My H has 3 kids from a previous marriage , 2 of which are living with him now, the other is out on her own. The 2 that are living with him are 16 and 19. H and I have been married for 12 years, and these kids lived with us for all of that time. My question- he has introduced the OW to them as a new friend, telling them that he met her after he and I separated. <P>I want to tell them the truth. OW has a 17 year old daughter that knows the truth. If their relationship continues, I do believe that eventually it will come out, and I would rather the kids hear it from one of us, but H doesn't seem to be able or willing. <P>I also don't want to make H and OW's relationship easier- but it would be a huge LB for H. However, it is also coming between my relationship with my step kids- they are aware of some of what's going on with H and feel like they have to hide it from me to protect both him and my feelings. What to do?

I think the kids can figure it out on there own, however if they ask questions, tell them the truth. I would not go out of my way to make things worse. I have never said anything bad about my ex or went out of my way to say anything to her family, they have all started to figure out the truth and my stepson is now starting to resent her for telling the lies that she told him. So I thing they reap what they sow and the truth prevails<P>

I tend to agree with jabber, but it bothers me to see lies perpetuated. My 13 yo son knows that I and outsiders consider my wife's situation to be an "affair", but she has used a Clintonian defense to give him doubts. I would like to see honesty prevail, but I will not cause harm to my son at this point by trying to prove his Mom wrong. Nonetheless, I have a constant internal struggle with trying to figure out which is worse - allowing her to teach him that it's OK for lies and mistakes to be perpetuated, or trying to communicate the truth.<P>WAT

My grownup kids know. I never intended for them to know, although they picked up that we were having problems. Their daddy told them that I had gone crazy, thinking that he had cheated on me, even though he never had, blah, blah. <P>Anyway, when I got fed up 2 years ago and walked out (disappeared for a few days) on him after catching him up at Cafe Woman's restaurant, I called to let my daughter know that I was OK. She went off on me, big time; and I finally told her that I was not crazy...that she needed to ask her dad how come he gave me an STD.<P>Hated to do that, but felt backed into a corner and betrayed by my kids.<P>

I have wondered if things would have been easier if I'd kept my mouth shut with my kids about my H's affair. I think that they resented him when he came back home. I told them all too many details of things when my H was living in his apartment. Since my H has not been able to speak openly with the kids about how sorry he is, I think they resent that. I have kept my mouth shut during the six weeks since my H has come home. He had told me it was over with OW, but it turns out it hasn't been. He has seen her and talked to her plenty. Consequently, he's changed his mind about working on our marriage EVERY SINGLE DAY. My kids know none of this. As far as they are concerned, we continue to work towards saving the marriage. It's basically the only good thing my H can say about me right now, is that he appreciates that I've kept all this to myself. Hope this helps.

My kids know of the OW dad's "friend". 17 yr old son saw them together and confronted my H before I even knew OW existed. What a way to find out huh? My 11 yr.old D knows more than she should and that makes me feel terrible and my youngest doesn't really understand only knows that daddy doesn't live with us anymore. It's so confusing for the kids. I try to give them all the love and reassurance that I possibly can!<BR>cybil

My 6 year old son knows. We talk and he does voice his opinion and concern. This is part of the repair work my H has in family recovery. Regaining the trust of a child is a challenge in its self. However, children are very atune to when a parent is withholding info or lying. My son knew what I felt he need to know. This was based on his questions. I gave him a lot of reassurance and he sees the difference between his dad and myself. NOw it is up to his dad to restore his son's trust. <P>Many of our son's questions now are gently directed to his father. Good practice since dad has been home. But our son has been a bit reluctant to speak to dad directly. I am working with both of them on this. <P>L. <BR>

OK. Maybe I'm being selfish or something, but this just really makes me angry. H is presenting OW as a new friend to the older kids. I was all for keeping them in the dark when he was keeping her away from them- but now he has introduced her to them. This is making my relatioship with them harder- not knowing what to tell me or what to keep from me, etc.<P>I want them to know that their relationship was going on while they were both still living with their spouses- that their relationship is the reason that their Dad has been so moody and selfish, that is the reason that he kept disappearing while he was still living here, lieing to all of us.<P>This is a life lesson- moral values and stuff. I do not want them to think that it is OK to leave your marriage and kids without trying. I would not do this to try to get them to take sides- just try to explain what's been going on, why I've handled things the way I have, how important they are to me, how important the whole family is to me- and maybe deep down, I just want them to think she's a slut and not like or accept her.<P>I don't want to let him get away with blaming all of his less than acceptable fathering over the last year on his unhappiness with me- it was to be with her. I want them to understand the harm an affair causes. I don't want them to make the same mistake in their own marriages.<P>Help!

Cloudy,<P>Is there some way you can think of to find out if they already suspect the affair? My then 16 year old figured it out as soon as her father left, but didn't say anything to me for six weeks, until he introduced the younger kids to the OW without my knowledge. My son at one point said that one of the worse things a parent can do is lie to their kids. <P>If you cover for him, sooner or later they will probably find out anyway, and then they won't trust you either. <P>For society as a whole, I think keeping affairs secret has done terrible damage. The myth that people divorce because they are "not happy" or "don't get along" has been perpetuated far to long, and these obviously flimsy excuses have resulted in many children blaming themselves. As someone one another board pointed out, probably far fewer, if any, children blame themselves for their parents' separation/divorce when the affair is out in the open.

The kids do have some suspicions, but they are asking H and not me. He is lying to them. I do have concerns that when they do find out, they will resent both of us- him for lying and me for covering.

Moving up

ive managed to keep my H A from the kids (reasons as told in a previous post) i just feel what they dont know cant hurt them

My real concern is the 2 kids living with H. I also have a 21 year old step daughter and know that she met the OW and asked how long she and H had been seeing each other- his answer was vague- she asked if H was seeing OW while still living with me- he told her no. Step-daughter asked if OW was married- H told her no (she's not married now, got divorced about 2 months ago due to A).<P>So, H is introducing kids to OW as new friend. I want to tell them the truth or at least not lie to them when they ask questions. 2 younger kids that live with me have no idea, have not been introduced and H has agreed not to introduce them to her until / unless we divorce, so I will not tell them anything.