Okay. I just need to get this stuff off my chest so I don't LB tonight when my H gets back.<P>For 2 freakin' hours all he did was bit** and complain to me. He turned everything we talked about this weekend around on me, like he always does. Pis*es me off bigtime.<P>1. I told him this weekend the stuff he has been doing lately that is an LB to me. He is cruel, inconsiderate and disrespectful (I said it nicely). He comes back today and is like "how dare I say these things about him when he lived with me being that way for years and he was picture-perfect the whole time."<P>I kindly explained to him that I was referring to the way he has been SINCE the affair, NOT before the affair and that he cannot keep holding me responsible for things I did before the affair that he never told me I was doing!! I say that now I have been reading and he is finally talking to me I am able to work on this stuff. He keeps saying I'm not like this anymore, but I WAS, so how does he know I'm not just being nice and I'm not gonna go back to being the way I was. I said, CUZ' I DIDN'T KNOW IT BUGGED YOU BEFORE!!!<P>AAHHH. Then we get on the subject of control. He says all his friends are telling him how controlling I am and that people who are controlling never stop, it's a cycle, I will get better and change and then go right back to the way I was. I got pis*ed. I told him I AM NOT CONTROLLING!!! Yes, in the beginning of our marriage, I was, I was a control freak. Then he told me about it and I changed - he totally agrees. But it wasn't enough for him, he says he can't tolerate any amount of control. I just say that he badmouths me to everyone making them THINK that I'm this horrific controlling person, but I'M NOT. Yes, I control him more than he wants to be controlled. That's a problem, but I am NOTHING like these people I read about or my friends I witness. <P>For instance my ex-best friend tried to get him to leave me saying I was EXACTLY like her ex-husband and I can never change, blah, blah. He told me today that obviously he isn't listening to her because he is trying to work things out with me. It gets me SO mad. She doesn't know me!! I am NOTHING like her ex-husband. He controlled all the $$, never letting her have any, she had to dress the way HE wanted, she couldn't work because he didn't want her to. I AM NOT LIKE THIS.<P>This is how I'm controlling (and my H TOTALLY agrees):<BR>I didn't give my husband the space he needed. Period. I was with him all the time and he felt like I controlled everything because I always wanted to know what he was doing, etc. I know now WHY I was like this (my biggest fear being him having an affair and I was trying to control this from happening - the entire marriage, this is what I did. I did not trust him. I did not trust men due to my past. I only found this out recently.)<P>I tell him, I am working on it, but I am still going to be like this sometimes. I am NOT THAT BAD, it's just too much for him. He agrees, he just says it is too much for him. He ALSO agrees that he LET ME CONTROL HIM. Fine. <P>We argued about that a ton. He keeps focusing on the way stuff was before the affair. I tell him that my big thing IS the affair. I said I'll work on the stuff I was doing before the affair, and you work on helping me deal with the affair. He agreed.<P>We talked about meeting needs and we're going to fill out the EN and LB worksheet for a 2nd time. The first time we were not really in a good state of mind (beginning of affair).<P>I talked to him about emotional abuse, etc. and he just says, oh what, you accusing me of abusing you now, how dare you, etc. I was like, no, forget it. <P>The worst part was that he again said I was controlling him because I said I could not stop him from going out with my ex-best friend, but it would really hurt me. He took this to mean he couldn't go anywhere with anyone without me with him. I'm like NO!! It would make me feel really bad to see you go out with her due to the way I feel about her and that it will hurt me to know I COULDN'T go with them (like I used to). But if he wants to go - GO! I can't stop him, I just want him to know how I feel, can't he do something different?? He says he now understands, he misunderstood me. We argued for 20 mninutes over this stupid thing!! Me trying to convince him the whole time I didn't mean what he assumed I meant, blah, blah. But, I'm like - I can't win. I cannot do the right thing if I tried. He says, I'm right, I can't. <BR>So, finally, after like forever and him constantly LBing at me (I tried real hard not to LB back), we talked about our future (using POJA). We realized we both want him to transfer schools for the fall and I will meet him and move out to wherever his new school is. Unfortunately, this is not very practical and neither one of us thinks we can get this done in time.<P>So, I am wicked upset. It looks like my H may end up back in school with OW. We talked about extraordinary precautions he can take - fine. But I was just wicked upset about the whole thing. He wants to stay living at his apartment and is telling me how he can do this and that to take precautions. I am just so mad that he is even considering going back and attending that school given the OW will be there. He says he will change his schedule around so he can't see her, etc. I just had to stop talking about it.<P>I know it's a reasonable request, but I just want that bi*ch out of my life, I really thought I was finally going to get that when he offered not to go to school this semester.<P>Ugh. And the way he phrases it "oh, so what, now YOU are going to let me go to school." I say, no, I want to do POJA and pick a solution we both agree to. I said MAYBE to him attending school in the fall. I just don't know if I can follow through with it.<P>He said he was actually considering sending OW a letter finally telling her he loved me and was working it out with me. I said that would really help me to deal with this...<P>We watched a movie and things were okay. He just kept saying it's okay to fight, we're going to need to do it alot. I just said, no, we don't have to argue like that, it's over, it's in the past. I just want to move on. I can't change the way I was before the affair. You can't keep blaming me for things you didn't tell me were bugging you... Am I doing these things now? No... Then, stop it, when I do something that you don't like NOW, tell me, and I'll do what I can (this is where the questionnaire conversation came up). He was fine with that. I told him, the things I tell him about he is doing NOW, and I am trying to tell him so he will stop draining my love bank. <P>It was just horribly upsetting to me. I know we actually got somewhere, but, aahhh!!! <P>Okay, I'm done venting. He'll be here any minutes. We are supposed to look up schools online that he might be able to transfer to. I am cooking supper (he says, should I eat at home? Meaning his place because I am such a bad cook. I am, but he really doesn't need to be like that).<P>Sigh.<P>HbH<P>

