My wife and I have been seperated for one year. She moved out shortly after beginning an affair. Shortly after the affair began, she got an apartment with this man. Her reason was that the romance in the relationship had died and there was no more passion. We are both young; I'm 27 and she is 25.<P>I was terribly hurt when she left. I asked her to reconsider often and reminded her of our vows. I also advised her that we could get counseling or get other help to save our marriage. She was not interested, however. She came back once for two days and attended one marriage counseling session. I could tell, however, that her heart was not into it.<P>I strongly feel that my wife is being manipulted and used by the other man. He is a music producer and my wife sings part time and is a full time teacher. They met in a music studio and he began to fill my wife with promises of taking her music career to another level (on an on). As it tiurns out, this man convinced my wife to withdraw half the money from our account to buy a car for him to drive around and to rent an apartment for the two of them to live in. Before meeting my wife, this man did not even have hi own place but was living with friends.<P>The past year has been rough. I'm still very close to my wife's parents. In fact, I speak with them several times per week. My wife's father is a minister and the pastor of our church. I am very active in the church. Her parents will not accept the affair under any circumstances. They have not met this man. They advise me to pray for the marriage as they are. <P>I rarely see my wife. I've seen her once in the past fice months. Hew parents rarely see her as well. Before the afair, they saw and spoke with her everyday. I refuse to call wy wife's apartment because I will not ask another man to speak to her. Maybe thats my pride speaking. When I spoke to her several months ago, she said she wanted a divorce. She has not taken the initative in filing any papers, though.<P>I feel helpless and trapped and dont know what to do. I know I can forgive my wife and try to work things out but she doesn't seem to want to. Is there any hope. What should I do. I really don't want to live like this forever.<P>I am new to this website and appreciate your input.

Hi Hub,<P>Welcome to marriage builders. While you have come here due to the pain and anguished state of your marriage, we hope we can help. Here is the welcome package which acquaints you with the Marriage Builders concepts. Along with this there is the symbols you can use when posting your messages. <P>I recommned that you read the info here and post as you need. Many of your questions on your feelings and how to proceed are answered in the write ups. Then you will be directed to various books, questionanaires and phone counseling sessions all designed to help you help yourself, understand what is really happening in your marriage and how (if she will allow you to) help your wife or as in other cases give her the tools to help herself. <P>The scary piece in your story is that it sounds like she is being manipulated. Any man who is taking advantage of another woman and can't provide for her on his own doesn't say much for that man. <P>Here is the welcome package: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>Here are the acronyms: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html</A> <P>Hope this info will be helpful. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<P><BR>

HUB - after you follow Orchid's advice, please consider a counseling session by yourself with Steve Harley. The info to set this up is in the "Counsel" section of this site.<P>WAT

HUB, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your wife is truly in a thick fog.<P>The fact that your wife is living elsewhere and that you don't have contact with her much makes it difficult to plan A. (Read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, plus any other materials by him!)<P>I'm wondering if taking the step to contact her would be a good thing - risking this OM answering of course. Put your pride aside and talk to your wife and ask her how she is. Do you feel comfortable meeting with her?? I guess I'm looking for ways for you to get back in the picture so that you can implement plan A with her. Let her see what she is giving up, that you can provide her with her needs. Have you told her you don't want to give up your marriage? <P>Hmmm - anyone else have any ideas for this situation??

I have spoken with my wife several times over the past year. She has been adamant, however, that she does not want to try to work on the marriage. We've even met a few times but no progress was made. The difficult part, however, is that she is living with another man. I find it hard to speak with her under those conditions. I feel that deep down a part of her wants to try to revive the marriage.<BR>Perhaps she feels that she has caused so much pain and suffering to so many people that it is not woth trying to fix. Without any communication, I dont know how things can get better. <P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Alberta:<BR><B>HUB, I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your wife is truly in a thick fog.<P>The fact that your wife is living elsewhere and that you don't have contact with her much makes it difficult to plan A. (Read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, plus any other materials by him!)<P>I'm wondering if taking the step to contact her would be a good thing - risking this OM answering of course. Put your pride aside and talk to your wife and ask her how she is. Do you feel comfortable meeting with her?? I guess I'm looking for ways for you to get back in the picture so that you can implement plan A with her. Let her see what she is giving up, that you can provide her with her needs. Have you told her you don't want to give up your marriage? <P>Hmmm - anyone else have any ideas for this situation??</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hub,<BR>Just wanted to add my support to those who have already posted. I guess our situations are similar (W has moved out, relatively young etc, however mine did not move in with OP). I agree with everything that has been said, and once you have read everything suggested, you can Plan A whilst your W has moved out, it is hard but it can be done. A session with Steve as suggested may help you, I know there are articles that are on this web site which talk about how one partner can return the marriage to recovery - I suggest you read them.<P>For my part I have being using a variety of means to contact the W, she does not like me to phone her (major LB) so I use the text facility, I have recently started writing cards and posting them, and more recently I decided to meet her out of work, Steve advised against this, but some time you just need to do things that your heart tells you to to do. We only meet infrequently, every 2 or 4 weeks (her choice not mine).<P>Really I just want to give you some hope, its very hard work however, I will not deny this, however with time I am seeing more positive changes in her (more eye contact, ability to look at me etc) and she and the OP have split up. <P>Stay positive, and if you do nothing else, read everything you can on this site.<P>mands

Dear HUB,<BR>Yes, I agree with you that your wife--being the pastor's daughter--probably fears what her church friends and family have to say about her choices, AND I agree that prayer is definitely a viable option. The devil is such a liar!<P>Still further, I believe you must put your pride aside and implement Plan A as best you can. Are there children involved? Regardless, get your wife back! She's not in her right mind. You have the right to pray this OM out of her life and out of your marriage.<P>Your wife is not in a position to say what she really wants, although she may think she knows. Not only is she in a mental "fog" but spiritually, the enemy is attacking her, trying to destroy her testimony.<P>My heartfelt prayers are with you. The enemy will try, but he cannot ruin you guys' testimony. But, there IS no testimony without the test. This is your test! You are going to pass with flying colors! Give it all you've got! Keep the faith!

Thanks for the advice. You have really made my day and lifted my spirits. Any suggestions on how to proceed. What to say! What to do! How cab I gain any ground when my wife lives with another man. She constantly spekas about divorce but has taken no action. Thank you.

Trust God. Stay involved in church. Kick some major devil-butt. Get somebody saved! Heck, let's agree for the OMs salvation right now! YES! In Jesus' Name! AMEN!