I have a concern that there are issues that we are not addressing & as time passes I have a concern that these may resurface.<BR>In our 30 + years of marriage she has yet to tell me that she loves me. Affection & Admiration are two needs that I have identified to her that I need to have some assurances in this recovery. She initially said that she could not change, but has improved in these areas. She has not embraced the Harley Principles, but understanding he list Physical Attractiveness as a need she has felt comfortable verbalizing that this is important & that I had let my weight go, ECT. – she has not read what Harley says about this need even though I have left it out for a week now.<P>If you read my posts you know I do not feel comfortable with how she dresses and interacts with other guys when we are out. She works three days a week and in her free time goes to the pool by herself wearing a bikini. She says that the A’s were not her fault, that she was a victim. This is hard to believe when after the first encounter in our home & the guy did not call back, she pursued him with numerous calls. Then his buddy stopped by and said he knew about her & his friend, and she invited him into our house for sex with him. In our first 29 years of marriage we averaged having sex 3 to 4 times a year. Since January of 2000 her level of interest is extremely high – prior to during & since we average almost 2 x’s a day.<BR>She says she &she tells me her counselor agree that she does not have any sexual addiction problems.<BR>I have a concern that she is giving signs that she is open to flirtation and advancements & ultimately may find herself in situation where she looses control and “falls to temptation” again & she again just says “he made the advance, I wasn’t looking for anything, and I just lost control & fell to temptation”<P>10 years ago she was going to be a part of a divorce case involving a couple she babybsat for. The wife was calling her to testify in court & take a deposition about this. The husband supposed said my W made passes towards him. My W of course denies this. They reconciled and changed baby sitters – I cannot figure our why she was going to be a part of this because of imagined advancements? I’m not positive I want to really find the truth about this incidence, but I think it may confirm a pattern of dangerous attitude or activities that she otherwise says is not a problem & that I’m too paranoid.<P>I should add that a part of her confession on D-day was that “men find me attractive” and she gave examples of flirtations – a salesman recently had asked her "How does your husband let you out, looking as good as you do?!” She works in a mall & she said that I would not approve of conversations she has with salesman at men’s clothing store. She says that she knows I compliment her a lot, it’s just that other men’s compliments have more meaning. For her last date (on D/Day) she had spent $200 at the Limited on short skirt & couple blouses (she wasn’t sure which to wear). She said that a part of they’re meeting was spent with him holding her & telling her how hot she looks! <P>I have this notion that if she toned her dress down & acted with some reserve around guys, she could limit the flirtations. I don’t think she really wants to limit the attention she receives from other guys. My point is why not limit temptations before they get started.<BR>Peace,<BR>HH

Saturday my W goes shopping for upcoming wedding presents. She of course comes home with new victory secret bra & panties plus two tops from the GAP (one is tank top with label that reads “Stretch”) – you’ll remember a few weeks ago I counted 96 tops – she has since added at least 5 – She wore ¾ length pants (name for them?) with light, sleeveless, button down the middle top with a collar – sounds innocent enough, huh? She had bottom of top pulled around her waist and tied in front, exposing her waist & belly button. When she returned home she told about running into a female acquaintance of ours -- similar age. She made a point of telling me that this friend was wearing a halter top & gave her a big hug! I did not say anything; but my instinct was to question whether she thought this friend was coming off an affair with two guys in their 30’s and if she rarely showed her husband any affection or admiration & if she had told her husband that she never really loved him and that his compliments don’t mean as much as other men’s? I said nothing though. <P>Am I being too judgmental. Should I forget the specifics of our situation?<P>Later in the day, she wants me to try on a shirt she found in closet to see how I looked. I tied bottom around my waist. She said that she had worn her tops that way a few times in past & that she saw three ladies her age at the mall wearing tops same way. Again, why should she scale down her dress?!<P>Am I supposed to just forget about our history & act as if nothing happened and not ask for any precautions for the next “Predator?” <P>I can’t seem to get my message across to her in a gentle way without her hitting the wall?! <BR>I feel she keeps throwing this in my face. ??<P>She spoke to my best friend who I have confided in completely (& she knows that I have) about how she appreciates him listening to me, but that she is concerned I’m depressed. Also, on Thursday she has appointment with our pastor (after her C session) which I was unaware of & she had called me a couple times later in day & said nothing about this. and he calls me on Friday to set a visit with me this Wednesday. I ask her Friday if she had spoken to our Pastor & she told me he had asked about us when they were playing golf in our little league on Tuesday. The Pastor always plays with the ladies. That is when they set up appointment. I’m annoyed that she did not tell me about this as we are supposed to be practicing the policy of openness & honesty. She said she thought I would be annoyed & that I was jealous of Pastor – I told her that Pastors are not exempt from having affairs & I thought we understood that secret meetings were not a good thing & that how am I supposed to feel with these secret activities?! She shared a similar concern with him about me.<BR>I feel a little pressured that she is mounting alliances that I should all of a sudden have 100% trust & not question her about things any more & that I’m not doing my part to forgive & forget?!!<P>It seems that I get a lot of feedback that I’m over reacting to this. She has shown more affection & admiration, but these haunting feeling keep creeping back in. Do I forget about her & just focus on getting rid of my feelings?? I am trying hard to fight this feeling that I’m being played for a fool or perhaps I am way too conservative in my thinking and am trying to be too controlling?? <BR>

