Okay those who know me know that I filed for divoce, I didn't do Plan B as I was in a place where this was not an option when H quit his job, packed & shipped out stuff back to the states& went to live with OW that I filed for divorce. Things are moving slowly on the D front, I am in no hurry. I don't know if H is happy, he doesn't look like it but I am not sure I care. I let him see the boys whenevr he wants, which is most wkends(Sat & Sun)then he usually comes once during the wk. He lives a hr to hr & half away from us depending traffic. I have let him know that anytime he can make football practice that I have no problem him seeing the boys, I let OS know that I told his dad he was welcome any day (admit apart of it was to show OW will not let H come that often).<P>H & I are civil. He calls the boys during the wk but not often. Now my ????'s. Do I email & let him know all he little things that go with the boys or just let him miss out. He hasn't talked to the boys since Wed & Thur. He missed hearing how excited YS was about being mayor of his class this 6 wks. When I have told him things, I get no reponse.<P>Any ideas? I don't care about Plan Aing anymore. I am at peace with my marriage ending, not happy about it but don't think I take my H back even if he came crawling through a yard infested by fireants.<P>

Hey sing/magnolia,<P>Well... I'm not around much, but I seem to get on here when you're here, eh?<P>I say this: he hasn't wanted to know the little things, so don't share them.<P>Tell him (of course) the big things... and if he specifically asks something, like "How is YS doing in school?" then say, "Oh, he was mayor last quarter" or something like that.<P>How are you besides this? You *sound* pretty good.

I agree with Nyneve. Let him miss out. If the boys want him to know about those little things that are going on in their lives, let THEM call their dad or let their dad call them. Should your H ask you for updates, then that's a different story. Just don't volunteer any information. He chose to leave his family, allow him to suffer the consequences so to speak.<P>I think you should also encourage your kids to call their dad whenever they feel like it too (within reasonable time frames of course). But by the sounds of it, you're already creating an open door policy for them. I think that's great.<P>Karen<BR>

Hi Sing,<P>My 2 cents is not to share everything. He could take it as why bother, she will tell me anyway. OW could promote that attitude also. <P>Let the boys communicate. Without any holds barred. They can share their joys and frustrations. Let him see what it feels like to hear it from the source. <P>Then you will not be used as the blame factor. If he is dumb enough to try, you can step back and call in your reinforcments, the boys. Children have a way of making the parents feel guilty. When the reason is valid, more so let them do what children do best. <P>JMHO, you take care of yourself. You are a good lady. We won't let you forget it ok? <P>L.

Thanks ladies. Now I just need to break the 6 yr habit of emailing him, telling him what is going on in their lives when he is travling. If he wants to know he will call. <P>I do encourage them to call & tell him things, for the most part they wouldn't do it if I wasn't pushing it.<P>

Sing,<P>I am going to disagree with everybody.<BR>I think that it is very easy for the children to get caught up in the whole mess, even if it is unintentional.<BR>I believe that you should continue to let your H know the details of the kids lives. He may see what he is missing out on and become a better father to those children. I am not saying that you have to report every sneez, caugh etc.. Letting him know about the mayor thing is a good idea. If the children are struggling or have some great news, let him know. <BR>My fear is that if you leave it up to the children to initiate contact, they may not. It could be awkward for them or there could be a myriad of "reasons" that they don't. As mothers, it is our responsibility to make sure that our children get everything they need to suceed in life. For boys, a very important part of that is their relationship with their father. If their father is doing a less than stellar job in his role, then we, as mothers, may just need to keep nudging them along. Put aside all feeligs between you and H and make your decision based ONLY on what is best for the children. <BR>They don't need to see that OW is controlling their dad's time or that he sucks as a parent right now. They don't see or process things the way we do. They will personalize things. It is your job to protect them from that.<P>I hope you don't take this as too pushy, Sing. I believe that you are a strong kind woman. I know that you have been dealt more than your fair share. I just feel that the children have to be protected and nurtured above all else.<P>cleo