Dear HbH,<P>Will going outside and screaming at the top of your lungs fix this reocurring problem? Nope. Will it make you feel better? Maybe. Ok, do the George of the Jungle yell.. ahhahahahah aaaaaahh... one more time..... there. <P>Now you and H get mad then seem to get through it. Do you realize that? He is still willing to avoid OW or is he feeding you a line? HbH, he is not going to progress at the rate YOU want him to, however, if he is making progress can you see it? When he does reach back in time, can you pull back? Just be silent. Hm.... give him the silent treatment? Well not exactly but enough to let him know you are not going to participate in giving the wrong message or coming to the wrong conclusion. That is what fogese does. They speak in the past tense and then change it to the present, whop up side the head, you don't know what hit you.... <P>So, breathe my dea, step back and look at the whole situation. There is improvement here see it?<P>L.<BR>

HbH,<P> First of all... the title of your post drew me in ..."wicked" is something we around here only say..so ...HI NEIGHBOR!<P> Secondly, I'm sorry you had a rough time of it. I know I have to do alot of holding my tongue when H gets home, because his bad days always somehow become about me, or at least he makes me feel that way. So I guess what I am saying is.. have a good vent here. Hold your LB's, and breathe. <P> Best to you ....<BR>a little south on rt 13 <BR>trace

Wicket good post--I spell it like I say it.<P>Just a little north on the under-construction, Rte. 3<P>Mrs. Job of the North

I am new (couple of years) to the rt 3 north under construction area... cannot get over the wicked slang.....<P>have not used it yet except as a joke though <P>phew........<P><BR>My W holds my pre-affair behaviour over my head too. She has claimed there are two things preventing her from trying to work things out with me. My pre-affair actions, and her love for the OM. Funny thing is, she has told me that if I had been acting like I am now (plan A) a couple of months ago, she would have been swept away by me. Weird, a couple of months ago, she would have been able to forgive me for the past 1 1/2 years, but now she cannot. <P>I am guessing that she means "I want to be with the OM but cannot bring myself to leave yet." <P>HbH, good luck with your situation... You have a step on me if your H is even considering no contact with OW. Orchid gave good advice here, so I will just say that I am thinking of you.<p>[This message has been edited by arthur1234 (edited September 06, 2001).]

Yeah, well, you know Mass-of-two-shi*s. I'm currently in NH, but lived all my life in MA prior to that. Hi neighbors!! Maybe we should start a club... <P>Thanks Orchid, oh yes, I definately see this as improvement. That's why I came here to vent instead of doing it with him around...<P>I'm at work, but hey, what the hell, I just did the Tarzan yell anyway (not very loud). Yeah, it did feel pretty good...<P>Okay, okay, he has actually progressed alot faster than I ever thought. He actually loves me again, but I don't love him. Oh, I'm working on it, I know I will get it back someday, but it's just not there now. <P>I just want OW out of my life -> completely. That's all I ask. The other stuff will come in time, all I want is her far away from me and my family. <P>In all actuality, and knowing my H the way I do, I really don't think my H would get back with her anyway, given the chance. She really was not that great, just a way for him to run away from his problems. Yeah, if he didn't have me or started not to love me again, then he'd probably run to someone again, just because he has this thing about not wanting to be alone. Maybe it would be her cuz' it's easy, but maybe not.<P>So I guess given that I REALLY know this, I should just let go and not care about OW anymore and focus on my marriage. But I DO, I DO care. I want her far away, I don't want to even take the smallest, tiniest risk of trying to work things out with my H and having her back in my life to destroy it again. I don't. I'd rather get a divorce and run than take that chance...<P>eh. I'll work on it and pray some more. I know that is not the way I should be...<P>When OW came into my life I was just getting over my H telling me he had fallen in love with yet another woman, but he chose me instead and nothing happened with her. I was doing MY hardest to work things out, but he was not on the same page as me, and WALLAH! OW comes in and all he** breaks lose. The night he told me about his newfound EA, I was SO happy because things were finally going good between us and it seemed like we were making so much progress. NOT. I am afraid of falling into this trap again.<P>My only solace is that this time it seems like H is willing to put in the effort. Seems. My guard is still up and that's why I need OW away from us in every way, shape or form.<P>Oh yeah, and I made a kick-[censored] supper last night. Even he liked it (he was a chef and is very picky).<BR>HbH