I am increasingly thinking that I want a divorce. That I don't want to be married anymore if my H can't be totally honest with me and act like he is really in love with me. That I want to be free.<P>However, the idea is that we simply get legally divorced and keep sharing the house, our assets, keep everything as it is now. If anything happened to one of us, the other automatically gets everything (except for my own personal property, which goes to our children) anyway.<P>Yes, he could do what he wants to do, but I would also legally be as free as he is (and as free as he has already been ).<P>I can't figure out where these thoughts are coming from, unless it's possibly an unconscious thought that he might actually try to win me back; but, realistically, I don't think he would.<P>Anybody care to psychoanalyze me? I feel myself withdrawing from him...not wanting to go to bed at the same time he does, etc. (because I would really like him to act passionate toward me instead of just reaching for me after I get into bed, although he did get back up to "summon" me one night last week.)<P>Help!

Lady Clueless~<P>I am sorry but I don't know your story. But I have a question for you. How long into recovery are you?<P>Judy

Ok LC,<P>Gonna share with you some good advice a nice lady here at MB shared with me. You see, it is easier for me to talk about D nowadays also. Big temptation to push each other to the limits here. H gets stubborn, wants to be talked to just so, seems like I can't make a mistake, then he apologizes. I am beginning to wonder if one of the side effects of an A is PMS (poopy man syndrome) LOL. Recovery has it's own demons, rollercoasters to mess with.<BR> <BR>So here goes: Write down 10 good and 10 bad points about your H. Compare the 2 lists. If you can't think of 10 stop where you can but make an honest effort. Then read them and see how good or bad it is for you to deal with each. If your H is up to it, share it with him. Sure looked different on paper. Let me tell you. In my case H's BIL made us write stuff down. That night H said he wanted to come home, it was premature but it was a start. <P>The problem is that once they are at home, they tend to get lazy and start to drift back into the old A person. That is not the H I want in my house. <P>So sympathizng with you here but not going to let you slip. OK?<P>L.<P>

Bighope, I used to be Still kickin and then Sweetpea. I've been Plan Aing for over 3 years now. Two years ago, H finally admitted to a 1-night stand that happened 15 years ago, but not until after I got fed up with his continuing contact with Cafe Woman and disappeared for a couple of days. He still denies that anything ever happened between them, but then he denied the 1-night stand for 13 years, despite the fact that he brought home an STD from it.<P>Orchid,<P>My H hasn't done anything to drift back FROM, other than he has stopped the verbal abuse and we do have sex now, with him now making the effort to make sure I'm satisfied. Now and then, he pats me on the shoulder, and he does give me goodbye pecks now.<P>Other things that I've told him I needed from him? Nope. He did ask me to marry him again, when he was drunk and we'd had a fight. I had told him that I wanted him to WANT to remarry me and that I wanted a romantic proposal this time. I'm still waiting. In the meantime, his reaction of a snort and "Sh----*T!" (the first time I told him that I thought it'd be a nice thing for us to do) are still ringing in my ears.<P>He doesn't seem to think that he can have fun with just me. Always have to have somebody else along. We've been planning a camping trip to New England for the past year. He wants to buy a $40,000 crew-cab truck before we go. (We can't afford it yet.). He denies it, but I suspect that he wants to take another couple with us. The reason he wants to get the new truck is because we traveled 4100 miles with this same couple last year, and I told him there was no way I was going to ride in the back seat of an extended cab truck on a long trip again. Besides, 11 days of close togetherness in a 30' camper is just too much for me, even though I'm very fond of our friends and we get along great.<BR>The close proximity and thin camper walls do not make for much, if any, romance at all!<P>Basically, H just wants everything to be the way it always was, with me not saying a word if he wants to go out to a bar or beer joint without me. I am supposed to just automatically trust him. <BR>