This is a post from the D/D Forum authored by "Distressed". Thought is a good read. (Hope you don't mind, Distressed):<P>Topic: Is your X a Decent Person<P>There isn't an easy answer to this question. As someone else wrote, "decent" definitely is a subjective assessment. My strong opinion is that very few people in the world deliberately act to hurt others. In fact, I'd say that probably less than 1% of the population are "evil" - or for purposes of this discussion, deliberately act to hurt others for their own gain, with no sense of personal remorse or guilt.<P>I do think, however, that MANY people rationalize to extremes, especially when in an affair. Everyone needs to be able to look at themselves in the mirror every morning, and avoid razor blade to wrists at every opportunity. I think that if many of these waywards could be objective about what they're doing, it would destroy them. Denial is a defense mechanism. Sometimes it's a temporary "fog" that keeps them mostly deluded during the affair, and sometimes it's lack of character that keeps them from ever looking inside to evaluate or change their behavior. In my opinion, both are equally prevalent in these situations. <P>I don't think Harley emphasizes enough the reasonable likelihood (again, I say 50%) that someone that's having an affair, and chooses deliberately to continue it without any remorse, suffers from major character defects that probably always existed and are unlikely to change. If the problem exists within the wayward, there is nothing that the betrayed can do to change the situation. I'll put myself out on a limb here, and suggest that during marriage to this kind of person, there likely was very little emotional intimacy since the person has major trouble communicating their needs in a positive manner.<P>I think Harley suggests a two year wait because it's difficult to discriminate between those "lost in love" during the heat of the affair, and those that are truly "lost" and don't have the character to ever look at themselves and make changes. Two years gives the person time to show which is most likely. Frankly, I think it will be a cold day in **** before my husband ever apologizes for his behavior and we're now three years into his affair. I don't think it's that he's not "decent", but more likely he's taking the easiest path for him, the one that allows him to avoid personal suffering for what he has done. He's not strong enough to deal with himself. In a way, he is to be pitied. I'm very glad to be rid of him as he could easily have become a lifetime project if he came back when my arms were still open (and with my far greater awareness as a result of having lived through this). And I am just the type to make that kind of commitment. Thank G-d I'm out of it.<P>Character becomes obvious only during the critical times in life, which is probably why so many of us went so long without seeing this in our spouses. It's always easy to do what you want. It takes personal strength and conviction to take a course of action that isn't what "feels good", but which your mind and conscience tells you is the right course. I think almost everyone that visits this site does exactly that.<P>One final point. There is a difference between taking the difficult route in order to achieve an objective (character)and sacrificing a life for someone that doesn't deserve it (martyrdom). Betrayeds can be in as much denial as waywards. That's why I like the two year rule.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 19, 2001).]