Hon, I think you are trying to be too controlling.<BR>I don't think this is a battle you can win.<P>Your wife probably has ADMIRATION as one of her top EN. And what you give her may not be enough. It may be self-esteem issues. She may be placing her self worth in comments from others on her appearance. If thats the case, having you be the only one who admires her will never satisfy her. <P>Its an unfortunate situation, because I know you feel the way she dresses brings unwanted attention to her. (its just that its only unwanted to YOU) The real problem is what she does with the attention once she receives it. It a shame that she's a flirt and doesnt draw the line. Then this wouldn't be such a huge issue between you.<P>No one can blame you for not trusting her. But I don't think that you are ever going to be successful in changing her image -- you need to work together on the behavior.<P>Good luck

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lexxxy:<BR><B>Hon, I think you are trying to be too controlling.<BR>I don't think this is a battle you can win.<P>Your wife probably has ADMIRATION as one of her top EN. And what you give her may not be enough. It may be self-esteem issues. She may be placing her self worth in comments from others on her appearance. If thats the case, having you be the only one who admires her will never satisfy her. <P>(its just that its only unwanted to YOU) The real problem is what she does with the attention once she receives it. It a shame that she's a flirt and doesnt draw the line. Then this wouldn't be such a huge issue between you.<BR>-- you need to work together on the behavior.<P>Good luck</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Lexxxy,<BR>Thanks!<BR>I agree with all of the above -- the guys in particular I can tell apreciate checking her out!<BR>Perhaps more insight would be helpful:<BR>The way she dresses has been an issue since last fall – which is what I now know was soon after the A’s began (07-20-00 to D/Day 01-17-01). From January to November of 2000 she lost 35 lbs., so she has an entire new wardrobe. I remember last fall because she visited me at my office last fall (August) and two single guys, who are confirmed womanizer gave her different kinds of looks & one of these guys, my boss (the most prevalent womanizer known to man kind) even commented later to me that she is dressing like she really wants me to have sex with her! (at the time, I had no idea she was carrying on with two guys who were friends with each other, aged 32 & 36! How convenient, huh?!) <BR>Remember, she had another A 20 years ago. <BR>In our joint C there was something C asked my W that was interesting -- my W said she had thought of leaving me & she never thought I would leave her -- this went along with the diaologe about her not loving me & she quickly added that her feelings have been more intense of late -- not that she loves me ?? -- she has said she does not know if she could ever truly love anyone.<BR>She states that she did not have an emotional attached to these two guys. After her first encounter with the first guy in our home & he did not call, she chased him & she told me that she became obsessed & was obsessed with the construction type in general & was checking out every guy in a pick up!<BR>There was the first time with the first guys friend. This guy came to the house & said he knew about his friend & her & as she describes it, that was pretty much all it took for her to invite him in for sex. Seems pretty causal to me?!<BR>On another occasion she entertained the second guy in the morning, then the first guy came around and she fixed him lunch & they eat in our dinning room before going upstairs to the guest room. Yes, she was receiving lots of attention. She later described that her & I's sex was particularily hot after she had been with one of them -- <BR>I am of course wondering if she still has these urges?! Her individual therapy is secret & I am not allowed to ask what they discuss.<BR>She is typically very synical & defensive whenever I try to talk about this dress thing. She normally takes the position that she is being fashionable, that I am way out of it & she once stated that I should go back to my small town in the mid west where what a persons wears is not that important. She has also stated that perhaps I am too insecure to have her as a W. I more or less agreed that both points could be very valid & she has not used those tacts any more. Although my insecurity has been a consistent theme that this is my problem, not hers!<BR>I welcome suggestions as to how we can both work on this!<BR>Peace!<BR>HH<P>