H. (who is WS) is moving out September 1st and refuses to tell me where he will be living, which is also where our three small children will be spending one night a week and every other weekend. I am trying very hard to be considerate and kind (buying him things I know he'll need and helping him pack) and he is being vile and nasty most of the time.<P>My main concern is the welfare of our children and I will do anything and everything to ensure that the children are in a safe environment and well taken care of. I will fight each and every issue that I don't think is in the children's best interests. I am the stable, responsible, and caring parent and H. is the fly by the seat of your pants kinda guy, rules are meant to be bent or broken. His counselor has told him that "his mental health sucks" and he told me just the other day that he is barely hanging on by a thread. His previous role as a stable father has recently turned into him keeping the kids out extra late, taking them to a July 4th festival at 9:30 Pm in their p.j.'s and stopping at a neighborhood park at 11:15 PM on their way home, skipping lunch but then buying them root beer floats instead, the list unfortunately goes on. Our middle child fell half way through an ice fishing hole last winter while in his care, and our oldest child saved our youngest child from falling into the lake across the street from our house while in his care as well. <P>Our divorce will be final by the time MEA school conferences roll around and it will be H's weekend to have the kiddies (ages 2, 5, and almost 7). He asked me if he can have them the Friday before and the Monday after so it will be a four day weekend for them. I told him I wasn't sure yet but I'd let him know. He told me he needs to know soon because he wants to take them on a mini vacation to the Wisconsin Dells (waterpark, playstuff, etc).<P>My heart sank just thinking about him alone with those three young kids for four days at a busy waterpark, and I then recall those words his counselor said, and his own words about barely hanging on. I told him I didn't think it is a great idea so soon after the divorce and I mentioned his unstable mental health and he, of course, became very irritated. He told me he can take them where ever he wants to when he has them. I told him that I'd sincerely like to hear what he counselor has to say. He said we will have a knock down, dragged out divorce if I involve his counselor.<P>Do you guys think I have valid concerns about his mental health and him taking the kids out of state for four days? Or do I just "bite the bullet" and hope they all come back home alive and well? I am terrified just thinking about it all!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Wifeofcop (edited August 18, 2001).]

Honestly?<P>I'd be talking to my attorney to get your H's psyche records subpoenaed. I'd be asking for supervised visitation only. I'd be filing temporary motions and throwing fits in court.<P>Take care of your kids.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

I agree with BR. What would you feel like if something happened to the kids and you had done nothing about stopping them going when you've had these bad feelings? You'd hate yourself. Don't let that happen.<P>When H and I were separated, I refused to let him have any of the boys overnight until I saw with my own eyes, the place where he was living. For the most part, I trusted that he wouldn't do anything or have anything around that would harm them, but there was still that doubt. He was well aware of it too. It was a simple enough condition that I made a priority as far as overnight visitations were concerned.<P>It is true, that when he has them, he can take them anywhere he wants to... HOWEVER.. I do believe that going out of state is a different situation. Again, talk to a lawyer and find out.<P>If you are most definitely heading towards a D, and there's no doubt about it, if I were you I would be fighting tooth and nail to make his life absolutely miserable.. in a very legal way. Call it revenge if you will.. but that's me. I will not sit back and let someone make life decisions for me.<P>To answer your question, I do believe that you have valid concerns regarding his mental health. And I think you should do whatever you think is best. Go with your gut feelings!!!<P>Karen<BR>

Thanks BR and Topie for your advice! It is so hard for me to think rationally when I am in the thick of this situation, plus my H. is always telling me that I have been schooled in the fine art of exaggeration, so I question myself, especially seeing as H. has always been a model father up until his affair began approximately a year ago.<P>The kids love him dearly and look forward to spending time with him, it will break all of our hearts if he only has supervised visits for awhile. I do feel bad about his mental health and I feel that him spending time with the kids will help him, and if he could just not rock the boat for awhile until he gets more counseling sessions under his belt, things would be fine. I just feel as though he has no common sense these days and I worry about the kids. <P>I don't want to blow this situation out of proportion, but I feel with this issue that people who are outsiders looking in have a better insight as to what should happen, so I thank you both for your thoughts!<p>[This message has been edited by Wifeofcop (edited August 18, 2001).]

