Just wanted to share this website I found recently- <A HREF="http://www.affairs-help.com." TARGET=_blank>www.affairs-help.com.</A> It explains different types of affairs based on research and books by Emily Brown.She is the only one I have found who describes the split self type of affair- an intense EA/PA that often resembles an exit affair and the WS waffles back and forth alot. The roots of this A are based in the WS's childhood suppression of emotions and their need to be perfect and have things be a certain way, ie- perfect family life, great job, nice house etc. Hope this helps someone- lifeismessy PS My H could be the split self poster boy !

lim,<P>My W is not a perfectionist by any means (I am actually, but that's not important). However, the brief time we were in counseling, my W revealed that growing up she never felt anything she said mattered to her family and that nothing she did could ever please her parents. Instead of dealing with these feelings or talking to her parents, she stuffed them inside and stopped trying to please them. She said I made her feel this same way. <P>Is this way of dealing with her feelings (or not dealing with them) consistent with a person having a split-self A?<BR>If so, what is the best way for a BS to deal with it? Just curious. <P>sad dad

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sad dad- yes the suppression of their emotions IS a key indicator of the split-self affair. There is very detailed info about this type of A in the book Patterns of Infidelity and their Treatment by Emily Brown. This is the underlining problem of the marriage- there is not a strong emotional 2-way emotional bond going- instead there are power struggles, parent- child type of ways of relating, and not nearly enough mutual sharings of their deep feelings with each other. What happens over years and years of marriage is living for the nitty gritty details of the house, kids, yard, jobs etc. and less and less actual emotional bonding. Eventually one person flees to find an emotional spark to 'wake up' their deadened emotions. In counseling this person could be taught how to open up their emotional self IF they feel safe enough with their spouse. lifeismessy

sad dad- yes the suppression of their emotions IS a key indicator of the split-self affair. There is very detailed info about this type of A in the book Patterns of Infidelity and their Treatment by Emily Brown. This is the underlining problem of the marriage- there is not a strong emotional 2-way emotional bond going- instead there are power struggles, parent- child type of ways of relating, and not nearly enough mutual sharings of their deep feelings with each other. What happens over years and years of marriage is living for the nitty gritty details of the house, kids, yard, jobs etc. and less and less actual emotional bonding. Eventually one person flees to find an emotional spark to 'wake up' their deadened emotions. In counseling this person could be taught how to open up their emotional self IF they feel safe enough with their spouse. lifeismessy

Yeah this sounds like my H as well. We've been married four years. The affair started just a few months after the birth of our son. Over those four years, and even more so since D Day, all his conversations have been about how to improve our house, we have moved house twice...he had to have a really big house and a really flash car...and now he's started saying he hasn't been happy since he left school (he's now 35). He's suddenly decided that it is his parents fault that he is unhappy because they never had much fun as children. He's started wanting to see my parents more often but has avoided all contact with his own Dad since D day and keeps saying his family are boring. It feels as though mine and the kids purpose (as well as the big house) are to show every one how succesful he is, but the A happened to meet the lack of affection he has felt, firstly from his family, then presumably from me after the birth of our baby son.