Here's the background:<P>Separated 5 weks at W's request, me in apartment, her with kids in house. I made a mistake letting her guilt me into that one. 'Love you, not in love' speech. Pretty common walk away wife stuff. Last year has been very tough. She had bout with eating disorder, then alcoholism. In recovery since March, decided late June she wanted some time and space. I did all the wrong things-reasoning, begging, pleading, getting emotional. Finally, there was no choice. I was somewhat guilted into moving into apartment near house. See kids often, speak to her several times a week.<P>Our interaction now is very cordial-no fighting, and so far almost no OR talk either. She says 'I just don't know', thinks we 'are headed to D'. I have my share of blame for the situation (angry, silent, withdrawn), but she is laying most of the fault at my doorstep. I believe she is really trying to find her sense of self, a female MLC.<P>I have seen evidence that she is in an EA with her boss, not physical yet, but maybe headed that way. Looks like so far OM has not played along. She has written that she loves him, misses him etc. i see it as her lurching for someone else to pay attention to her (EN i was not good at)<P>I have been trying to focus on me and make changes, and I think i am having some success. Have lost weight, gotten more in touch with my feelings, more open and less withdrawn. I am attending Al-Anon meetings regularly. Trying to get out and do things. It's not all bad.<P>She agreed to counseling, and we are working with a therapist. Have had 2 sessions. First one so-so, second one very good, we actually agreed to longer session next time. Our goals are not the same-i want reconciliation, she 'is not sure'. But, at least she is ther.<P>I am 100% committed to making the relationship work. She is not anywhere close to that at this point. Have seem some minor warming recently. She gave me a relationship tape to watch that she liked. i have done her some favors.<P>I try to have a PMA whenever i see her, and we usually chat for a few minutes. No OR talk. I have for the most part done pretty well. i don't call her unnecessarily, don't send letters or cars or flowers (although i could write volumes).<P>My questions:<P>1. Think i am doing best Plan A i can given separation, but i feel too anxious and impatient about it. Even found out she took as an LB something i said to her as a compliment-she is just way down on me. I have considered sending her a letter telling her all of the ways i am working to change. Good idea?<P>2. She is working AA, and as i said above, i am in Al-Anon. We do connest a little over this common experience. One thing i failed miserably to do just prior to our split, that i think was major contributor, was not support her well in her recovery. i would like to send her a card in afew weeks (her 6 month recovery anniversary) telling her how proud i am of her, and honoring her recovery. No relationship stuff, just that i am proud. Good idea?<P>3. To be blunt, she is horny now (like i'm not?). I believe the EA will become a PA at her push. i can't see a good outcome for her. i am confident i could approach OM and ask him to back off, and he would do it. Part of me wants to keep her from moving to a PA, part says let her make her own mistakes, i am just trying to control her. Have not confronted her about it yet, will probably do next week in counseling. Talk to OM or not?<P>4. Some have suggested that i 'go dark' make interaction minimal, make her wonder and maybe miss me just a little. Seems kind of anti-Plan A. Good idea?<P><BR>