WOC,<P>I don't think having a root beer float for lunch is going to hurt the children. In fact, if they did nothing but eat junk food while they are with him they will survive. I know Mom's worry about these things. But, the kids will survive with Dad as far as food is concerned. <P>However, there is no way on God's Green Earth that I would let him have the children when you don't know where he lives. I also would not let him take the children out of state until his mental state improves. On these issues I would seek a court order to make darn sure that you have control of this situation.<P>As a male, I have seen many divorced W's use the kids for revenge, to drag men through court, and simply as a pawn in their games. It makes me sick to my stomach. It is enough to sometimes think women should never be given an choices with children other than to have them. These women behaved as if they were the only ones entitled to the children and they were simply possessions.<P>I am not saying you are this way. But, do try to avoid this type of behavior. It will hurt the children, and at best they would be totally screwed up. At worst, you will do even worst damage. It isn't the H that ends up getting hurt.<P>So my recommendation is not to play games with H. But be very straight forward. Until certain things happen he cannot have them: you know where they will be living with him, you know how to reach them and H, and his mental condition improves. <P>While you are doing that, offer him the opportunity to come and see them as much as he would like. It will be an imposition on you, but that is the least you can do.<P>I realize he is a cop and as such prone to believe he is above the law, or able to make the law fit his view of things. I am sure this divorce will be an eye opener for him.<P>So get the appropriate orders to make sure you know where the children are staying, and I would definitely not allow him to go anywhere distant until the psych's say he is more stable.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi Woc,<P>I am sorry you are having to deal with such an attitude. But since he is giving you the attitude then you need to look out for the interests of your children. Taken from that angle, you should let your attorney know. <P>JL and the others are right, it is important to keep the record clear, if you sense or can prove neglect then you have the right as a parent to ensure proper behavior around your children. A parent who says they can do whatever they want is not wrong but does it MAKE it right? No these are not toys or rag dolls, they are children, your children. Would your H allow anyone else to treat them with such disrespect? Probably not, then why is he special?<P>Ok, I'll step off my soap box. Being a good parent vs a wayward parent is hard. 2nd to this BS and WS thing. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>I don't think having a root beer float for lunch is going to hurt the children. In fact, if they did nothing but eat junk food while they are with him they will survive. I know Mom's worry about these things. But, the kids will survive with Dad as far as food is concerned. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I realize that if poor eating habits are the worst thing that happen to the kiddies while in H's care, I should thank my lucky stars. I am the first to admit that I may possibly be a tiny little bit overprotective concerning my offspring and I'll have to lighten up in that area when the aliens bring back H's common sense.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>However, there is no way on God's Green Earth that I would let him have the children when you don't know where he lives. I also would not let him take the children out of state until his mental state improves. On these issues I would seek a court order to make darn sure that you have control of this situation.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I always value everyone's advice on MB, but your above response truly has an impact. You always say it as you see it and have never been afraid to disagree with me. I never thought I'd see the day when JL says I need more control!!! When JL agrees wholeheartedly with me, I truly know I'm doing something right!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>As a male, I have seen many divorced W's use the kids for revenge, to drag men through court, and simply as a pawn in their games. It makes me sick to my stomach. It is enough to sometimes think women should never be given an choices with children other than to have them. These women behaved as if they were the only ones entitled to the children and they were simply possessions.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Believe me JL, I would never do anything to hurt my kids, and I know using them as pawns would do just that. I want the kids to get through this divorce as unscathed as humanly possible. H. has always been a hands-on, model father who loves spending time with the kids. I never worried about them while they were in his care up until last year. When I started this post, I was actually hoping the general response would be that I am over reacting. <P>H. wants a separation and I am the one pursuing the divorce and I wonder if he is being difficult simply because of that. I have come a long way in the past year and I even told H. that I do forgive him for his affair. I am still working on everything that transpired since D-Day though and he knows that. I don't look forward to constant battles concerning the kids, and I want this whole process to run as smooth as possible for everyone's sake-the kids' futures depend on it, H's mental health, and my physical health.<P>For H's mental health I know that him having the kids would help him tremendously, and I would love to see that happen. I would love nothing more than for him to be the person he used to be, or even a person who has no mental instability, and for me to have no worries about him with the kids. If he could just realize that I am on his side and not get so hostile with me and not play games with me. I am trying so hard to be helpful as I know the move for him will be a huge transition in every way. He just can't seem to drop the cocky attitude. He knows I have every right to know where he will be living and he knows why it bothers me when he doesn't tell me, so I am left to think that he is the one who is game playing.<P>My heart will break for him and for the kids if we have to do supervised visits. I am hoping he will come to his senses and just tell me where he will be living, and to agree to not take them out of state until his mental health improves.<P>Per my attorney's suggestion, I want H. and I to sign a document stating that neither of us will bring other people into the kid's lives for at least six months, and even then they should be people that we have an exclusive relationship with...he is unsure if he will sign such a thing, isn't that sad???<P>I thought living through his affair was bad, but this divorce stuff is a million times worse!!!