. We are praying for you.<BR>LMH<P>------------------<BR>Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer. Romans 12:12

Thanks for your support. It really, really helps. And yes, though I have had the roughest two weeks, I can feel qualities in myself that I never knew I had. It helps.<P>Well I told him I was going back to Oz in this way: <P>Me: (Throughout, I use a quiet voice, because this is painful for me, non aggressive, just quiet.) "I have made a decision. I am going back to Australia. So I have to go by October 8."<P>Him (stands still for about five seconds just looking at me...no expression change.)<P>Me: (I wait for him to say something)<P>Him: Why October 8?<P>Me: Kid's school term starts then in Australia.<P>Him (Another expressionless stare - I look right back)<P>Me: I have to go because I originally came here to support you and your career, but that's not happening now, I can't do it when we are separated. <P>Him: (Turns away, says to the wall) "The support wasn't important, I don't need it." (Sighs, hunches over, turns and gives me a long hug....first touching in about four weeks - just stood there hugging me.)<P>Me: (As he finished hugging me, looked him right in the eye)<BR>I haven't given up on us and I never will. That's not why I'm going.<P>Him: (Stood there, nodded his head and his eyes started to tear up - comes and gives me another long hug - speaks in a choked voice) I better go see the kids.<P>Well there is a lot more that happened, and I did LB, but I'll post it in D/D if you want to see it. How do you think it went? What do you think of his reaction, given that my going home has always been known to us if we don't reconcile (it is a long story, but he leaves this country to go to another in January...I CANNOT stay alone here cos of visa things).<P>I appreciate your inputs!